Mistake ♦ Romitri

Chapter 15

Trigger Warning: Suicidal

As I went to bed, it seemed to be getting clearer that I relied on alcohol. The headaches and sweating were getting to me, under my skin. My anxiety heightened and my mood-swings more prominent.

As soon as my back hit the small metal frame of the bed, I tossed and turned- inevitably not going to get any sleep. And even though the mattress was much more comfortable that the one at my old house, it didn't seem to calm my everlasting nerves.

There was something bugging me- I knew what it was but I wanted to deny it wholeheartedly. I was a burden, that was it. No matter how much I wanted to be with Dimitri, I couldn't, leaving me a burden on both our shoulders.

He took pity on me and I knew he would soon regret it. I had left a trail of mistakes, repeated over and over, behind me. My parents, they had always kept me from the edge and when they left, it was like I had been thrown over the edge, hanging on a single thread. 

Once again, I had been saved, revived- by him. I didn't care that it was wrong, that it was forbidden. That was how I knew I loved him, through everything, I never wanted to leave his side. I changed for him, tried to conceal myself, hiding the monsters that hid in my heart. It hurt. 

I felt so obliged to show him I was good to just fall in deeper into a deep hole of self-pity. That's all it was, pity. So many children lost their parents and they went on, whilst I...my whole life stopped. It was as if the clock had stopped and time stood still and from then on, the clock had never turned it's hands again. I was stuck in a vicious cycle that I couldn't escape. The clock just kept rolling back to the start.

Through all of it, I rewarded myself with his love when I deserved no love. I repeated it in my head. Loved, loved, loved. Past tense? Had I really convinced myself that a man who loved me could fall out of it so quickly? I was blinded and alone- I needed help, help I wouldn't take.

My pounding headache dragged me from my own bed and towards the kitchen, maybe to get a glass of water? At the time, I didn't even know- I just needed to clear my head.

I stumbled ungracefully towards the kitchen, balancing my body against the counter- my head in my hands. I felt the rush of vertigo every time I lifted my head, maybe this was the wrong decision.

The counter was cold to the touch but I welcome the unfamiliar sensation on my skin. It burned my numbed skin almost blocking the demons in my mind. I focused on it, letting it dissipate the rest of my aching body. 

I held my head up once again, inviting the vertigo in and grasped for some painkillers in the cupboard, anything to dull the pain. I grasped for the bottle, the balls of my feet withstanding the weight of my small frame.

The bottle finally fell into my hands and I clumsily caught it between my forearm and my bicep. Once my sense had returned to their usual state, I flipped open the lid and inside seemed to be at least fifty pills, maybe more. I was surprised but immediately took five in my hand and threw them down my throat. I choked slightly but impatiently swallowed until the taste left my mouth.

Within seconds, I felt the familiar feeling of a high. It wasn't like most highs but it was nonetheless something to take it all away. The pain in my head, my chest...my mind. It numbed my sense to the point of almost blissfulness. 

Curiously, I peered into Dimitri's door, peering through the small gap where it hadn't quite been shut yet. He doesn't love you, my own mind spat at me. I was jolted at the new voice- recognisable yet somewhat distant. He hates you, it spat again. I shook my head. Get out! I shouted silently.