Help our souls // bws

Confessions

Something dragged me out of my sleep. I didn't know whether it was my heavy breath and the gasps or my shaky body. Anyway, my heart pounded in my chest and my lungs burnt as if they were in the middle of the fire, in Hell, which didn't make it easier to breathe. Each indrawn was hurting a bit more than the last one. My legs were numb. If I couldn't see my toes moving under the sheets, I would believe to be paralyzed. My morning routine. For the last week, the exact same situation happened, my body hurting more or less. Today was particularly hard and painful. Usually I would see my hallucination still on the chair, smirking and watching me suffer. I was alone to face this, again.

Wait. No, I wasn't. I turned my head and Brad was nowhere to be found. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. Bad idea, my lungs ached and a small whine passed my lips. I immediately brought my hand to my mouth to deaden the loudest groans that followed. I couldn't afford him to see me like this. I instinctively looked up to Brad's desk and let out a sigh of relief. No hallucination, yet. Calm down or he'll figure it out. I replied, "I know, I know." My free hand covered my eyes. Then just do it, fast. He is coming. Footsteps were being heard. I was screwed. The moment he fixed his gaze on me, I knew he had seen the guiltiness in my eyes. He rushed to me.

"Clary, what's happening ?" He brushed my hair back from my face.

"I," Speaking hurt even more. My lungs burning and my heart aching mixed to all the feeling of guiltiness I felt made it even harder. I lied to him, this whole week, those 'no' when he asked me if I was having nightmares. Those 'yes' when he asked me if everything was okay. I couldn't handle to lie to him once more. I felt like a bad person. Good persons don't lie, do they ? I questioned myself. I don't know, it's your choice. But even saying the truth wouldn't erase the lies you told him.

"You're in pain ?" I nodded quickly.

"Water..." I breathed. He looked around and grabbed the bottle of water next to his bed. He opened it and handed it to me. I tried to hold it but my hands were unsteady, I was shaking more and more.

"Alright, careful..." He brought the bottle to my lips and, slowly, the liquid ran through my throat, soon enough appeasing my burning lungs. I tilted my head back and the air finally travelled down my body in a sufficient proportion. He put the bottle aside and stared at me. He brought his hand at my cheek and gently stoke it. "Do you feel a bit better ?" I placed my hand on his and closed my eyes, savoring the coldness of his rings on my burning skin. I nodded and let my head fell on his shoulder. He was surprised first but his hand slowly moved to the back of my neck, while the other travelled the bare skin of my back. I needed to dress up. After. His touch reminded me of last night, or should I say last afternoon ?

"What time is it ?"

"Ten-ish in the morning I think." I slept for a long time. After we... did the deed, we talked for a while, and the last time I checked the clock it was around seven. "You looked so tired that I didn't wake you up." I wondered if he was awake for a bit now. His breath hit my skin gently. I shivered when his hand slipped on my waist. I was still tingly and every shiver turned my stomach upside down, reminding me of how good I felt under his touch. He moved away and I narrowed my eyes. "Clary," he said in a most serious voice, "did you have a nightmare ?" My body stiffened, even though I knew this question would come. I hummed, ashamed. "Would you have told me if I didn't come upstairs ?" My gaze replied for me. I bet he could see the hesitation in my eyes. He sighed. "Did you have others when I was away ?" I detected a bit of annoyance in his voice. Are you a liar, or aren't you ? The voice tantalized me. I shouted an intern 'shut up' at it.

"Yes." I confessed, murmuring. "I didn't want to spoil your happiness--"

"Are you sure ? You sure it's the real reason ?" He rose on his feet and raised an eyebrow. Think about it, Clary. Is it the only reason ? Is it truly ? I closed my eyes and clenched my jaw, so much that I almost gritted my teeth. Couldn't it just shut up and leave me alone for a moment ? I finally came with an answer, and not the right one.