Ruined

ten

She lies in the bed her face not facing the entryway. I carry our daughter her small frame in my hands. Her light breathing; the slightest movement from her inhaling and exhaling. The slightest sharp intake makes a sound escape her. But again her breathing returns to the usual in and out. I walk further into the room going around the bed to see her.

"Tor?"

"Niall I---"

"No no no...look babe."

She shifts in the bed before looking up at me. She slowly rises from her position and her eyes fill to the brim with tears.

"Thats her?" Her chin quivers and she tries hard to keep from crying.

"Yeah this is her, babe she looks just like you." I sit on the bed bringing her close to her. She looks at her and the tears begin to fall. She sits up in bed and out stretches her arms. I give her to her and Tori cries even harder.

"Hi....I'm your mommy."  She looks at me and drops her head, "Niall I'm sorry I shut down I just--"

"It's okay that's okay. You're upset and you have so much going on. But babe none of that matters now. All that matters is her, that she's okay and that you get better." I smile down at her looking at both my girls.

Tori's fingers adjust the blanket wrapped around her. Tori places a kiss to her little lips and quickly wipes the tears streaming her own cheeks. She kisses her again and I finally take a seat putting my shirt back on. I watch them in silence and slowly my wife returns to me. Slowly she begins to look like the Tori I love. Until one of the doctors comes back into the room.

"Hi I'm just here to check on you. How do you feel?"

"I still can't feel my legs." She says the worry lines returning. The crease in her forehead deepening. She isn't even looking at her she's too far caught up in her legs.

"Still?" The idiot young doctor says making her worry even more.

"I don't think you should--" I try interject. Tori speaks on top of me with her questions of what do you think is wrong? Is something wrong? I intervene again before we all delve into something I'm not yet ready to delve into. The doctor looks at me and then back at Tori. "How about you give us time to pick a name?" I suggest.

"Okay, I will be back."

Tori nods not saying anything else. She looks at our baby and looks up at me. "You didn't have to do that." She snaps at me.

"I know."

"Next time he comes...you can leave the room. I don't need to be babied. Not right now...I can't feel my legs. I still feel like shit and I just know something is wrong. I can feel it. I need to be able to make my own choices so..." she snaps again.

"Okay let's not do this right now. Like I said let's pick a name for her."

The way Tori mentioned having a feeling threw me. Tori isn't usually wrong about her feelings. But I've always been a sceptic where Tori's worrying was concerned. But for some reason, because she is saying it, I can't help but think what if something really is wrong?

She sits there quietly us both looking at our baby girl in her hands. She smiles for just a moment and finally says.

"Helena. She looks like a Helena."

I smile in return that's it. "Helena Victoria Horan." She nods her head looking at our baby girl once more.

"Hello Helena." She whispers to her. "I already love her...." she kisses her lips and clears her thrust before leaning back into her pillow. I keep my eye on her and Helena. I nod in a agreement because I'm in love as well. Both of my girls are the love of my life.

"She does look like m--" She begins to choke. I grab Helena from her hands and lie her on the foot of the bed. I grab the nearest bin and watch as she coughs up blood. I hit the buttons on her bed and scream for help.

"You're going to be okay baby. You're going to be okay." I say rubbing her hair as she continues her choking. I grab Helena as the doctors rush in. The blood gushes and it's almost as if she's vomiting blood.

She looks at me and says nothing. I look at her face and blow a kiss as they usher me out the room.

"I love you!" I shout.

She cries into the bin and the door shuts. I begin to pace in the hall as the doctors rush around me. Whispering and yelling simultaneously. I try to focus on something other than what I just witnessed. But how can I? I feared for her all day and now I'll be fearing even more.

I look down at Helena, her beautiful blue eyes, her cute button nose, and her tiny fingers she keeps on her face. How can I take care of her? Helena will need her mom, Tori has to be okay. I shouldn't even be thinking such thoughts. Of course Tori will be okay, the doctor said she was okay.

I take Helena into the nursery once again and I sit on the chair they have inside. I hold her rocking her back and forth. Back and forth, my eyes burn to be closed but my mind does not allow myself to rest. All these memories I've had today. The fear, annoyance, and excitement of my day still weighing on me. My job and all the bills discreetly slipping into the back of my mind. Most of all my girls. My daughter coming into this world so early I wonder if this will affect her in any way. And the absolute love of my life. I'm not even sure where to begin. I don't know if she's okay or if she'll be okay. After seeing her bleed, I feel her condition is much worse than they lead me on to believe.