'ok, we will see you tomorrow.....yes i promise, we will come home for lunch....ok mom...bye..yes i can't wait to...bye'
Even was sitting on the bed looking at Isak 'it's nice to see you talk to your mom'
'you heard what i had to promise, we are spending a day with her tomorrow '
'yeah you said we are coming home for lunch..not to her but home..i just love the idea of finally seeing the place where you grew up'
Isak smiled and laid down next to Even. So close there noses touched 'i'm actually looking forward to go home myself'.'
Even gave him a few kisses, hand in Isaks hair 'what really happened between you and your mom?'
He knew straight away that maybe timing for this question was still not right. Isak had his eyes closed, and it didn't look like he was gonna say anything.
'Isak you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to'
Isak opened his eyes, touched Evens cheek and gave him the eskimo kiss. He smiled while doing it, just thinking how he would react a few months ago if someone would tell him, eskimo kiss will be so important to him. But now he couldn't imagine cuddling without it, it was their way of saying >i'm crazy in love with you< and he felt like this was the most intimate and privat thing only they knew about.
'My mom was always a bit weird. She had her days, when she would read bible all day long, talking about it, sending us texts with quotes, almost forcing us to go to the church with her. When this period passed she was usually calm and and a lot of times disappointed in us for not understanding her. It got worse with years and in the of middle of school year last year my dad suddenly packed his bags and left. My mom didn't take it well..she had a break down and days that followed were terrible. She was taking pills for depression and sleeping pills so i was all by myself. Dad was calling daily but we had a fight, because he was always asking me how she is doing. And it made me mad because i was not supposed to spend all my free time taking care of her. So then Eskild happend. That night when my dad and i had a fight i went out to a party, but everyone was bugging and asking me how i am, and why i'm so pissed..So i left the party and went to a club..a gay club..and that's where i met Eskild..'
For a few minutes Even said nothing, he just kept playing with Isaks hair, giving him small kisses all over his face.
'you go to gay clubs?'
'amm..no..that was the only time..i was struggling with my feelings, trying to figure out who i'm, convincing myself i don't like boys.. but when i was so drunk from the party i wasn't thinking straight..and all off a sudden i was there talking to Eskild.'
'so Eskild knew you are gay?'
'well no...i mean we didn't talk about it afterwards..but he was the first person i admitted i have feelings for you after our talk in the gym..(Isaks voice started trembling) i was sure we were going to be official and i wanted him to hear it from me..and then i got your text..'
Even hugged Isaks face, looking him straight in the eyes 'trust me that was the hardest thing i ever had to do..i just didn't have the guts to tell you about my illness '
'you should have stopped me in the gym already.. you should have told me it's not right to say a thing like that..you should have just told me.. i was as much in love with you then as i am now'.
'yeah but i didn't know that..i just heard your words in the gym, and they just stayed in my head..i didn't sleep that night..i guess i should have talk to you and explain, but instead i smoked and drank to forget..all of that brought the manic attack later on'.
Isak felt terrible 'so Sonja was right..it was my fault', turning his head around to hide the tears .
'no no no..Isak look at me...look at me!'
Isak slowly turned his head back around, wiping tears with his hand, slowly looking into Evens eyes.
'it wasn't your fault.It was my, i should have just told you the truth and everything would be different...and what do you mean Sonja was right?'
'after the hotel thing i called her. i panicked. i was walking..no not walking, running through the city, with your clothes in my hands, looking for you..i had no idea what to do, so i called her.'
Isak took a deep breath a continued ' when she came to the hotel, she told me police got you..and she told me you were manic all the time you were with me..that everything was a lie..that i was just a mission for you..something to accomplish..i wanted to die after that..it was the worst night of my life..i was scared and afraid for you..and i was mad at the same time..mad for thinking you were in love with me..'
Isak didn't know when he started to cry again. He just felt his face was completely wet when he stopped talking. He looked at Even, whose face was a mix of love and sadness.
'i'm so sorry..i didn't know..i didn't remember much about that night when i woke up..and i understood your text as :you backing up because of my illness.. i didn't know..i didn't know'
Now Even was the one crying. Isak felt how stressed he was and he just hugged him. Hugged him strong.
'we are here now..and we are ok, so can we just forget about the past and plan our minutes and days?'
'You need to know one think Isak'
'what is that?'
'i knew i love you the moment i first saw you..feelings never stopped..even when i was manic..i love you every minute of every hour of every day from the first time i saw you '.
Isak was so happy they were honest and able to talk through what happened. He knew there were still questions he nedded answers to, but for now it was enough. He was so happy they are going to his home tomorrow. He missed his room, he missed moms cooking and her laughter. He didn't know why but he felt like Evens presence will help his mom.
He turned to see why Even is so quiet and he saw him going through the tattoo with his finger, face full of love.
He whispered 'i'm glad you like it so much' and kissed him.
