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21. What You're Not Saying - Pt. 1 [B.A]

"I know."

"And he doesn't know."

- - -

After you were safely in surgery, Barry speeded out of his suit and into his regular clothes to wait for Cisco and Caitlin. His mind was racing, worrying for you. Caitlin promised the surgery would be simple and that you'd be well after it, but he still couldn't shake the image of seeing you in so much pain. Again.

"Barry?"

Barry looked up to see Cisco and Caitlin racing towards him. "Guys," he sighed in relief, standing up. "She's already in surgery. They said she should be fine."

"You don't look so fine," Cisco noted, crossing his arms. He was trying to read Barry, knowing there was something off.

"I just watched a girl who's basically my sister pass out from an immense of pain," Barry answered, furrowing his eyebrows. "I- I've watched this girl nearly die too many times, Cisco. I don't know what to do." He collapsed back in the waiting room chair. He looked like a mess. His hair was windswept, his face pale, his eyes red and watery.

"She's going to be okay," Caitlin whispered, "I promise you, Barry. You just saved her life by getting her here so quickly." She sat down next to Barry, laying a reassuring hand on his arm.

"But yet I'm the one who keeps putting her in danger," Barry mumbled back.

"This had nothing to do with you," Cisco said, sitting on the other side of Barry. "Y/N just got really, really sick."

Barry didn't say anything. What was there to say? Every day in had to live in fear thinking that the last time he saw you would be the last. And what if that last he didn't see he loved you? He didn't hug you? He didn't tell you how much you meant to him?

"I'm going to go call Joe and Iris," Caitlin sighed, "They're going to want to know she's in the hospital." Barry winced at the words. He knew that this time it wasn't his fault, but he also knew that it was a matter of time before you ended up here. Caitlin got up and walked away, pulling out her cell phone.

"I can't keep doing this," Barry sighed, leaning back.

"What do you mean?" Cisco asked.

Barry looked over at his friend, showing off more exhaustion than Cisco knew possible for Barry. "I need you to fire her," Barry choked out quietly.

Cisco immediately frowned, tilting his head at Barry. "I won't fire her. She's a genius. And one of our best friends."

"Cisco...." Barry sighed. "She's constantly put in danger because of us, because of me." He pointed at himself accusingly, his eyes becoming more tired with every word he spoke.

"She knew that when she joined our team," Cisco countered, "And Y/N's strong, Barry. We all know that."

"She's been kidnapped twice, she's broken many bones, she's been stuck in crossfire more than once, and she wakes up almost every night from nightmares just in these past six months," Barry snapped, "And she's only twenty years old! And now this - her becoming deathly ill - that's just... too much." Cisco watched his friend, feeling sadness overcome him. The team had been through a lot these past two years, but he didn't quite realize that you had been through a lifetime's worth in just six months.

"She has nightmares?" Cisco asked quietly. He could relate to that.

"She usually calls me when she can't sleep," Barry explained with a tired sigh.

"And she's still going," Cisco admired, looking at his shoes. "She's amazing."

"Yes," Barry answered quietly.

"I'm still not going to fire her," Cisco huffed. "It's her choice, Barry. Besides, I don't think firing her would ease your fears."

Barry looked over at him, confusion in his eyes. "Why not? She wouldn't be a target anymore," Barry shook his head, "She could move away, back to her family's city. Finish college without fear that nobody should have to face."

"Sending her away wouldn't help you," Cisco rolled his eyes.

"Me?" Barry asked.

"Sending her away isn't really want you want," Cisco clarified, raising his eyebrows.

"What does that mean?" Barry questioned, getting annoyed with whatever game Cisco was playing.

"You're worried about what could happen to her," Cisco said, "Every single day everyone knows you're worrying about Y/N. Think about why you're worried about her so much. Why are you always with her, Barry? Why do you always talk about her? Why?"

"Because she's my friend. Because she's accident prone. Because she means a lot to me," Barry went on, still not understanding where Cisco was going with this.

"Barry... I think there's something you need to admit to her. And yourself." Cisco said.

Caitlin walked over now before Barry could answer. Barry's thoughtful expression caused Caitlin to glance at Cisco, who smiled. "Y/N means a lot to Barry," Cisco sighed, looking at Caitlin.

"She means a lot to all of us," Caitlin nodded slowly.

"But in this unfortunate event where Y/N has just gone through a traumatic time, it's caused all of us to go through traumatic times," Cisco continued. "And you know what trauma does? It makes us think. It makes us consider things. It makes us wonder why these people around us mean so much to us."

Caitlin's eyes lit up at Cisco's words, and she nodded quickly this time. "You're right, Cisco," Caitlin answered, "And I see Barry's... thinking."

"You guys are making no sense right now," Barry groaned.

"Just think about it," Cisco said. "Think about what you're not saying."

"What I'm not saying?" Barry squeezed his eyes shut for a second, done with Cisco's games. The best thing for you was to move away. Barry couldn't worry about you putting your life at risk for just him, just a friend, every day of your life. For Barry's
sake, he needed you to move on.

"Do you guys want coffee?" Caitlin asked, changing the subject.

"Yes," Cisco said, jumping out of his seat. "Let's go."

"I'm good," Barry shook his head, "I want to be here when she gets out."

Caitlin rested a hand on Barry's shoulder, "She's going to be fine, Barry. She's very lucky to have such a sweet guy always looking out for her. We'll bring you back a cup."

Barry wore a weak smile as a thank you to Caitlin. She dropped her hand and turned away, Cisco following behind.

• • • • •

author's note | hello, everyone! this is part 1 of part 2. i hope everyone is doing well!

n crying barry makes me so sad omg