Finding You

Chapter ~~13

“Navia” I said confused “do not be scared it is me.” Her eyes were wide and scared. “Please come to me, I will make you feel better. Everything will alright.” I held my hands out to her begging her to come to me. She shook her head, and her bottom lip quivered like she was about to break. “Why?” I asked. “Why do you not come to me?” Why was she so scared of me? What had I done to scare her?

She took a deep breath and let it out shakily. “I don’t want to love you anymore.” Her words were like ice and they made my body go cold. My muscles tightened and my mind was slow like it could not process her words.

“You do not want to love me anymore.” I said each word slow so that each one could sink in. 

She started crying again. “No, I don’t want this anymore. I can’t…” she never finished and just shook her head. Her eyes were so hurt and uncertain.

My chest was being buried in pain. “Why?” I asked hurt. My voice was just above a whisper. I did not think I could raise my voice any louder.

She looked down at the bed and said “I can’t be with you.” She took deep breaths and clenched her hands into fists. “If this is what being bonded to you is going to be like then I can’t do it.” She squeaked and I saw as her tears got the best of her. She started crying harder and her body shook. I got on the bed and I tried to pull to me but she pushed me away. She crawled back until her back hit the wall. She put her head against the wall and let her tears fall.

“Navia it takes much more to kill me than that. You have no worry of losing me. I am not going anywhere.”

“You can’t promise me that” she shouted. She looked so angry but the tears made her look sad. “You can’t see into the future and tell me that we will always be together.” She closed her eyes but the tears still came. I felt like someone had ripped part of me away. Navia does not want to be with me. The words hurt to think and my blood turned cold.

“Navia, I promise as long as there any life inside me I will not let anything happen to you. Or me. I will do what I must to ensure that we are together.” I got closer to her. I put my hand on top of hers. Her eyes opened and she started at me with wavering eyes. “Do you love me?”

She took a quick breath and said “You know I love you.”

“Then we should be together. Nothing else matters. Just us together.” I grabbed her hand and squeezed.

She looked in my eyes. She said “I’m scared Lucas”, and pulled her hand away. “I can’t live…if anything happened to you…I would die.” Her words made my insides tighten. My body was sick with the thought of her dead. “I’m scared Lucas. I don’t want to lose you and I don’t want to die.” Her voice was shaky and her chest shook. “What will happen to me? Will I ever see you again?” She looked to me for answers.

“I do not know what will happen to you.” More tears broke free from her and she looked devastated by my answer. “If I were to die I would go to hell and I would do anything to see you again.” She shook her head. I grabbed her hands. “Navia look at me.” She shook her head. “Look at me!” I demanded. Her eyes hesitantly opened. The sadness in her green eyes made me ache to take all her emotions away. I wanted to numb her from it all. “I promise to find you wherever you go, or wherever I go. I will not rest until you are by my side.”

She squeaked and somehow she was crying even harder. Her knees fell and she fell into me. She clutched my shirt and held with all her strength. As she sobbed her body rocked against mine. I held her close and never wanted to let her go. Something hummed against my chest. I pulled her away and I lifted her face so she looked at me. Her face was soaked and tears were still running from her face. Her eyes were closed and she was whispering something. I leaned down so I could hear her.

“Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me.” She kept saying it over and over like it would bind me to her. I pulled her back to me and I rubbed her back.

“Shhhhh” I quieted her. “I am not going anywhere. And if I do you are going with me.”

She cried until she passed out from exhaustion. I sat on the bed and pulled the blanket around us. I did not want to put her down since she was in so much pain. But I was equally as conflicted. I had almost lost her today. It felt like I was being ripped apart with each of her words rejecting me. I was shaky and I felt sick. I can never be without her now. I have felt what it would be like without her and I will make sure I never feel that way again.

She woke the next morning and she was still exhausted. It radiated from her and her whole body was sore. She was sleeping facing me so when she looked up she had a red mark from my shirt on her face. There was a hole in my shirt and she had rest her head right over my heart, where the knife had pierced me. I cupped her cheek and she look at me with scared eyes.

“Lucas” she said in a raw voice. Somehow there was a tear forming in her eye. I could not bear to see her cry again. I squeezed her tight and buried my face in her hair.

“Navia, do not cry. I am not leaving you and you are not leaving me. We must stay together.” I pulled back and looked at her. She did not look okay but she at least did not look like she was about to break apart.

For a while I held her in my arms and I felt the tension in her. At noon I followed her downstairs. She looked back at me occasionally to make sure I was still there. I smiled at her but she kept her frown. She ate and once she was done a man took her plate away. I rose from my chair and held out my hand to her. She looked at it like it was an unknown object that could hurt her at any moment. Her eyes were unsure and she bit her bottom lip. I was so anxious. It felt like she was deciding right now if she was going to stay with me.

I was scared she would not take my hand. She stood up and my body went still and every muscle was tight. What would I do if she denied me? How could I go on without her? Where would she go? Who would care for her? She could leave but she would not get far before the ache for me got so strong it was painful. Shakily she grabbed my hand and my body warmed at her touch. She wanted me. Every muscle relaxed, and I was happy. I looked down at her and I saw as slowly a tiny smile lifted her lips. She looked up from our hands and I saw the resolve in her.

I smiled and pulled her close. “You are mine.”

As the day went on Navia warmed to me, and I was happy to have her back. The next day was better and slowly things went back to normal.