misfits. bts ot7

seven

another day was spent in a motel.

they sat down on the floor together in a circle, with cigarettes and alcohol and old sneakers and let everything go for a while.

they were happy when they were together.

and then they went and got some ice cream at a nearby street vendor and sat down by an old garage side by side.

"when are we going to go back home?" jimin asked.

jimin always had questions.

whether it was because he was just curious or because he was so unsure of himself and felt invalidated, he didn't know.

"i don't know," taehyung said. the bruise on his face was fading, and he didn't limp when he walked anymore. but he always had this hurt look in his eyes, and he flinched and backed away at nearly anything, as if he was scared he'd be hurt again.

"never."

and as jungkook said that, he knew it wouldn't be true.

they couldn't be away from home, sleeping in a different motel every night, for the rest of their lives. it wasn't realistic. but jungkook didn't want to go back. he couldn't go back; couldn't face his parents and let them carve degrading words into his soul again that he would need to pull out himself by sticking fingers down his throat to throw it all up.

maybe he wouldn't have to go back if he died out there.

his eyes fluttered to the balcony of the beach lighthouse anyone could see from miles away.

he wanted to fly off of it.

but he pushed the thought away; took it by the collar and swallowed it deep down in his throat.

the only things he could ever swallow were his thoughts.

"we could spend a few more nights out here. it's kind of nice," seokjin said, nuzzling his head into namjoon's big sweatshirt, pink hair frizzing as it rubbed against the fabric.

that night, they drove away again, to find a different place to sleep.

they settled for an old trainyard, much like the one back home, and piled up old blankets in an abandoned train car.

they all spread out in the car, finding a corner to sleep in for the night.

namjoon found a spot next to taehyung, and fell asleep with taehyung's head pressed against his collarbone, but woke up at two in the morning to find taehyung gone.

a surge of panic came first, as irrational as it was.

but the panic resided when namjoon stepped outside to find taehyung sitting on the hood of their car, eyes glistening and bloodshot red, standing out against the blues painted around his eyebrows.

"you feeling okay?" namjoon felt the panic wash over again when he realized that taehyung was crying.

"yeah."

"are you sure about that?"

taehyung's eyes fluttered to find namjoon's. he was blinking rapidly, desperate to rid his eyes of the tears.

"no. i'm not."

he smiled as tears rolled down his cheeks, and it tore namjoon in half, straight down his heart.

"your dad?"

taehyung shook his head no, which took namjoon by surprise.

why else would he...?

"i'm worried about you guys."

"us?"

namjoon didn't mean to be so surprised.

he probably shouldn't have been surprised.

every single one of them had things worth worrying about. but he'd seen taehyung's demons to be nearly the worst.

he had anxiety over fatherly figures. he was easily shaken by loud noises and yelling because his father had hurt him so many times before.

hell, namjoon had watched taehyung cry once when he was yelled at by an old man at the grocery store.

namjoon was surprised, and he wasn't able to hide it. he probably looked like a deer caught in headlights with his saucer-like eyes.

"i'm worried about you, because you always talk about how much of a disappointment you are. you always think lowly of yourself, and you really shouldn't because you've been able to do so much on your own, it's amazing." taehyung was shaking. he wasn't crying anymore, but he looked heartbroken and worried, as if he'd been crushed and torn apart a million times over and over again.

namjoon wanted to put him back together.

"i'm worried about seokjin because he has so much anxiety over college. he's had a panic attack in front of me before, and he tried to pass it off as just being a little nervous. and i'm worried about hoseok and his addiction and his depression because he looks so tiny lately, and he looks so tired all the time as if he isn't eating and he isn't sleeping." taehyung's lip was bleeding from where he'd bitten a scab. namjoon noticed. "and jimin's so insecure about himself. he's always invalidating himself and always makes it seem like he's not important. and i just want to tell him that that's not it, but he doesn't believe me."

"and i'm worried about yoongi and his self harm because we all know that he even burns himself now. he did it in front of jungkook, saying he just wanted to make sure he still felt shit." taehyung winced as he spoke. "he's sick, and i don't know how to make him better."

taehyung paused for a few seconds, eyes focusing onto jungkook, fast asleep in a heap of blankets in the train car across from them.

"and namjoon, i'm really worried about jungkook."

he paused again, as if he was reluctant to go on.

"he doesn't eat anymore. and he always talks about how much he hates himself. namjoon, he stands on the edges of balconies of things just for fun, telling me it wouldn't matter if he fell off the side." taehyung swallowed hard, as if he wanted to swallow the truth with his saliva too and let it disappear within himself.

but the truth was too big, too large, too important. and namjoon needed to know, because namjoon was the most capable of saving jungkook from whatever he was capable of doing to himself.

"namjoon, i think jungkook wants to kill himself."