Handle With Clare

Chapter 26: It Hurt My Heart

Look out for the <>!

Darla H

I laid in bed for I don't know how long as I faded in and out of consciousness. No one returned to my room for a while after Doctor Patel left, but I was grateful for that. I didn't want people crying over me, seeing their sad faces. I didn't want to be reminded that I was the center of all of their pain and that it would have been easier if they never had me in their lives to begin with. Instead, I enjoyed the peace of being alone. After the crowd of people and chaos, I need silence and a moment to think.

I listened to the birds chirping outside and just enjoyed the new fall breeze that came blowing in from the open window in my room. I heard a small child outside my door tell his parents about a little blue ball that he loved. Children were so simple. I wish I had more of my childhood left. I feel like that kind of innocence never stayed with me as long as it should have, reminding me of another thing that cancer took from me.

I sighed with a slight frown as I realized that life was beautiful. The way the sun would hit the cars and make them shine, the way a baby laughs at their parents for doing something silly, how new snow falls on the ground so gently, like feathers coming to the earth. This life was full of beauty and I hated to admit that for the past three years I refused to see this simple beauty.

Over the past three years, I slowly turned into this bitter person who I was now. I didn't have the intention to be like this; I didn't want to be like this, but as a flower dies in late summer, my personality did the same, slowly, until it was completely gone.

I became jaded with life, unamused by the simplicity and wonder of it. I lived day in and out, unfazed by what happened around me until Peter broke me out, but even then I still found myself jaded at times. In my attempt to be brave, I turned to stone. Now my life was ending, and it only took me until now to notice the simple beauty that my life had.

<>

Breaking me from my thoughts sometime later was my phone, that buzzed with a text from Peter. "Can I drop by again?" he asked.

I frowned, knowing that if I didn't have long, it wasn't right that I stayed with him for any longer. He didn't deserve to stay around until the end. I didn't want him to see me waste away like that. Breaking up would be the best for both of us but it was going to be so hard. I cared about him so much that I wanted him around still but didn't at the same time.

I quickly responded yes as I thought about what to tell him. What I was doing to him wasn't fair. He deserved a normal relationship, and that was why I needed to end it with him. I needed him to move on for not only himself but for me. I had no future, and he was just wasting his time with me, he deserved so much more than I offered.

A few minutes later, Peter walked back in with a smile on his face, all worry vanished, hinting that he was either faking it or he truly believed that I would be ok. "I'm going to head out ok?" He said and took a seat by my bed. He reached for my hand, giving it a light squeeze, then kissed it. "You are going to be fine. You will get over this."

I frowned at him but said nothing as emotions took hold. He was in denial. He wouldn't accept this as my fate, he would hold on to hope, and once I faded into nothing, it would crush him, maybe even break him. As I looked at his hopeful eyes, I didn't have the heart to tell him that I couldn't get over this. This was the end of the road for me, but as I looked at him, the words I wanted to say got caught in my throat.

I squeezed his hand back as emotions told hold of me, not wanting him to leave my side. My eyes well up with tears as I thought about how selfish I was for keeping him around. I hated it but at the same time, I couldn't stop myself, finding it impossible to push him away at the moment.