Fire and Desire

17

June 8th, 1980

Self-love

Reading that one word seems to unlock several doors leaving them open and waiting for you to step inside. At some point you truly believe you've already mastered it and you're fine but something or someone comes around proving your assumption to be wrong.

Relying on others for your own happiness really affects you after a while. Being with Rick became a normal routine to me; I do things to keep him happy and be careful not to spoil his mood. And somehow I convinced myself that I needed him to ensure a lifetime of happiness. Then Prince came along and shook things up.

Prince made me feel desirable. The feeling was foreign to me, I had never felt such a way in my entire life. His simple affection and occasional vulgar comments sparked something in me, I have yet to figure out what he had caused to erupt inside but I knew that I wanted to feel like that everyday.

I'm starting to think the reason for me falling so hard for him was that he gave me all the things that I wanted from Rick; Attention, Time, and Love. Rick made me feel pretty but Prince made me feel gorgeous, like there was no one else like me.

But, the one thing that the two have in common? They sure do know how to make someone feel so disposable.

Loneliness

A word i'm quite familiar with. A word that makes me question whether we are made to be alone. I was once lonely, the loneliest I had ever been.

When my mother died I felt like the only person in this world, she was my best friend, and without her the world seemed to lack it's beauty.

My stepfather tried so hard to help me cope but it was no use, I just seemed to never recover. So, he did his best by trying to be not only his own backbone but mine as well.

After that I promised that I'd never be lonely again if I surrounded myself with people who made me feel good about myself. Obviously, I didn't quite understand how loneliness worked because if I did I wouldn't be feeling this way. You've never experienced true loneliness until you're in a room full of people and you still feel like the only person in there.

Strength and Vulnerability

These two words are almost complete opposites. But one wouldn't exist without the other and I think it's time that I realize that. I've grown so used to depending on others for strength that I don't really know how to stand on my own.

How can you expect to go through life if you're not strong mentally and emotionally? Strength comes from within.

I grow too attached to people in a short amount of time and that is the root of the problem. No one really stays around long enough so I try to force a bond between us, and that makes me open to emotional harm.

I put my trust in so many people at a time hoping that they wouldn't harm me in any way but they always do. Vulnerability should never be a fault, in fact it is great to be open with others, emotions should never be bottled up.

But why am I always vulnerable at the wrong times?

Forgiveness