Help our souls // bws

So close to being home free

Done. The time we had for our last exam was over. I went through those three weeks of exams in one piece. Certainly, I didn't feel fine these last weeks but the stress vanishing, finding its way out of my brain and my body felt good. My muscles unwound and a sight of relief escaped from my mouth. No more school for quite a long time, if I actually decided to go the this clinic. I shook my head. I didn't want to think too much about it. My appointment with the doctor approached and I felt more nervous than ever. My usual headache reared its head. With the exam session finished, I'd have more time to think about it, which didn't please me. Revising took all my free time and got almost everything out of my head for a while, Bradley, my hallucinations, the question of the clinic, everything. Also, Gregor looked very ill and tired last time I saw him at the shop, which worried me a lot. I'd go visit him today, or tomorrow, see how he was doing. Working there should help me getting things out of my head for a while. Bradley, a few rows in front of me, stood up. Immediately, I gathered my pens and ran after him, again. Was this becoming a new habit ? Hearing my loud footsteps behind him, he turned around and widened his eyes. "Hey." I panted.

"Hey. How did your exams go ?" I straightened up and looked at him in the eyes. God, I missed seeing them. I missed him, I really did. His eyes were red and tired, not as alive as they were before. I wished I never hurt him. The more time filled, the more memories came back as they truly were, without this haze that hid my detestable behaviour. All the times I didn't pick up his sad looks, his comments, his strange behaviour. They should've set me on the way, I should've seen that I became destructive to him and to our relationship. It seemed so odd at first, but after I told him to leave, it took me only seconds to see that we weren't fine at all, that we were shattering. I did put those hints aside and blindly acting like everything worked well between us. I realized that those strange things people can do when they're in a relationship that's not good and that you find weird when you're single could happen to you and seemed less odd, all of sudden. People wouldn't understand how I couldn't see myself destroying something, someone I loved. It was inimaginable, after all. But it occurred.

"I don't know, we'll see. I suppose yours went well ?" I expected some sassy remarks, but I guessed he didn't want to be funny around me. He probably didn't even want to talk to me. I'd understand, partly.

"Pretty much, yeah." I nodded several times, murmuring that it was good. An awkward silent made my heart ached. "I should go now, bye--"

"Wait, I've got to tell you something important." I thought about this speech for days, I wrote it, remixed it, learned it by heart, I knew what I had to say. I knew I wanted to tell him how much I loved him and how sorry I was, how things could go well again. But nothing went out in order, nothing I planned to say went out at all, to be honest. I realized that I didn't need thousand of words to say what I had to say. I realized what I should've said a long time ago. A shook travelled my body. "I really loved you and because of that, I made a stupid and massive mistake." I dragged the following words out of my mouth with great difficulties, in a low voice. "I thought you were my saviour, I thought that you could fix me, but I was wrong, I was so wrong. It's up to me. Only I can fix me." I quoted from a movie, "Actually, I made a second mistake and it was hurting you. I don't think I deserve you yet but I want to try. I have an appointment with a doctor from that clinic the day after tomorrow. Of course, I'd like you to come, but I'd understand if you didn't want to. We're leaving at three in the afternoon, I think, just to let you know." He was frowning and the silent he stayed in made me understand that he didn't know what to do, what to say. Though, he became an unreadable book. After all these months, it felt like day one, confusing and frustrating. I wished I knew. After all these moments I spent staring at him, observing him and learning how to figure him out, everything seemed to disappear slowly. "Even if you don't come, I won't lose hope, hope that you would still be waiting for me, that you won't scrap me. I surely won't ever forget about you, Bradley. Never. I'm sure that when I fixed myself, we can restart where we left our relation. I won't be toxic anymore. I won't hurt you anymore. I will love you, always and forever." I cracked a smile to hide the stream of sadness, regrets and melancholia. "Bye, Brad." I turned around and brought my hand to my mouth to deaden a sob. I suddenly felt as if it was a farewell. I wished I kissed him, hugged him, felt his warmth against me, heard his voice, his laughter, saw his smile. I wished I heard him saying that he loved me back. As I walked out of the school, a cold breeze hit my face with a certain and unusual strength, attacking my eyes and making them weep like they never did before.