Help our souls // bws

Black tears

"Clary, did you forget ? It was her birthday today."

"Oh." Ash and my mum probably just saw my face being deformed, moving from unconditionally happiness to extreme sorrow. I forgot it. I forgot her. How could I forget something that important ? I was the worse. My heart was breaking, as every year on that day. I was not going to cry though. I was a big girl now, I could handle things. I needed to do this on my own. 

"Clary, do you want to join us this year ? It's okay if you don't want to though." Ash asked, taking my hands. 

"No. No, I'll go, I need to go. Just... just give me some time alone with her, would you ?" 

"Yeah, of course sweetie. We will go after, you go first. We're here." Ash let go my hands and I went out of the house. I was walking fast, heading towards the cemetery.

After a while, I finally got to her grave.

Gabriela Grey. 1990-2006. Beloved daughter, sister and friend. We will miss you.

"Hey, Gabriela" I sighed. I hadn't said her name in ages. It hurt too much to say it. "It has been a long time, uh ?" I stayed silent for a while, I was like waiting for an answer that would never come. "I am sorry. I just couldn't come. To see your name on this grave was way too hard for me. It would have brought back all the memories we'd shared, all the happiness I felt when we were together. I would have brought all kind of things but not you. I thought that if I didn't come here, you would somehow still be alive, that coming here would make me admit that you would never come back. And you won't. You won't wake me up in the morning anymore, you won't make the breakfast anymore, you won't take me to school anymore, you won't teach me the piano anymore, you won't love me anymore. But I still do love you. And I will always. That is probably the only thing I won't forget to do." My legs were shaking, I felt like I couldn't stand on my feet no more so I sat on the ground, next to her grave. I thought I was going to have some trouble with my breathe again, but oddly, I didn't. I was calm. Sad, but calm. "I've been the worse sister on earth. I spent all these years trying not to forget you but I failed. I forgot your birthday. I forgot your voice. Was it low, hoarse, clear ? I forgot the way you were saying my name. I forgot how you smelt. I forgot the feeling I had when when you were doing my hair, when you said you loved me. I forgot the feeling I had every time I heard you playing the piano. I forgot everything I was afraid to forget. I only remember your face." I was here, staring at her name. I closed my eyes and saw this scene, I didn't know how many times I'd seen it in my mind, probably too many. "You were just taking me home from school. You said we had to go home fast because you had to keep your friend's brother for the night. I got angry. You were always keeping him these last days and I was jealous. I felt like you were betraying me, like you didn't like me anymore, like you got tired of me. I had a fit. I started walking faster, you did too, telling me to stop acting like a little kid. And it happened. I acted like a blinkered idiot. I crossed the road without watching if there were cars. And there was one." I stopped myself. I didn't want to cry. "The only thing I remember and I will always remember is you running to me, pushing me away with all your strength. I remember your expression when you did it. You were scared. And it changed when you saw you succeeded, when you saw I wasn't going to be hit by the car. You smiled. Your last smile. And the car hit you. It hit you instead of me. I felt like it lasted hours, although it lasted only 30 seconds. My world was falling apart. Nothing around me was here anymore. Everything was black. I ran to you. I tried to wake you. I tried my best. But you didn't. It wasn't like in the movies. You didn't say one last time that you loved me, that it wasn't my fault. You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said. You just died. I remember screaming your name, saying that I was sorry. I wanted it to be a joke, I apologized for acting like I did and begged you to stop this joke and wake up. But it wasn't one. You were dead, and it was my fault. I cried for days. I cried blood tears. I can't count how many night I wish you were still there. I didn't lost only you that night. I lost my love, my dreams, everything. I couldn't look at me in a mirror anymore, I was justing seeing the girl who killed you. It took me months before I stopped dreaming about you every single night and crying every single day. One day I just had enough of being selfish and I then saw how sad mum and dad were. From there, I tried to be strong for them. I did my best, I wanted them to forgive me for killing their daughter." Another moment of silent. "Do you think they did ? I think they did, sometimes I wonder how though. That's funny. You were exactly my actual age when you passed away." I smiled even though it wasn't a happy smile. "I promise you I will live my life for you. I will do all the things you didn't get the chance to do and I'll tell you all about it when I see you again." I stood up, looked at her grave one last time and walked away. 

