onesie. ☤ phan au

four days into the future

a.n. i updated my schedule btw if you wanna take a look at it !

february 10

so much has happened in the past few days. things that include things i don't want to talk about, things that include things i don't want to remember, and things that include things i don't want to relive ever again.

everything is stressing me out at the moment. people are entering and exiting my room and asking me questions. i can't even get away from it because i'm healing. honestly, i just want to be alone.

i haven't been alone for days. i mean, there's times where i'm actually alone and no one is talking to me, but then only in a few minutes someone will come into my room and trying to give me sympathy.

"it's okay to cry," they would say. "you'll get over it." i don't care about the sympathy people give me. i don't care about anyone right now. not even myself. i usually just ignore people and they just ask me "yes" or "no" questions. easy enough.

i ask people to leave me alone and they don't. i can't enjoy some privacy nowadays. family keeps coming in and asking if i'm alright and i tell them "yes" each time. they don't believe me.

"okay phil; today's your big day!" louise silently yells as she enters the room. in her hands are a clipboard, a bag with clothing ( i suppose ) in it, a pencil and paper. she hands me the pencil and paper and lies the bag on the front of the bed. she looks at the clipboard and takes in a deep breath. "so today at 9, you will be writing your speech –– it doesn't have to be long –– and at 10 you should be finished. around 10:30 you should be getting ready and at 11 we should be leaving the hospital. at 12 or 12:30 we should arrive at the place and it starts at 1:00. it gives us enough time just in case there's traffic. before that, at 1, we should be preparing. then, it takes about an hour or two to say speeches and then we head off to the site around 2 or 3. it will take less than five minutes to get to the site and then it will take about 30 minutes for the ceremony. then, afterwards, we will have refreshments and talk for an hour. at 4:45, we will be getting in the car and driving back to the hospital and we will check up on you to see if you're fine. also, phil, i wanted to tell you that you are leaving this hospital in about six more days. we will have a few check ups on you and then you are free to leave." after that, she leaves.

i check the time and it's about 8:30. i should be getting breakfast, but louise has told me that i can't leave my bed––

"i forgot! here's a wheelchair. we don't want you to walk around much, so we got you this. you can move around now and get out of bed." she leaves the room after pushing the chair towards my bed.

i take my time getting out of bed because i didn't want to harm myself and then everyone freaks out. i plop myself down on the wheelchair soon and then make my way towards the cafeteria.

the cafeteria was abandoned. no one was in it. just two months ago when i first joined this cancerous community, it was loaded with people. people were laughing with their friends and having a great time being a living, breathing creature.

now, no one is here. the food that was being served was untouched and some chairs weren't even put onto the ground after cleaning. there was no food on the ground, no dust, and nothing was spilled.

it's sad to see this difference. this cafeteria was alive before. now, it's dead. people are dropping dead within minutes and this hospital is becoming dead.

now that i realize it, no one is on this floor anymore. there's only tens of people now, not hundreds. i heard once that they're changing the cancer floor above this floor into another nursery room as more children are escaping the uterus each day.

i make my way towards the trays to get my food, but they stop me. "sorry, boy, but we're not open for business. the food's been out for a week and we need to get rid of it. you had your chance last week."

i stare at them in disappointment. they shouldn't be "closed"; they're a cafeteria for patients, for crying out loud! 

"i would have come last week," i start, "but i was kind of on the verge of dying."

"well that sucks, doesn't it? no one is eating our food because the patients are dying. the nurses and doctors think it's the food and they're testing it right now, actually. we don't want to be responsible for another death. if you want food, go next door. they have a plaza full of food such as mcdonalds, nando's, and starbucks."

"i kind of can't do that."

"well then no food for you. we're shutting down. now scram." more workers come out and take the trays of food that apparently has been untouched for a week. i make my way towards the door, press the handicap button so it opens for me, and make my way towards my room to call louise to tell her to bring food.

actually, she was already in the room looking angry. i didn't know what was up and why she was angry. so, i check the time. it's about five after. what's up with her?

"you're late! we have to get working, kiddo." i make my way towards the bed and she pushes the table connecting to the bed towards me. on it was water, toast with nothing on it, a paper, and a pencil. "now, write."

i didn't know what to say. there's so much to say, yet i can't think of anything. maybe i'm just tired or hungry or just too empty to think. everything is falling apart in front of me without me noticing.

---

time passes quickly and i see that i'm at the place now. i didn't even know. it was all so sudden that i didn't even process the pass few hours.

i enter the building and see that only a few people came. some i recognized, and some that i did not recognize. i saw pj and walk over to him. they told me that it's ok to walk around for now. they said it would help me a bit. but then again, they say that i shouldn't walk. does that make any sense? not really.

soon, he was standing in front of him and looking directly right at him. "you okay?" i ask. he nods. "time changes so quickly, you know. i mean, when i see him, i just remember the minute we first met. and now that i come back into reality, i'm just astonished and thinking, 'wow, we made it this far. how did that happen?'"

i saw a tear fall from his face. "yeah," he finally agrees. "time does change pretty quickly."

someone tells us now that it's time for the ceremony. we all make our way to a seat. pj, louise, and i sit in the front as we were kind of his "family." actually, we were the closest thing to his family as only his mum and brother showed up.

i fell asleep for the first ten minutes until i saw his mum leave the stage and cuing me to speak. i slowly make my way towards the podium and then stare at the few people who showed up. i wasn't planning on showing up honestly. i didn't want to see his face. it was too much to handle.

i take a deep breath and pull the stack of index cards out of my pocket. i take a look at the first sentence saying, "we all are here because of that person ( gesture to him )." i close my eyes for a few seconds and look at the audience of about twenty. there was no stutter as i say the first sentence.

"daniel james howell is a star."