Bear journals

-After-

Dear Ellie,

I know. 

I know it's been a year since I left you crying in the middle of the street begging me for forgiveness I couldn't give then. I know it's been a year since I've bled tears of hate and choked on my own pain. I know it's been a year since my world crumbled around me and I felt the fight leave me.

 I also know you haven't forgiven yourself.

And I want you to know this Ellie, I thought I hated you. I thought I despised you with every fiber of my being when the guards were bringing me to this wretched place. It was as plain as the day, I thought, you never took me to be worth your silence, so you weren't worth my anything. I must confess, I stuck true to that thought until very recently. 

You know, this place isn't half bad. It isn't anything like they show it in the movies —a dark and dingy hallway, rattling chains and the mad laughter. And no my dear, dear sister, I haven't gone cuckoo yet. The place is pretty neat actually. A clean bed, a good room, and edible food. What more can one ask for?

I have a roommate too. His name is Sean. We didn't get along very well in the beginning (understatement) but I think it's safe to say we can tolerate each other without having the constant need to punch the other's face in. I'm not too sure about the reason he's in here (the nurse says it's classified information), but I'm putting my money on him being bipolar. 

Anyway, like I was saying earlier, since I kept thinking I hated you and spent all my time thinking about how you'd betrayed me, I forgot about you. In my anger, I'd painted you to be a cruel, selfish and a hurtful person who deserved all the pain in the world. I was angry Ellie. I was angry at myself for telling you, angry at dad for hiding things, angry at mom for saying nothing as I was taken away and, of course, angry at you for shattering me completely, for being the one to pour oil all over the already hot fire.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for ever thinking you to be the person of nightmares. I'm sorry for waking up screaming your name in the middle of the night after witnessing you burn me to ashes. I'm sorry.

You see, the time between leaving home and coming here made me forget you and your quirks. I forgot how you laughed until the tears came to your eyes, forgot how you hugged me as your sobs wreaked havoc through your body and seeped into my shirt. I forgot everything that made you, Ellie, my sister.

So the real reason I wrote this letter was not to tell you about Sean or the asylum. It was to tell you the three words that help me go through every day with a smile. They are now my chant, my motto and they are what keep me going.

I still love you, you little idiot. I never stopped. I can't stop loving you, not because you're my sister but because you're what makes me, me. If I ever had a chance to go back in time and undo one thing in life, it would be pushing you away.

I know you're broken El. I know hurting me was something you never wanted to do and I've forgiven you a long time ago. I don't think I ever really blamed you. I thought I did, but it's impossible to hate someone you've loved for so long.

So I want you to do me a favor. I want you to forgive yourself. I want you to stop hurting yourself and blaming yourself for everything that's happened. Can you do this much for the lame brother who'd always mess your hair up right before school? No? Oh well, how about for the brother who jumped into the pool on seeing the large toad in your hand?

There it is. Just keep that smile on your face and we'll be fine. I love you, El, and I regret not saying this earlier. I want to bridge this gap between us so there's no trace of the distance, but I can't do it alone. Like Lily used to say, it's never too late for anything.

Lots of love,

Marcus

PS: Mum visited me the other day. And I hope I'm not jinxing it by saying this but, there's a possibility of me getting out of this place. 

[Editor Note: This is an additional chapter sent by reliable sources to the company and was added to the book upon its arrival. However, the first edition of the novel does not contain this chapter as it was printed before the above mentioned letter was received. Certain words were blurred with what appear to be tear droplets and have now been substituted with their alternatives.]

-------

Author note:

Bear Journals has a been a wild ride. As the editor note suggests, this is an additional chapter that was sent after the book was published, i.e it was an idea that hit me after the completion of the book. Your comments make my day, and this chapter is dedicated to all the readers who've supported me through this journey. Thanks a lot!

~annagems