𝐒𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 [ˢᵘᵖᵉʳⁿᵃᵗᵘʳᵃˡ]✔

chapter twenty - five

Monica ran a hand through her hair. Everything was breaking  like glass, cracks webbing across the surface.
"What do you remember before you went back?"Castiel asked. Monica focused on the ground.
"My sister was alive...with Liam.....they're not here are they?" she said finally looking at him. He shook his head, a mixed impression on his face. She sucked in air after a minute, trying to keep breathing regularly.

"So they're dead. All of them"she stated. Castiel didn't say anything to back up what she said, hut he also didn't dismiss it either. Monica closed her eyes for a moment moving past him.
"Thank you for telling me.....I'm never doing it again, even though....... I just wanted to - does it matter? They're dead anyways"she said before entering the house.

She was halfway up the stairs when Sam called her.
"Monica! ?... Where are you going?"he asked looking up at her from the bottom of the staircase. She turned slowly to him and forced the tears back, digging her nails into her palms.
"I know...you got the phoenix ashes. I'm gonna go up and rest, I'm kinda wiped out after time travelling"she said, trying to sound light hearted. Her voice only came choked and on the verge of tears.

Sam frowned and walked up to stand in front of her, putting a hand in hers.
"Are you okay? You've been quiet recently. Dean said you were acting weird earlier on" Sam said. Monica tried to form the right words ti tell him but they didn't appear.
"I'm fine"she mumbled, letting go of his hand. Not looking back, she entered her room and closed the door before sliding down to the floor.

Her chest rose and fell rapidly as the tears fell quickly. She tried to stay quiet only to let out a sob. Everything felt painful, closing up her throat, churning her insides and crushing her skull. She puled her knees up to her and sobbed, her hair falling in the way and sticking to tear stained cheeks. Her body shook with sobs, her throat rough from crying and eyes puffy.

Monica wiped her eyes and looked at the wall across the room. The pale wallpaper was faded and musty smelling. It was cosy yet she felt like a prisoner. It was one cell after another, never free. She had no idea why she felt like this when downstairs was Sam, Dean, Bobby and Castiel. They all cared for her and her for them. Only they'd never be her mum, her dad, Robbie or Amber.  Every memory, every picture or story was a reminder that it was her fault she couldn't protect them.

She stood up and went to her dressing table. Grabbing the photo frame of her and Amber as kids, she threw it at the wall. Her hands shook with anger as she took the mirror off the wall and hurled it at her bed, screaming at nothing and everything.  She used her knife and cut open her pillows, anything that could be broken she wrecked it.

Finally she stopped, looking at the destruction around her. There was glass, wood and feathers all around, water from the vase of flowers Sam had given her mixed with the crumpled petals. She breathed out deeply and sat carefully on the edge of her bare bed. She expected it to go away, the gnawing feeling inside of her, but it stayed the same. Slowly, she leant against the foot of the bed and closed her eyes, shutting it all out.

When she woke up Sam was packing a bag. She sat up and rubbed her eyes.
"How you feeling?"he asked, sitting next to her. She didn't say anything just wrapped her arms around him.  He pulled her into a tight hug as she closed her eyes.
"I don't know...it just-how do you do it?" she asked sitting up and wiping her eyes. He stroked some hair from her face gently.
"What do you mean?" he asked softly, touching her knee. She tucked some hair behind her ear.
"Know that your parents are dead" she said. He looked up at her, quickly hiding the hurt in his eyes before sighing.

"I never really knew my mom, but....it feels like there's this gap, I guess. She never saw me go to Stanford, Dad never saw Dean stop Lucifer and me....it's more that I miss the moments I can't share with them" he said slowly, looking out the window. She nodded and exhaled slowly, as if letting some of the pain slip away.