Boy in a Girl's Body

Chapter 8

I paced among the Science Fiction section of my school's library, much too nervous about meeting Wendy here than I should be. I wished I had some guy friend with a really weird way of comforting me, slapping me on the back, telling me that there was no reason to be nervous. Or...something guys say to comfort each other. Instead, I flipped through nearly ever book on the shelves, trying to pass time, but I managed to look at the clock every five seconds, which everyone on the fucking planet knows doesn't help.

I figured that she would show up when I wasn't watching the door, sneak up behind me, wrap me in one of her awesome hugs. The thought of Wendy wrapping her arms around me mademe flush a bright pink, the idea of Wendy touching me in any way was really getting me...excited, for the lack of a better word. I found myself buried in a bout of discomfort, my mind trying to force my body to respond to my sudden arousal in that way. I could picture it clearly in my mind; I was one of the few guys on the planet that would give his arms for a case of morning wood. But, no matter how much I tried to force my body to react this way, I wasn't a lizard. I couldn't grow body parts at will. If I could. I wouldn't have as a big of an issue passing, that's for sure.

I tossed my hair out of my eyes, trying to pull myself out of the funk I was now in. Thinking about the parts I was missing always left me feeling deeply depressed. It's hard to explain, beingtransgender. It's like you're stuck in a costume that you can't take off, and people keep mistaking you for someone else. Even those closest to you, the people that should know you better than you know yourself. All your life, you're expected to live as this other person, behave a certain way, dress a certain way, to live a lie. Every day, it tears you apart inside, knowing that you're lying to everyone, and worrying about if people would accept you if you told them the truth.Never mind the trials of having to figure out your feelings, growing up confused, in pain and feeling all alone in that. Having no one you can go to for comfort or advice. The hopelessnessand isolation is the worst feeling in the world. Unless you've been through it yourself, there was no possible way you could ever understand.

Coming out, telling everyone your biggest secret was like staring down a loaded gun. Walking from one skyscraper to the next on a tight wire, with no circus training. You felt like you were falling, the words stuck in your throat, the fear. Waiting for your mother and father to scream at you, chase you out of the house you grew up in. Leaving you to fend for yourself on the streets. Horrific possibilities raced through your mind, and you can't control it. But, you know that if you try to live as anyone other than who you really are, it will kill you. Because living with this pain, the loneliness, it was a fate worse than death. 

A bubble gum voice brought me back to reality, making me jump, dropping the book that was in my hands. Wendy laughed, and bent to retrieve the fallen novel. She was dressed in an outfit similar to yesterday's, mostly comfort clothes. But, hell, she looked great, She was glowing, like a miniature sun, I could feel myself thawing, my mood lifting just because she was near me.

Wendy's hair was wild, a bad hair day by a female's definition, but I liked the way her hair had it's own personality. She was wearing a sweatshirt that went to her knees, wolves howling at a big yellow moon, deep purple in color. Her legs were covered by tight, pale blue jeans, sneakers on her tiny feet. 

She smiled at me, her teeth milky white, shinning. I felt my lips pull up into a smirk, slightly off kilter because of the surprise. We stood there, in silence smiling at each other for a few seconds before Wendy suggested we move to a table. Still unable to form a sentence, I followed her through the maze over the small cluster of tables for kids that actually worked in the library.

Wendy thunked her bag on the table, kicking her legs up on the chair across from her, patting the seat next to her. I slipped in silently, leaving my backpack on my lap for security. I needed something to hold so my hands didn't start shaking. 

What the hell was wrong with me? Why was so off? She was just a girl. I'd talked to hundreds of girls before, I didn't fall apart then. What was so different about Wendy? Okay, I knew Wendy was different, she wasn't like anyone I had ever met. Female, or otherwise. But I still didn't get why it was so hard for me to put words together in front of her, to breathe in front of her. 

I wasn't ready to find the answers to those questions. I didn't want to face what was starting to come to life inside me. I wasn't ready for that yet, and I wouldn't be for a long, long time. Things were so complicated right now, and besides, there was no way in hell that Wendy could feel the same way. She probably smiled at all of her friends that way. Hugged them that tightly....

"Eli, Eli, Earth to Eli," Wendy tapped my arm, jerking me out of my thoughts. I blushed dropping my eyes to my balled fists. 

"Not a morning person, are we?" Wendy teased me softly, leaning back into her  chair, getting comfortable. 

"No, n-not-r-really no", the words tripped over themselves, tangled and ruined. I chewed on the insides of my cheeks, cursing myself for being such a putz. This was pathetic. Just talk!

"Well, then, I shall do the talking. Perpare yourself, Elijah, for I can talk a blue streak. Your ears will bleed by the time first hour comes around." A devilish smile danced on Wendy's full lips. At the sight of that smile, my stomach back flipped, my heart danced a jig, something inside me twitched and wiggled around. Fuck.

I'd never seen a smile so beautiful in my entire life.