Ruined

tears

A/N

I figured I'd update again and just take you out of your misery. I'm sorry to all of you that hate me for what I've done but none the less. I love you all. So.....here you go loves! -x

She moves in her sleep and begins to fuss. Then she screams, a heart wrenching girly cry. I try to walk and shake and bounce and move. But she continues her cries. She begins to turn red in her face, her cries growing more and more impatient. Yet no tears fall her face.

I look to the nurse, "I don't know what's wrong with her she won't stop crying!"

She smiles taking her from me and asking, "Has mommy fed her yet?"

My heart drops a bit in my chest, "No...she hasn't been able to and now she's in surgery."

I recall what the doctor said, "She had some internal bleeding. They've rushed her into emergency surgery to locate the source of the bleeding."

The nurse brings a ready made bottle to her lips and begins feeding her. As the bottle reaches Helena's lips she begins sucking. Her cheeks hollowing as she sucks. The sound of her drinking is immensely cute. I take her back from the nurse and begin holding the bottle for her.

I can't help but think of how Tori will feel knowing Helena's first drink in life was formula. The woman was crazy about feeding Helena. She had always been talking about breast feeding.

I came home from work to find her online looking for breast pumps.

"What is this something to make your boobs bigger?" I asked somewhat joking.

"Breast." She corrects, "And no it's to get the milk from my breast to feed our baby."

I give her a kiss to her cheek before walking towards the kitchen, "Well if that the case you can get whatever you want babe."

She shouts back, "I know, that's why I got one!"

I return to the chair in the nursery and focus in on her. She's so beautiful just like her mother. Everything about her reminds me of Tori. I recall when Tori and I had a talk about what she might look like.

The record playing in the background as I rubbed her belly with olive oil. Something she told me I had to do so she wouldn't get stretch marks. Just as I rubbed on the side of her belly I felt our little baby move under the touch of my hand.

"Hi baby girl. I know you're in there listening so give me a hint. What do you look like?"

Tori laughs, "Yeah kick if you look like mommy and hiccup if you look like daddy."

"Oh yeah make mine the harder one." I say sarcastically.

"I wouldn't mind if she looked like you but in a much more girly way. But I'd love it even more if she looked like me."

"I agree. If she could have your beautiful face, she would be a pretty lucky girl. She's already pretty lucky to have you as a mommy."

She sits up and gives me a kiss before falling back on the pillows. "I'm pretty lucky to have you as my daddy." She raises her brows and I laugh hovering over her. "Alright that's what I like to hear." I kiss her, her lips playing with mine and her doing a light tug on my lips.

My eyes sting from the memory and I refocus on holding Helena's bottle. Not long after finishing the bottle she falls back asleep. I call our family seeing as how it's now morning. I call each one telling them what happened. They each informed me they'd be returning after breakfast. It occurs to me I haven't eaten since yesterday but still I feel too sick to even consider eating.

After ending the call I search for a nurse or doctor who may know something.

"My wife is in surgery it's been about an hour now..."

"What's your wife's name?"

"Tori Horan." I say anxious to hear something new.

"Still in surgery. I can try to reach someone for some news.But you will still have to wait --"

"Please, I just need to know something."

"Of course...just a moment sir." The woman gets up from the table and picks up a phone further from where I am. She looks over at me and begins to smile.

"There wasn't a pickup so they may still be working. Just have faith sir."

With that I walked away and began to fight back my verge of tears. Pacing in the room again Helena begins to cry. Another heart wrenching cry. I look around and lift her up only to see black something coming up her back.

"Oh god....what's wrong? Someone?!" I call and the nurse from before runs over.

"What's the problem? Is something wrong?"

"She has this black stuff up her back. I don't know where it came from I just---I wasn't looking and I was just--"

She laughs the worry no longer on her features, "This is perfectly normal. It's just feces, it won't look like this all the time just this once but when the baby comes out it has to let all that which the baby had consumed while in the uterus. It's usually black and sticky."

"Oh okay..." She began to change her when my in laws came in. My mom hugs me, "They told us we could find you here."

"I don't really want to be anywhere else." Except maybe next to Tori. I give each of them hugs before returning my attention to the now clean diaper baby. The nurse puts her in another gown before handing her to me.

"All done, just remember to change her diaper often. She had been sitting in urine for some time before she pooped. Which may be the reason it got all over."

"Okay thank you." I say truly appreciative. I wish Tori was here she would be telling me what to do. And probably laughing at me for freaking out over poop.

I hand her to my mother first, "This is Helena Victoria Horan." Both of our mom's ahh in harmony. Each admiring her beauty. Tori's father is quick to say, "She looks like my Tori. Ha, beautiful like my Tori."

Her mom agrees, "Tori sure looked just like this as a baby."

I smile thinking of Tori as a baby when the doctors come in. Two of them, come into the room walking towards me in a manner I wasn't comfortable with.

"Are you Mr. Horan?"

"I am...is my wife okay?"

"She did not make it. Due to the internal bleeding we hadn't been able to locate the source. And by the time we were able to find it, it was too late. We are terribly sorry for your loss."

I cry. The tears I had been forced to hold for so long have been released in full affect. I am not able to contain myself when her parents hug me.

Her father saying, "Son....there was nothing you could have done."

Her mother crying along with me holding me so tight yet I can barely feel it. She then goes to her husband and my mother handing Helena off to my father hugs me.

"You have to be strong for Helena, Niall."

"I want to see her." I say to the doctors still in the room. Through my tears I follow behind the doctor to the room. They hold the door for me and I enter to see her laying on a silver bed covered completely. I pull back the sheet and her lifeless body lies still. Her body stapled from under her neck, between her breast up to her naval.

In a harsh rush the tears become stronger. I heave and look at her once more resting my head against hers. I can feel the vacancy as my head pressing against hers.

"Tori I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry." Unsure of why I'm apologizing I look back at the doctor that is still with me.

"This is your fault you told me she was okay! She wasn't okay, you are the reason she's dead!" I yell at the doctor. "You murdered my wife!" He apologizes once again shame ridden on his face. I look back at my wife, thinking of the girl that had also been injured. I begin to feel the hatred in my heart and mind.

I leave a kiss to her forehead and to her lips crying, tears running down my nose and cheeks.

I whisper to her, "I love you, Tori."