Bradley's pov

I was about to go to her grave when I saw her. I saw Clary and it suddenly clicked. I knew why she looked so familiar to me. She was her sister. She had the same eyes as her. I stayed away, hiding me so she couldn't see me. I knew she didn't want to see me, I understood her since I told her these horrible things. I didn't want to. I didn't know why it came out of my mouth. I was just pissed off. When I saw her with James that day they looked so close and I guess I just got jealous. So I played with Chloe. I faked to like her, just to make Clary jealous. I acted like a fool and I did something I'm not proud of. 

When I first saw her, I knew she was different from all the other girls. When I walked in the room, the other girls started talking about how good I looked. But not her. She just stared at me with her big blue eyes and for the first time in ages, I didn't feel like some kind of object for girls. I had always been one. The girls only wanted me because I was good-looking, they wanted my body and nothing more. I was nothing more than that. Once it went too far and a guy got mad at me because his girlfriend tried to kissed me. We fought and he ended up with a broken arm and my family and I had to moved back to Birmingham, where we lived when I was a kid. We leaved because my dad had a really great job advert in Nottingham. I had never fit in my school over there. I had friends but I knew they wouldn't be here if I needed them. The only friends I had were James and Tristan, but they were from Birmingham so we couldn't see each other a lot. When I moved back, we had all grown up and we decided to make a band. We always loved music. We used to listen to the new bands we discovered together when we were kids and we were all playing an instrument. James and I were playing guitar while Tristan was playing the drum.

"Hey Gabriela..."

I heard Clary's voice. Gabriela. I missed her and I hadn't heard someone saying her name for a while. She was my sister's best friend. She used to come at our place a lot. She had always been kind to me. It was her who taught me how to play the piano. I once begged her to teach me although I knew she was busy. She was working hard at school and she needed to take care of her little sister but she said yes. Every time she was coming at mine's, I was the most excited kid on earth. I loved playing with her, she was so passionated. Her death devastated me, and my sister, Nathalie. She was supposed to teach me her favorite song that night, but she never came. We told us she had a car accident, nothing more. I felt so guilty. She texted Nathalie saying she was going to be late and when we heard the news, I thought that she was that hurry she crossed the road without seeing the car. From then, I thought that it was my fault, that I shouldn't have insisted to learn that fucking song.

"... is you running to me, pushing me away with all your strength"

She saved her. I stopped breathing. That was her fault if she died. No. No I couldn't think like that. That was no one's fault. She must feel so guilty and I understood her. I felt like that too. I knew I shouldn't be listening to her, that's none of my business. It's way too personal. And it didn't want to hear that. Damn, I can't think straight. I didn't want to know the details, I didn't want to live her death. I could feel my eyes burning. I heard Clary walking away so I stood up and went to the grave. "Hey. It's been a while. I haven't much to say, I'm not good with words. You know what ? I just realised that I liked Clary because she looked like you. I shouldn't think about her anymore, uh ? I'm so stupid for saying these things to her, but I just don't know how to apologize. Is she nice enough to forgive me ? Is she like you ? And you, did you forgive me ?" I knew she wouldn't answer, but still. "Oh, by the way. I learned it. I learned your song. It's a beautiful song, just like you. I miss you, Gabriela. I will always miss you."

I was walking home when my phone rang.

"Hey Brad, it's James. I'm doing a little party tomorrow night at mine. You coming ?"

"Yeah. Yeah why not, I think I need a drink"

"Cool. Oh and I invited Clary and Spencer, hope you don't mind. They already said yes so I understand if you don't wanna come, but you can just come and avoid her, to, you know, don't say mean things again." Oh well, how nice was he ? But did she really said yes ? I thought she wasn't the kind of girl who would like to party...

"No, I'll come. See ya." I needed to say sorry, to fix the mess I'd done.