Ride or Die {Book 1} ✔️

Chapter 31: Our First Mistake

Even though I despised the idea completely, I gritted my teeth and nodded. When he disappeared again panic fluttered through my chest and the agony caused my vision to flare white. Oh my god, oh my god, please don’t do this to me, don’t make me suffer anymore. Why me? Why me? Why me? A choked sob came out of me and before I knew it I was bawling like a girl, again.

How many times was that now? My hands fisted tightly, my nails digging into my skin, as I bit on my bottom lip to keep strong tears on the inside. But they kept coming through my defenses and leaving me without any control. What happened to me? Why? I wish it would all stop, just life and everything. A feeling of helplessness and dread went through me as my vision darkened, only for me to realize that I had closed my eyes.

I could feel my mind slipping, trying to get to the darkness in my head. Why bother? Breathing was becoming difficult and each one I sucked in made my chest tighten and my lungs burned furiously. I heard Evan grunt and the weight on top of me shifted and moved. 

Evan.

At the thought of him, my other thoughts shifted and turned. I couldn’t give up and leave him alone, not like all the other people he knew that left him. I couldn’t be another one to add to his list and break his heart. Desperation slipped through as the weight moved again, lifting off of me. The time was now and I had to do something.

Digging my elbows into the ground, I moved upwards, trying to crawl from underneath whatever was still hovering on top of me. The weight dropped back down and a jolt of pain went through me, causing my mind to black out and my vision to flash again. A whimper escaped my lips and liquid splashed against the top of my head, the smell of garbage and trash filled my nose.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Evan chanted quietly, either to himself or me or maybe both. Shuffling occurred in my ears again and before long the weight was being lifted off of me again. Taking a shattered and hard breath, I used to elbows and began again, agony flowing from my legs and going up all the way through my body.

I heard the sound of something dropping near my feet and I knew it was over. Exhaustion hit me hard and I flattened against the ground, taking quick breathes as my pulse drummed in my ears. Evan walked over to me and gripped my elbow, squatting down until his face came into my view.

“Okay,” Evan’s breath was just as quick as mines and his jaw was locked with pain, from where I couldn’t tell. “There’s a problem.”

A bitter laugh tried to escape my lips but when it came out it was nothing but a choking moan. A problem, when was there never a problem? When did we ever get a freaking break? A break that I wanted, a break that I wished would come and last forever. Did I get that one tiny little wish granted, no. Did anyone care? No. What was the damn point then? Why not give up?

Because you care about Evan, you want to be with him, you want to save your mother, and you want everything to be normal and happy.

Yeah, but everyone could want but not everyone could actually get. I was one of those people, the former; I wasn’t getting anything but pain and heartache. Why bother? 

Evan’s eyes searched mines and I don’t know if he found what he was looking for, but his hand traveled from my elbow to grip my hand tightly.

“We’ve come this far, Kylie. Don’t give up now.”

Don’t give up? How do you not give up? Somebody tell me that. All of this was a joke, a bitter and sick joke, and nobody was going to make it. We were all going to die, not like it wasn’t going to happen eventually. The comforting darkness in my mind tugged at me again and my eyes fluttered closed as I tethered on the brink of passing out.