Suicide

Fell My Heartbeat

One Year Later

My phone was ringing...that's odd. I never get phone calls anymore. At first, I thought that it would probably be some annoying advertisement or one of my programming friends calling me with their recent boring and uncreative ideas that I had no interest in. God...nothing excites me anymore... 

I decided that since I had nothing better to do with this wasted time that I would just answer no matter who it was. 

I walked over to my bed and looked down at the name as it kept buzzing. Crap. It was her. What the hell does she want? Ugh...I did say I'd answer it...what the heck right? It can't be too bad... I tapped answer and slowly put the phone to my ear...listening. I wanted to hear this. 

The other line was silent for about 2 seconds and then I heard her annoying voice belt through the perfect silence. "HELLO??" she asked with a tone of urgency in her voice. 

I paused...should I really respond? Well, it's too late now, I freakin' answered the phone already. 

"...uh...yeah?"  

"...you might not really care about what I have to say, but I thought it would be important to tell you anyways..." she said fast. It sounded like something that was going to important...well to her...to me...I wasn't quite sure...I knew who it was gonna be about...my ex. 

For whom else would she have to talk about with me? The only person she would ever need to call me about...her. I decided on something smart alec to say... "This better be good...look...I'm super busy right now so I don't have time for all your..." 

"Shut up for a second and freakin' let me explain! I know, whether you admit it or not, that you're gonna be interested in this..." it got really quiet and I slowly sat on the bed and inhaled a lot of air...what the hell could she possibly be trying to tell me? What was this all about? A pathetic excuse to get me to talk to my ex again huh? Well, its not going to work I decided to myself. I sighed and closed my eyes...I just...couldn't take it anymore...it was better this way...or so I believed it would. 

Besides, she probably hated me anyway...she probably has my pictures burned or deleted. All of our messages erased and my named forgotten. She probably scowls at my name or any thought that reminds of her me.........if she even thinks of me anymore....NO! Stop it! Stop! Stop it! I shook my head and looked out the window...I hated thinking that she never thought of me...because I was trying my hardest to forget her...but it didn't always work out of course...it's so hard to stop thinking about someone who meant so much to you...blarg... 

"Hello?" I heard her small voice again and snapped out of my moment arguing with myself.  

"yeah, what is it, hurry up with this, I..." she interrupted me... 

"She...she's...going to..." then she broke down into tears right there on the phone...I pulled the phone away from my ear for a second and stared at the computer screen...what does she mean? I closed my eyes and put the phone back to my mouth... "She's going to... what??" I asked calmly...this is such a pathetic and the worst acting ive ever heard of...I can lie so much better than... 

"...you have to find her..." she said through sobs...I opened my eyes. I wanted to know what the hell this was about...NOW.  

"I'm sick of putting up with your crap what the hell are you talking about? Spit it out you..." She interrupted me...I was about to hang up when the words she yelled echoed through my head...and soon would echo in my ears for the next few hours... 

"She's probably gonna kill herself." My eyes grew wide...my heart, I swear, stopped pounding with its intense fury that it had been the second before...it just stopped...everything went dead quiet...she was even quiet...I opened my mouth and it just hung there, because I couldn't speak. My mouth went dry, hands went wet, face broke a sweat, and heart pounding furiously like a horses feet pounding the dirt in a race. What do I say? How do I respond? The first thing that crossed my eyes were her eyes...her eyes flashed in my mind...I closed my eyes and I could she her smiling and laughing...always happy. But then I see them slowly close and her face in pain and she's dying...I see an epiphany...she's dying in my arms and telling me she's sorry...I tell her please don't be. She doesn't listen to me...she says I love you, goodbye forever...and I tell her please don't die, I love you too. But she shakes her head as she dies and says, you didn't. I shake my head to clear it away... 

"Hello?" my heart is pounding and my breath is getting deeper and I'm speechless staring out the window with eyes afraid...a tear trails down my face. I snap out of it all. 

"Listen!" I say fiercely into the phone. "Are you sure she is? Or is this a sick joke of yours?" my voice shakes...this is not real...it's a joke...just so they can laugh at me...she is probably laughing in the background as we speak. 

She speaks my real name and it bugs the crap out of me...I only liked it when she did that and now it reminds me of her...and I hate it. "...I wouldn't lie about something like this...she's is my best friend...and she means the world to me..." I pause and think about this. It's convincing...or at least it sounds convincing.  

"Why would she..." I began. 

"I DON'T KNOW! BUT YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN STOP HER...PLUS I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE HELL SHE IS!!!! GO FREAKIN FIND HER IF YOU TRULY CARE. YOU KNOW THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!" she broke down crying and then she hung up.  

Silence enveloped me...the phone was still in my hand...tears streaming down my face...her words echoing in my head "You know this is all your fault..." over and over and over and over... 

I put my hands on my head and leaned over toward the ground, fingers twisted into my hair and I let out a wail of frustration and sadness. I burst into tears and rocked back and forth. 

One minute later I grabbed my mom's car keys and I ran out the door to the car. I didn't have my license but it didn't really matter to me. I knew how to drive a car, I didn't know where I was going, but I was going to stop this. I couldn't stand myself anymore...I was tired of pretending. 

I drove down the highway and to the place that I used to go every day just the past year. I didn't truly miss going there...I only missed one thing...and if you don't know who I'm talking about by now then you shouldn't be continuing reading this story, because apparently you aren't paying attention.  

Thousand of millions of thoughts rushed through my head as I drove down the road. When I got to the school campus I noticed there was a gate that wasn't there last year. Oh great. How the hell am I supposed to get through the gate? It's summer and on a Saturday...so there is no one around at all. I park my car, jump out, and slam the door. I run up to the fence. I look it up and down and just grin. Piece of cake I know this will be. When you're a talk person like me who used to jump off their roof all the time for fun, this should be nothing. Then I remember cameras. I pray to God there are no cameras. And yes, I pray, for the few times I do in a week, I pray to God. The God I told her I believed in. The God I told I would stay true to. And I haven't...I haven't stayed true to anything...and right then and there I'm ashamed of myself and the person I've become. She has to have a reason behind all this...and I'm praying it's not me...especially if it's too late...no! Stop thinking like that. I pray for faith and for luck. 

I make it over the fence in less than a minute and I pause to think. If I was her, where would I kill myself to leave an impression on someone....someone like...me maybe? It hit me...  

I broke out in a run...and let's just say...I can run fast. I ran down the street passing the high school, science and technology building, library, and...the middle school. As I past it, I felt a strong pull on my heart, as I never have before. As if in slow motion, I past it...no one is around...it's like ghost town. 

My imagination takes place and I can see myself leaning against the wall talking to her. And she looks so happy and she's... 

Oh my God. The door to the Middle School is open...there is a hole in the glass and the door is propped open. That's right! 

I stand transfixed, staring at the door. The wind lazily moves my hair into my face. I bolt to the door and walk inside. 

I yell her name through the deserted building. My voice echoed into silence. It smells the same as it did. I remember it all perfectly. Now, it's as if I'm in some weird dream. Dreaming myself in my eighth grade self again...oh how I wish it could have been different. There were no lights on...everything was dark inside. I knew where she would be...I was almost absolutely positive. I ran up the stairs and my heart was beating so fast I was sweating and nervous. My eyes were wet and still spilling tears. I slowly turned the corner to the right as I reached the top. Yes, the door was cracked open just a crack. I took a deep breath and put my hand on the door and slowly pushed it open.