Bear journals

2 9 J u l y 2 0 0 9

Journal: Page Cuatro

29 july 2009 7:09 pm

Dining room

I dreamt of him today.

I saw him strolling through the school corridors with a lazy smile stretched across his face. I witnessed him crashing into the girl. The girl he'd deemed pretty.

He helped her up and tried to act nonchalant while in reality, his heart had come to his throat. The girl twirled a little strand of her hair and bit her lip when he said something to her. She was oblivious to his thoughts. The boy rubbed his neck awkwardly and asked for her name. She smiled, mumbled out the words and continued walking. This time with a skip in her step.

I knew what happened after that too.

I knew the boy would later befriend the girl. They would go for ice cream. He would crack a joke making her break into helpless giggles. And as the day came to a closure, he would finally gather enough courage to ask her out on a date.

I knew what happened to him because I had been that boy. That had been my story. Lilly had been the girl's name and Marcus the boy's.

I dreamt of my past self.

The dream was simply the start. The true onslaught began after I awoke.

It's pretty ironic how everyone's true feelings come out to play in the open only when no one's listening. I learnt it the hard way.

Ellie invited a few of her friends over today. I assume it was to celebrate Marcus getting better. No, not Marcus getting better. Me getting better.

[Line added by author on 26 May]

As the days go by it's getting harder and harder to connect to the Marcus in the hospital.

I was still trying to get the dream out of my head when I heard my name being spoken. Ellie had just left the room to get juice for the 'guests' when a dark haired girl spoke up.

"It's funny how Ellie is throwing this party for her brother. Does she honestly think he'll wake up from his state? "

The comment seemed to break the other girls walls down and they launched into their own views on the subject.

A subject of gossip. That's what I had become.

"Exactly Liv! I mean, I get it. She loves her brother but she needs to stop being in denial. That'll only hurt her later."

"I don't even think he was a brother figure to her. I never saw him around anyway."

"What was his name? Marcus, was it? "

I simply stayed in the corner, frozen in shock. This is what people actually thought. That I wasn't important. Wasn't worthy.

What had I done to deserve this?

Why me?

For once I was glad Ellie wasn't here. She already had a lot on her plate. There wasn't a need to increase her suffering.

But a small part of me was annoyed at her. Annoyed with her for lifting my hopes up.

One moment I'm filled with hope and the next, I feel like hope is the worst thing I can have.

After they left Ellie busied herself with cleaning the room and talking to mom.

The only reason I'm even writing this and not wallowing in my sorrow is because of the words that wafted upwards as their conversation flowed.

"He'll survive. I have faith in him."

As long as my people had faith in me I would survive. I was sure of that.

[Note added by author]

Dependence.

That'll be my downfall someday.