the little things.

maybe i love him.

So

Recently my favourite sassigrassi finally convinced me to read the Dominant Doctor series by DeanneAdams and wow

what an experience.

But anyway, after reading I had this idea, so if you haven't read The Doctor yet then don't read this, spoilers are ahead. I hope I wrote this well enough, and I hope you enjoy!

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The conclusion was not one I had come to easily, and as snuggly and strangely as it fit with my limited word bank of emotion it took me a great deal of time to come to terms with the phrase and even longer to figure out the correct way to place it. I knew my mother said it a quite deal, and even my father on his more emotional days, but something told me Mitch meant it in a different manner, one that came with a new set of rules and responsibilities and expectations. It was even more strange to be labeled as "boyfriends", to touch and kiss and hold his hand, and date night rules were still something I struggled with, but he was Mitch and he was my boy and he made sure I knew that he appreciated my efforts.

Contrary to what Ollie or Mitch may assume, it was also not Kevin who had helped me to this conclusion (although he was a great deal of assistance otherwise).

I always knew that he was different than my other subs; he was allowed a leniency I didn't even allow Eli, and for some matters Kevin, and originally I had wrote it off as Mitchell just being new to the lifestyle and requiring a bit more than others, but months later realized it is care, something I before had only heard from Kevin and Ollie and my mother and otherwise I thought would only be associated with the aftermath of sex when dealing with me. Care was a term hardly anyone used with me unless in regards to my autism and as disconcerting and unfamiliar as it was it was nice to care deeply for and about someone and be cared about in return.

It was only in the later months that I realize how deep an affect Mitch had on me and my life, and after the incident with Phil and my father's growing health concerns that I fear he may have gotten too attached; thinking about his death in passing made me feel a strange sense of emptiness that I couldn't quite place, and I decided that I could file it away for one of the few ways I could "love" him in return.

In passing thought, the cuffs may have been the biggest deciding factor. Getting the engravings hadn't been easy, and Jen appeared ready to murder me by the final designs, but the beautiful angel I could call mine was somehow worth my anxious and indecisive mind and although I knew they'd never be perfect I knew he'd be attached all the same.

Kevin and Ollie were both useful when organizing the proposal, and although the small speech I had planned was not filled with proclamations of love I hoped he'd enjoy and understand it anyway.

When Mitch turned them down I felt a new emotion I couldn't place and it had affected my world a new variable I hadn't considered in an equation with what looked like no answer. When my Pet later accepted them and the equation shifted I decided that maybe I loved him and maybe I could try in the few ways I knew how.

So, as you can see, telling him "I love you" that night was not to force him to stay, and later when I consider it I wonder if I was saying goodbye; he never got to hear the words and I felt sure enough to finally say them if this could be it. And later that night when I asked for a "goodbye kiss" I briefly wondered if that was me giving him my heart.

When he said no and drove away I wondered if that was him giving it back.