Suck It & See (ryden)

23. An Old (New) Flame

Time passed slowly after He left. Eden botched the plan to derail the prom assembly as she was dedicating her time to keeping my falling grades from crashing completely. I couldn't have cared careless, but she told me I would've been a thousand times more depressed if I had to repeat my senior year.

I agreed with that much.

While Eden carried me through my academics, Spencer was my only form of stability when it came to my feelings. I was rarely left alone these days, and for good reason I suppose.

Everyone just thought He had left for school purposes. Or because He missed home. Save for Spencer and Eden of course. They saw what happened, but they don't talk about it. We never really talk about Him period.

It didn't stop hurting, like everyone said it would. We're nearing on graduation and the past few months have been a painful blur. My life has become clockwork. I get up, go to school, come home, watch Eden do my homework, and finally I sleep. Not well, I might add. Then, I repeat this cycle the next day.

It still feels unreal that it's been over half a year since He left. The first few months I sat by my phone and waited everyday. I thought that maybe my speech would've changed his mind in some way or another. It didn't. Unfortunately for me it took until January to realize this.

After that, things got really bad. I didn't eat or really talk even. I just stared. I didn't have to energy to talk to be honest. When He left, He took everything I had with Him. That's okay though. I wanted him to have it.

"B, can you please just try for a minute?" Eden sighs. The girl really has the patience of a saint. "Finals are coming up next week, and you need to pass." I don't respond. I've got nothing to say. The way I look at it is, I can bullshit my way through finals, because I had decent enough grades the first semester so shitty test grades aren't going to kill me.

But Eden thinks I'm going to go to college after this. She is sorely mistaken.

"Brendon, do you even care at all?!"

"Not really, no."

The girl stares at me for a moment, completely exhausted with my antics. "Fine. Then I don't care either." She finally says, slamming my English book closed. She doesn't speak another word before leaving me alone. I don't feel. Not in the same way at least.

Not feeling tired at all, I decide to go to bed. Not like there's anything else to do.

When I get up stairs, I walk right past my bedroom. I don't sleep in there anymore; not in that bed. I crawl under my blankets, sighing. This is how it goes every night. I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling for hours thinking of nothing until I finally fall asleep. Then I dream of Him. Still.

Not that I'll ever stop dreaming of Him.

***

A week or so had passed since Eden snapped on me and in that time I had a revelation. Back before He was around, if I was feeling shitty I'd just go to the club and the next school day I'd come back a new man. With that thought in mind, I put on my tightest pair of jeans and most snug fitting button down.

"Where are you going, Dear?" Mom asks as I trot down the stairs. She's been babying the hell out of me and part of me wants to love it, but then the other half of me knows that the only time she butters me up like this is when she knows my father will be coming home in the near future. I should've expected it though, considering I'm graduating high school soon.

"Spencer's." And that's all I need to say. She smiles at me, waving as I head out the door. The woman is practically giddy these days when I leave the house. She would never say it to my face, but I know she's scared for me. Hell, everyone is.

I end up at the club I used to regular at and the bouncer doesn't even bother to check my I.D. I sucked his dick once. As payment. Just like I'm used to, many eyes pull to me instantly and it's got me high. Maybe I can forget. Even if it's just for a second.

"Hey, Brendon." My head snaps towards the direction of the voice and I was prepared. I so didn't sign up for this. When I was dressing myself to the nines I had no idea I would have to ready myself for a full on attack like this. There's no way I can forget, who was I kidding?

Feeling vomit rise in my throat, I make a break for the bathroom. Why the fuck is he here? Tucking myself into the last stall, I steady my breathing, but only for a second because I know he'll follow me in. Isn't that what he does though? Chase me around and fuck up my life.

I pull my phone out of my pocket and quickly dial Spencer's number. He the closest one to the club. The phone rings for a bit before sending me to his voicemail.

"You know, you used to run into my arms. Now you run from me..." The smooth voice sends a shiver down my spine. "You don't have to run from me, Bren." I don't respond, because why the fuck would I? So he keeps talking. "God, what happened to us, B? We used to be so good, until that little fuck came along."

In a fit of sudden rage, I throw the door open, nearly hitting James. "Don't. You are nothing compared to him. Don't you think that you will ever be as good as him. That boy is kind and loving and probably the best damn thing that ever happened to me."

"Yeah, well if your pretty boy is so great where the fuck is he? Why are you here dressed like a slut?" I practically seethe at his words and slap the older man across the face.

"You have no right!" I practically scream. "He's gone! And you know why? Because you couldn't just leave me be! If you had never came back to the school, I would've never fucking cheated on him. I would've pouted for sure and maybe I would've got a little trashed, but I would've never betrayed him like that." My chest heaves as I let out all of my anger. "So fuck you James. Have a nice life." Feeling a new sense of confidence and pride, I leave the club without a second thought.

When I get home, I finish the abandoned English homework sitting on my dining room table.

Change can come at any random time, but you have to be the one to take control of where that change takes you.