Boy in a Girl's Body

Chapter 10

I twisted and turned in the mirror, a light blue cluster of bruises was starting to show up. Not too bad, but visible none the less. I pulled on my undershirt binder and a baggy Falling In Reverse tee and folded myself on my bed, comfy and warm. I tapped my pen against my leg, staring at my blank notebook trying to find a way to best phrase my feelings. Journaling was something that helped me get through the past few years, getting out my secrets and feelings. But writing this down, what had happened in the library was just too damn humiliating. I couldn't even think about it. 

I knew that it wasn't my fault that Troy was an arogant asshole, but I couldn't help feeling like it was my fault. Like I was asking for it. If I had just stayed in the closet and waiting until I was in college to come out, and out of this small shitty town I wouldn't be going through this hell. 

After walking Wendy to class earlier that day, someone had grabbed my by my backpack straps, and thrown me to the ground. My books spilled across the hall, papers scattered everywhere. I didn't see who did it, they dissolved into the crowds leaving me with a parting of 'Tranny freak!'.

Most of the people around me laughed openly, grinning like sick fucks. They kicked my books around the hall, stepped on my homework and left me scrambling on my knees. It took everything I had in me not to cry, not to just curl up there and hide. I knew things would get rough after I came out and I thought I could handle that. But I could feel the hate around me all the time in those damn hallways. The classrooms getting smaller and smaller. 

The hostile glares were more common now than ever. I was starting to feel scared, even when Troy wasn't around. I didn't feel safe at school anymore. But I couldn't tell anyone about it. Not even my parents. If they knew, they might tell me what I already knew. That it was my fault and I was asking for it. That if I had just stayed a girl, none of this would ever happen. 

I ran my fingers through my hair, shuddering. I felt so alone just then. Like there wasn't anyone in my lfie I could turn to for advice. Not anyone that could understand, anyway. I needed more than the cliches that everyone else could offer me. I needed words of wisdom from other transguys. I needed to know that it was possible to make it out of this alive, and that it really was worth it. That things did get better and I wouldn't always be cagged in by all of this hate.

I pulled my laptop off my nightstand, and opened google chrome, clicking on Tumblr.com. I had a blog I ran for fun, mostly when i had nothing better to do. But, recently I had come acorss a lot of other transguys and even blogs dedicated to us. Confessions blogs, pride blogs, everything. My favorite though, had to be http://fuckyeahftms.tumblr.com/.

It wsa the most positive enviorment, and seeing all of the guys so out and proud and getting closer to who they really are, it all gave me hope. We were supporting each other, pushing each other forward. Looking at the photos and reading the little bits about it guy just made me feel like I was part of some weird family that was spread across the entire world.

Yeah I might be the only transguy at my school, but there were millions of other guys out there like me. They went through shit and came out the other side, stronger and more sure of themselves. Sometimes, this blog was the only thing that kept me form giving up completely. 

As stupid as this sounds, you could find the best support online. You didn't have to know these people in person to know that they had your back. That they understood what you went through, and where you were coming from. They lived it, like I did. When I read this blog, I felt hopeful and excited about my future. 

I just needed to find a way to survive my present.