The Beast Enslaved

Aram

First came the sinking feeling in my stomach, accompanied by clammy icy-hot hands and pressure on my chest, then slowly, the memory of the last day dawned on me. For a moment I didn't know what to do with it, then I felt upset and embarrassed and distressed all at once. Coming to the conclusion that dwelling on those feelings wasn't going to get me anywhere, I heaved myself up to find the others.

I followed their voices to the kitchen where I found them all sitting at the table over what smelled like coffee. Clearing my throat, announced my presence. All three of their heads whipped around to stare at me.

Joanna was the first to recover, jumping up and offering me a steaming hot mug.

"How are you?" She asked tentatively, almost as if I was a bomb ready to go off any second.

"Okay," I grumbled, taking a seat next to Cat.

Sensing that I had no desire to go through small talk at the moment, she gently leaned into me, lending silent support.

"So," Elliott started, most likely to break through our awkward silence. "Movie day today?"

We all nodded in agreement, more than ready to distract ourselves with movies and TV shows all day long.

After a screening of Mission Impossible, Frozen, and not one, but two seasons of Friends, we decided to call it a night and dragged ourselves back to our beds, heads feeling like marshmallow fluff and bodies feeling like lead. I didn't even make Cat brush her teeth after she's face planted on the bed, instead dropping next to her and wrapping my arms around her soft body.

"You okay?" She asked, voice sleepy.

"Yeah," I murmured, "I think I am."

"Good."

She buried her face in my chest, making my heart ache softly with the love I felt for her.

"I'm sorry for my mother."

"It's not your fault."

"Still."

"I guess I should have braced myself for it."

The more thought I gave it, the more I was pissed at myself for letting it get to me the way it did. PTSD or no PTSD, I was supposed to be the strong one in this relationship, the stable one. I couldn't just leave the situation like this. What if the next time I got a flashback, I accidentally hurt Cat? Like I did in the beginning? No, I wasn't going to let that happen. I was going to fix myself, and I was going to start now. By admitting that I overreacted.

"I'm sorry I flipped out last night, Cat. I put more on your shoulders than I ever meant to."

She lifted her head from my chest to look me in the eye.

"No, baby, you didn't! I know we have a clear definition of the roles we're supposed to play, but Aram, we're not just Dominant and submissive, we're in a relationship, we're partners. I know that you can't always take on everything by yourself, just like I can't either. We're a team and in a team you're supposed to be able to rely on each other. Yesterday wasn't easy for you, and I know that. I am honored to be the person you chose to have by your side and I am honored by the trust you put in me last night." She took my face into her hands, forcing me to look at her. "I love you Aram, so please, let me help you."

I swallowed heavily, my throat feeling painfully tight.

"I love you too," I swallowed again, "but as much as it pains me to admit it, I think this is not something you can help me with. Heck, this isn't something I can help myself with."

Her hazel eyes held mine, her concern seeping out through them.

"So what are you saying? Do you want to get help? Like professionally?"

I shrugged.

"I don't know, Cat. I really don't. Maybe."

She nodded.

"Well, whatever you decide - it doesn't have to be tonight, okay? We'll just get some sleep and then maybe tomorrow we can talk about it?"

She kissed me gently before snuggling back in.

"Okay," I murmured, my mind already drifting off into oblivion again.

"Okay," Cat repeated, her voice groggy and half asleep.