I Didn't Know- A Kristen Stewart Story

Meeting My Daughter

Kpov

the nurse came in and came over to me

"you ready to go see your baby?"

"yes...definitely"

She helped me in the wheelchair. The ride seemed to take forever and I got more nervous and guilty. I couldn't help but think this was my fault and if she would live. I don't know the extent of her health but I was soon to find out. and wasn't sure I could handle it. we finally reached the NICU, she had her own room. We scrubbed up and headed into her room. I could see her frail frame in the isolate. She was covered in wires, the only ones I knew was the breathing tube that was going into her throat and the pulse ox. she was wriggling around in there and you could tell she was trying to cry but because of the breathing tube she couldn't. my mom helped me slowly stand up when we reached her side. I laid my hand on the isolate holding back the tears, I looked at the nurse who nodded letting me know it was ok to touch her. I reached my hand into the hole stroking her hand and started talking to her. "Hi, gorgeous...it's ok sweetheart, don't cry. mommy's here" I whispered to her. the tears that were threatening to erupt came out. she turned her head towards me and as soon as she saw me she calmed down. she wrapped her hand around my finger. all I could do was smile and cry.

The doctor came in a few minutes later.

"Good morning, I'm doctor Hanilitus and I will be in charge of your daughter's care while she is here. I take it you are the mother?" he said looking at me

I smiled. "yes."

"Your baby was presented to us with Premature Apnea and bradycardia. I know that you are not a doctor so I will explain it further. basically, the apnea is caused by underdeveloped lungs which were caused by the prematurity. the Bradycardia goes along with the Apnea it's low heart rate that goes along with the apnea. some cases have that and some cases don't. Also, your baby has a low birth weight which is not uncommon for preemies. we will be feeding her every 4 hours or sooner if needed via the NG feeding tube you see in her nose. when she gets off the breathing tube we will have you try and bottle feed her."

"any estimate as to how long she will be on the breathing tube?"

"well, it really depends on her numbers and determination. she's a fighter thats for sure."

"if she's stubborn anything like her mother. it won't be long." my mom giggled and I couldn't help but giggle also.

"These next few days are critical. she's not out of the woods yet."

"I understand..."

"Would you like to do kangaroo care with her?"

"Um, im sorry what is that? I'm new to these terms."

the doctor giggled. "sorry, i should have explained more. basically, you sit in the chair and we lay her on your chest skin to skin. it helps with bonding, breathing, temperature, sleep and a lot of other aspects."

"I wanna do it. we both need it."

"Ok, i will get the nurse. if you want to slide your gown down to midway down your breast. and get comfortable in the chair."

yeah, sounds good. I gently pulled out of my daughter's grip and settled in the large oversized chair they had in here. I pulled my gown down. My mom already had her phone out wanting to record me holding my daughter for the first time. I just giggled but was glad she was. the nurse came in and checked some of her machines and rearranged cords. she opened the isolate carefully picking my little girl up. I watched as my baby shivered at the sensation of being picked up and I couldn't help but giggle. The nurse brought her over to me laying her against my chest. she calmed right down and snuggled more into me. I put my hand on her back. the nurse checked her numbers and then left us alone. I kissed the top of her head, I couldn't help my eyes that were filling with tears. my mom came over and put her hand on my back as a few more tears escaped from my eyes.."she's beautiful" I whispered

"Just like you." my mom said.

I reached my free hand up taking my mom's hand that was on my shoulder. "This is all so...crazy. I mean, I'm a mom now. it's scary to think." I whispered

"Yes, it is. you're going to be a great one, though."

"Thank you. that means alot.......how can you love somebody so much that you just met?"

"It's amazing isn't it."

"Yes.I can't wait for Rob to meet her."

"Me either. See the look on his face."

"No kidding" I giggled.

"You know what's crazy Kristen?"

"Besides the fact that I had a baby that I didn't know I was carrying." I giggled.

"True but thats not what I was going to say. I was going to say its crazy how she knows exactly who you are. She knows her mommas with her."

"Yeah, i guess I didn't think about that."

"see how she calmed down when you started talking to her.

She knows who are you and feels safe with you."

I couldn't help but tear up..."yeah...I wonder how that is."

"Because she's used to you. Whether you feel like it or not. You protected her in there. She recognizes your scent. Your voice. All the small details. Thats how she knew who you were."

"Yeah thats crazy to think"

"Yes it is..trust me you're going to have a mommy's girl."

"I like the sound of that."

She giggled. "Yep..you know I'm proud of you Kristen. Most people in your position resent their babies. Don't want anything to do with them. And even choose adoption. But you, you jumped into this."

"Just because I didn't know I was carrying her doesn't mean I don't love her. I already love her so much and I could never resent her...thats just not humanly possible for me." I said as my eyes filled with tears.