Live and Learn (Short Stories)

All That Matters

My parents had a habit of telling me that I should go through life trying to succeed and staying away from boys. It was always the saying that love would only distract you and it would hurt you in the end. It was something about me being too young and being too impressionable; that it could change who I am. But, they should have known that, even if they said all of these things, the heart will do what it wants. It will sputter for that person and I can't do anything to stop it.

Even if I tried as hard as I could... harder than any other person could try... I wouldn't have been able to stop it. But, I didn't try. I didn't try to deny what my heart felt. Maybe I should have, maybe I should have listened to my parents. If I had followed the path that my parents had set for me, how different would my life be? I wouldn't have gotten sucked into all of this colorful madness and my head wouldn't be so clouded and confused. Its hard to tell if I even am in love, and its hard to tell who I'm in love with. People say it's easy, that you'll know straight away, but I feel that is a slight stretch from the truth.

Maybe my heart is over exaggerating how I feel; that I want to love someone so badly, it's decided to pretend it's in that state. All I have ever wanted was to love someone with all of my heart. I've wanted to have that happiness that came with loving someone unconditionally. But, it never came easy to me. I dated people I thought I was in love with, but now I question whether it was lust or need or want. In the end, the relationships were never quite what I expected. They were never right and they were sour.

My first boyfriend had dated many other women, including my best friend, while we were together. He had told me this the day his mom found out and made him break up with all but one. My friend, and he, thought that it was completely okay to share. I found it horrifying and barf worthy. I was utterly disgusted with the both of them. But in my search for love, my heart twanged when he had told me that I was the only one he wanted and the only girl he would stay with. Of course, we ended up breaking up but, I don't think he ever got over me. Every time we met after that, he fell in love with me all over again.

I never understood that. How could he continue to fall in love with me after all of this time? It was clear that we were not meant to be and it puzzled me. Why was I worth so much to him? I wasn't anything special. I was merely a girl searching for love, for another reason to live. That's why love was so important to me; it would become a reason to live. I hadn't had much of a home life. It was definitely something I look back on, all the good times. But the bad times are so bad and so many that it's hard to think of any of the times that I laughed and cried with joy. It was a hard childhood and even harder teenage years.

I might have even gave up on life at some point in my life, questioning my existence. I didn't understand why I was alive. That people could love me yet hurt me so much at the same time. I couldn't even try to comprehend it. Why would you hurt something or someone you love? Why would you leave them? Why would you do anything but love them?

I suppose It wasn't something a child should have been thinking about, but my mind always wandered to the things that were complicated and tangled up with so many things. I didn't think like the normal children would because I never saw myself as normal; I barely saw myself as a child. I do miss my younger days, where things weren't so complicated. Where I have to figure out whether a guy is after my heart or my body. That didn't make sense to me either because I was quite a self conscious person. Some people just couldn't understand that though...

Being at this age, I have to contemplate strange things, things I never thought I would have to think about. Do I actually love them? Would we be together forever? Would I miss them? What would I do if I couldn't answer any of these questions? I never could... I never could answer these questions. I swore to myself that it was love... because it hurt so much. But, it hurt so much that I wanted to run away, I almost couldn't bear it. How he talked about his ex, I couldn't stand it. All those times he told me he gave up, he was over her, how much she changed. But after I confessed, his opinions about her changed.

How much he liked her and missed her, how much she meant to him even though she was dating that guy she hated after telling my crush how much she wanted to get back together. How they still talked to each other as if they were dating. I couldn't stand it. He knew about my feelings and he did all of this anyway. I listened to all of it... without a single complaint. Never did I say a word about how much pain he was putting me in and how much I hated his topics. I listened and I participated, hoping one day he would recuperate my feelings. But... the more days go by, the more I want to give up. The more people that pop into my life.

An ex walks... sashes back into my life with all of his Jagger. The one I wanted, needed, loved the most out of all of them. The one I missed no matter how hard I denied it. I began to question my love for this other man. The ex I still craved had almost all of my heart, and there wasn't much room left for anyone else. Could I possibly love the other? My heart began to beat harder than ever as I tripped my way through. I couldn't decide which way I should go, which way made me happier. In my head, it was obvious. One man never hurt me and never drug me down, the other did. But my heart was undecided. Even though I had no chances, giving up felt wrong.

It made me wish I had never confessed because now I couldn't give up, knowing I had no shot. So , I began to hope with all of my being that this man would sweep me off of my feet and tell me he loved me. I wanted him to take me away from the man who continued to hurt me. The more and more he hurt me, the more I felt that he was doing it on purpose. He was purposely throwing these knives at my chest, trying to kill me as slowly as possible. He wanted me to know how much he didn't want me. He wanted me to back off and disappear. I began to wish I had never met him. I began to wish that I could leave him.

All I wanted was to love someone with all of my heart, and this situation is what I got. It became all that mattered to me. Who was the one I loved? Who did I want? Who wanted me?

And I always believed that neither of them wanted me. It couldn't be far from the truth... not at all. One of them already told me this. Now, I was just waiting for the other to shatter the rest of my heart. Everyday, I wait to hear those finalizing words that would rip me to shreds. I wonder if they know how much they mean to me? I wonder if they know how much it hurts me? I wonder if they even remember...?

That they are all that matters to me...