A Pretty Little Parody [PLL]

2. The Dick-tator of Rosebush Day

ONE-AND-A-HALF YEARS LATER

I strode down the hallway of Rosebush Day Middle School flanked by my four best friends like I was a famous celebrity. My hair had been professionally curled and my polo dress--blue this time, to match my huge, clear blue eyes--was short enough to be sexy but not short enough to be in a porno. It was the end of seventh grade (or almost the end, anyway; it was just starting to get nice and warm) and my friends and I were on our way to lunch. We always ate lunch outside at our special table, which was dubbed the KKK (Kool Kids’ Klub). If anyone else tried to sit at the Klub, their asses were thrown out, literally, by Evan, who would do anything to protect his princess, like anyone would.

The Klub, formally known as Table 29, was located outside the cafeteria, sitting at an angle so that the sun shone right on us like Mother Nature herself was giving us our own personal spotlight. There was, of course, a glare in our eyes and our ice-cream sandwiches melted a lot faster, but still! It was totally worth it.

As we neared the table, Scott pressed PLAY on his iPod and epic movie music started playing at full volume. Without missing a beat, my friends and I slowed down, pulled out our matching colored Ray-Bans at the same time, and slid them on in time to the music. All in slow-mo. The rest of the student body respectfully parted at slow motion and bowed down to make a sort of personal aisle for us to walk down.  

Ah, yes. Lunchtime was my favorite time of day.

Lunch had already been prepared for us at the Klub. The lunch ladies had put out our customary white tablecloth and satin pillows for my friends and me to sit on, and three huge boxes of pepperoni pizza (along with an extra one with mushrooms for Henry) sat proudly in the center of the table. When we got to the table, I turned around and waved and blew kisses to the crowd like I did every day before sitting down at my usual spot in the middle. Once I sat, my friends and everybody else took their seats as well.

Yes, I’d managed to fool everyone! Evan Phuk (yes, pronounced like the F word,even though he hadn’t even been kissed yet), Scott Hardon, Alec Mclovin, and Henry Marinatedchickenandfriedrice were my four new best friends. I’d started a rumor that Nadine and Ridley had contracted scabies from each other to ward off suspicious people and they were dropped to the bottom of the social ladder stat, no further questions asked.

I hadn’t even sat down for more than a minute when the usual beggars and tryhards started approaching me at my table. Debra Anis, who was in my World History class, ran up to me and slipped me the afternoon’s homework. I didn’t even have to ask for it anymore. Feather Radley, whose sister was the manager of the Rite Aid at the mall, handed me a gift bag full of the newest kinds of tampons that promised to be five times more absorbent and ten times more comfortable than any other brand out there. I technically didn’t have my period yet and would never have it, but absorbing blood wasn’t the only thing tampons were good for, you know.

“You’re the only person besides the employees who gets to try these out,” Feather said proudly.

“Thanks,” I said to Debra and Feather with a huge and only slightly fake smile on my face. It felt good to be so loved.

Ruling a school was hard work, but someone had to do it. I had major trends to launch (once I’d forgotten to brush my hair after getting out of bed and pretty soon everyone had ditched their morning hair-care routine); people to cut down (spray-painting a huge dick on Kami Forster’s locker would teach her not to take so many); parties to plan (and a shit ton of weed brownies to bake); and people to upstage.

Including my very best friends.

“Ohmigod, selfies,” I announced as soon as Her Royal Tryhardness Debra and Her Royal Pain In the Ass Feather left with glowing smiles on their faces. I pulled out my iPhone and snapped a photo of all of us grinning happily around the table. Alec may have been the official cameraman, but group selfies were my thing.