Boy in a Girl's Body

Chapter 17

It wasn't the first time I had ever kissed someone, but, this blew Spin The Bottle so far out of the water, it wasn't even funny. It wasn't a dirty, tongue-twisting lip lock. Just a quick, but sweet as sugar union of the both of us. When Wendy pulled her lips from mine, I could feel her inside me, like she had given me part of her soul during the act.

She smiled shyly at me, and took my small hand in hers before she turned her attention to the mulling crowds around us. I expected someone to throw a fit over what had just happened, but it looked like no one else had noticed. It was  secret kiss, one between just the two of us, and no one else had seen it. No one else could lable it perverse, or wrong. It was pure, right, just how it should be.

There wasn't any confessions of love, or corny lines exchanged, we enjoyed the silence and the calling of the birds that flew overheard, diving for crumbs and scraps left in the quad.  Wendy's hand felt familliar, her skin was soft, like mine, but there was something so new about touching another person this tenderly, this easily. 

I didn't come from a very touchy feely family, but it wasn't like we never hugged or kissed goodnight. I'd held hands with guys before I came out, and it always felt wrong, like I was playing a part. Lying to them and myself about what I really wanted. When I had finally admitted to myself that it was okay that I was trans, my attraction to women came easily.

I'm not saying it didn't take time for me to adjust. It did. After an entire lifetime of forcing myself to lust after beefed up men, it took me some time to let myself get wound up over the image of a woman in a bikini. For the first few months, I wanted for my Mom to bust into my room, completely aware of what was going on, and tell me that what I was doing was wrong.

But she never did. And, slowly, it got easier to see women in a sexual way. I didn't look at them like objects; living as one for so long, knowing what they went through, what they worried about, what they wanted made that impossible. I knew personally what it was like to be a girl, so the only feelings I could ever have toward the fairer sex were feelings of deep respect and understanding.

I had the feeling that Wendy knew I didn't see her as a piece of meat. But what I couldn't wrap my head around was the fact that she had kissed me! She  knew I was transgender and she still kissed me anyway!

It's hard to explain what a big deal this is. For trans people, finding someone to date can be tricky, especially if you don't know if you want to be open about your trans status, or be stealth about it. Stealth, meaning you try and pass as your real gender, the one you are inside. This can be dangerous, for obvious reasons, not to mention strssful. And, it's hard to break it to the person that you're dating that you were born a girl, or a boy. That normally never goes welll, have you seen Boys Don't Cry?

When you're open with people, honest it makes it a little bit easier. That way, people who aren't okay with it stay away from you, and if you cross paths with someone that's okay with it, they know from the start. But being out has it's own dangers, as my recently Kissing The Locker experience shows.

Being trans in general is dangerous, you just gotta figure out what works for you, and stick with it. We gotta be brave, you know. Brave enough to come out and do what makes us happy, no matter what happens. Easier said than done. Trust me, before I came out, I had nightmares of my parents losing it, and kicking me out, saying that they never wanted to see me again.

But, thankfully, that didn't happen. It was still bumpy at home, but we were dealing with it. It was hard all around, but it was getting easier. For that I would always be greatful.

 Wendy and I held hands all lunch period, and when the bell sent us off to glass again, she kissed my cheek, and clung to me as long as she could. We didn't speak, it would have ruined everything, sometimes, silence is all you need.