onesie. ☤ phan au

forty-five days past

a/n ; FIRST OF ALL BEFORE I START LOOK AT THE PHAN ART audrat DREW FOR LAST CHAPTER IT'S SO PRETTY AND CUTE AND I'M FGKHDFSGJKS LIKE I DIDN'T THINK ANYONE WOULD DRAW WHAT I ASKED OR SAID IN THE LAST CHAPTER THANK YOU SO MUCH also a somewhat long / short chapter ?/?? enjoy and happy holigays

trigger warnings // none ?

phil

dan. dan dan dan dan dan dan dan. dan howell. i just can't stop thinking of him. or what i did last night.

i was sitting in my room with my door locked and with a sign on it that reads "do not disturb." i didn't want dan or anyone to disrupt my thinking right now.

why did i even kiss dan? was that even necessary?

no. it wasn't. it was uncalled for and i didn't even expect that to happen. i'm too in love with him. the way he was surprised when i jumped out of the wheel chair i was sitting on just to kiss the boy in the bear onesie last night on the roof just made me want to hug him. i wanted to tell him that i love him and everything... but i can't. i'm stuck in this room trying to collect all my thoughts.

i just wanted to see dan right now and figure out what he was thinking. i wanted to know what he thought of when i kissed him.

immediately after the kiss, i got back on my wheel chair and started to wheel away from him and to my room. i shouldn't of have left him there to just to think of everything at that moment. i should have stayed there and looked into his beautiful, brown eyes. i should have told him that i love him. but i didn't.

i wonder if he's angry or anything. or maybe not. maybe he liked the kiss. maybe he likes me—dammit, phil. you're getting too ahead of yourself. dan obviously doesn't like me. i'm just a pale boy who's lonely and has heart cancer and is going to die in just less than two months.

dan

i love phil.

i'm deeply in love with him now after that kiss. i just felt the way his lips felt when it pressed against mine. and i'm angry because of how he probably wasn't even thinking and regrets that night we spent together having fun. he probably regrets meeting me in the first place, too.

it makes me upset thinking about this because i knew that he just felt lonely and he probably has a boyfriend back at home and he misses the way he kissed his boyfriend.

but then again, phil told me once that he didn't have a boyfriend.

maybe an ex-boyfriend. maybe phil missed kissing people and so he kissed me. or maybe he kissed me because he liked me, yet maybe he might think that i kissed him back because he thinks i pitied him for having this horrible disease by kissing him to make him feel less lonely and more at home.

i don't know what goes on in that boy's mind. but i will now.

i get up from my bed and plop myself into the wheelchair next to my bed and make my way towards phil's room. his room was literally right next to mine so it wouldn't have been a long journey. except if i didn't have this wheel chair and i had no prosthetic leg, it would feel like i'm walking across africa through the deserts to his room because i'm slow and have to hop.

i make my way towards his door, until i see a small sign on it that reads, "do not disturb." i didn't want to disrupt him. maybe he was sleeping, or collecting his thoughts. what do i do now? do i knock on his door and barge in? he might hate me for doing so and he'll probably tell me to leave or something.

all i want to do is tell phil lester that i love him, but i can't.

phil

all i want to do is tell dan that i love him, but i can't.

it hurts because i know i love him and that he probably maybe likes me back. but if i tell him that i love him, i'm afraid of being rejected. he might laugh at me and tell me that i'm not important and leave me. he'll leave me all alone, suffering from this disease. i'm going to die alone in this hospital. doctors are probably going to be by my side during death, but i know that they mean nothing to me. they will just get upset that they lost another patient. they won't remember me after that.

but if i dated dan, maybe i wouldn't die alone. i would die having someone for a while to keep me happy because it's with someone i love. but i wouldn't die happy because then dan would be alone once again living a horrible life. and that would suck.

i didn't want dan to be unhappy. i wanted to do everything that'll make him happy. but then again, i can't. i'm limited to everything, basically. i can't walk because i can faint and maybe have a heart attack, i can't go to many places because i might hurt myself, and i can't do anything but eat, sleep, drink some water, use the bathroom, and to wait for my death.

i didn't even know that i was crying just now. i knew why though. it was because of these lonely thoughts populating my mind. i was just thinking of loneliness when i die. my mum won't even be next to me when i die. nor would dan. i would just die alone surrounded by doctors who don't care but just to try to help me live when it's not going to happen. most heart cancer patients die. and i knew that i wasn't going to live because i wouldn't be just that 0.2% who lives.

i then hear a bang on my door. maybe someone such as a nurse needed to come in to give me food or medicine or whatever? "you can come in, i guess," i say after wiping away my tears. i then hear wheels on the floor and i look up and see dan howell sat on a wheel chair at the doorway of the room. i then wipe my tears away as fast as i can so dan wouldn't call me a wuss for crying.

"are you okay?" he asks me. i just noticed he's just right beside my bed holding a box of tissues that i couldn't reach earlier. i took a tissue and started wiping my eyes. i shake my head and get out of my bed to hug dan.

i hug him tightly and cry into his shoulder and he finally hugs back, patting my back.

"it's going to be okay, phil. i love you." the words he just said to me sounded like he just told the most important person in his life, which was me, that he loves me. the words were soft and calming and made me so happy. i smile and wipe away the tears drooping down my face.

"i love you too, dan."