I don't mind what is happening anymore because none of what I do matters anymore. I am dead on the inside, having been torn apart for loving all unconditionally. Still why should I stop? I ask myself question on a daily basis. I have made it this far without ending my life though I may have lost all I've ever worked toward and I understand the reason. The reason being the lust for life motto rather than the love for life. Simply loving life rather than lusting for life seems to have brought more lives closer to me and has made me into an amazing and easy to get along with person.
I just can't believe my luck and trust me you want no part of it. It is only human nature, I know to want to be the best at something so I guess when my time comes I can say to myself that I am the most successful failure I know. Maybe I should have been a woman, maybe not. Do females have it any easier in the world today. In some ways yes, in others no. I find women ask far too many questions in order to receive a tabloid manipulated answer these days because the truth is too hard to swallow. The men in my life treat their woman well, for appearance sake anyhow, yet every so often I am thrown a question that really throws the appearance.
I don't judge anyone based on anything as the only person I am legally allowed to judge is myself. Am I really that outdated? I ask you this and believe I am. I know I'll catch up shortly. Yet I am too disgusted by the thought of ever even for trying anything again. I stock up buying extra many more times the amount that I need to sustain myself, not in case of a world wide failure, but in case someone in need comes along and is in need of assistance.
I really don't care if anyone ever returns to pay me back for helping them or if they do. There was a man in need of a place to stay until he got other options available who left my place on Halloween morning actually. It had nothing to do with the events that occurred while he was staying with me because it is pretty uneventful here these days, just me, my fish and my cat.
Nothing to exciting, yet on the morning of the last day I received some devastating news which has completely changed everything, though with that piece of artificial crap was eleven words I will hold onto until the day I expire... It also furthers my resolve to remain exactly who I am and where I am in life. If the message received was a warped and twisted message, I still don't care, it was the message itself that is beautiful to me. What had to take place in order to receive was deplorable but nothing written in that message matters beyond five of the eleven words written to me. Only time will tell and I might even live again, for the next few years I don't know what will happen, though I can hardly wait to find out.
