Handle With Clare

Chapter 7: You Handle It With Clare

I gave him a small smile because that was the first time I have heard him laugh. My goal was complete. There was a reason he was my favorite doctor in the world. "I know I'm strong, but sometimes, most of the time, I don't feel that way. I feel so weak and fragile all the stinking time. I get frustrated when I can't do something because I knew in the past that I could do those things."

He shrugged, as if the answer was simple. "Cancer's never easy. But I didn't know you as a quitter. When has something hard stopped you before?"

"It hasn't," I said matter-of-factly.

He smiled. "That's what I thought. I know cancer sucks, but over the past few years, I have seen you change into this amazing young woman sitting in front of me today. Without this hardship in your life, you wouldn't have changed into this amazing, strong, determined, brutally honest, sarcastic person."

"But what if I was happy with the person I was beforehand?" I asked carefully.

"Well, the funny thing about life is that it constantly makes people change. You're never going to the same person you were three years ago. I have seen some people crumble when they found out they had cancer. But you, if you ask me, you blossomed. You've changed for the better," he leaned back in the chair and closed his eyes.

I wasn't sure if he fell asleep, but I didn't dare wake him. I think he had a long day. There were a few minutes of silence, and then he opened his eyes and looked back at me. "Did you read the information I gave you?" he asked.

Oh yeah, that was what I had to do for this weekend. "No, I forgot. Sorry."

He smiled. "Well, at least I can count on your honesty today. I thought you would, that's why I came to give you this," he said as he dug around in his briefcase. "Figured you had nothing better to do right now," he added, as he gave me a stack of papers.

The papers fell heavy on my lap, crushing not just my legs but my soul as I looked at them. Oh, lovely. My favorite. Just when school finished, I got more fun things to read about. Remind me again why he was my favorite? "Thanks. You're too kind," I sarcastically said as I took the papers and put them on a small table beside me.

He gave me a small smile. "I know I am. So how are your symptoms doing and please be honest with me. Your parents aren't in the room so I don't want you to hold back."

I thought about what to say for a minute and then said, "I've had more nose bleeds recently."

"How many?"

"Like three since the last visit."

He frowned, and I didn't like that look. His face was full of worry and when a doctor gives you that face you know something's wrong. "I want you to do an MRI today. I'm thinking we might need to start a more aggressive approach."

I felt my stomach drop. Aggressive. The word bounced around in my mind like a kid on a trampoline. I thought this was already an aggressive approach. There must be something really wrong with me this time. "I'm dying for real this time, aren't I?" I blurted out, unable to control my thoughts.

His frown deepened. It was the truth, but he wouldn't admit it. "Not if I can help it. Clare, I'll do all that I can to make sure you have a long happy life here on earth."

I nodded at him, but I paid little attention to what he was telling me. All that was on my mind was that I was dying. In the back of my mind, I knew I was. I could feel it in my bones more so than in the past. But it was harder to hear it from him. I felt water well up into my eyes. "Thanks for being honest with me."

He nodded and put his hand on mine. He gave me a small smile and left the room. As soon as he left the room, I cried. I was glad my parents went out so I could be alone. I didn't want them to see me like this. If they saw me cry they would cry too, then it would be one big crying party. No one liked that. It was messy and depressing. This was my pity party, and that was how I wanted to keep it.