The Journey of a Recovering Agender Person

My Journey With Self Harm

~~The trigger warning starts here and goes for the whole chapter. Much of the writing in here will be triggering, as it is raw writing from when I was struggling a lot more with this.~~

Hello again everyone.

I know I promised that these chapters would be slightly happier, but I do want to make them educational and informative as well, documenting my struggles with this.

What I am going to put in here is five small excerpts from an unpublished book I have, documenting different stages of my relationship with self harm. They will be quite triggering. At the end, I will include a sixth and final small excerpt from me right now and my relationship with this.

It isn't really a happy thing, but I'm happy that I am able to document this and say proudly that I have improved greatly. And not to worry, I'm currently talking to a therapist and working through this and am not doing it consistently, so there's no need to worry.

Here we go my friends.

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•I have an addiction•

I have an addiction, and it's destroying me.

I admit it. I talk constantly about how I never want to get addicted to anything. I talk about how I've never used an abusive substance, never touched a cigarette or alcohol in my life.

I was aware of the risks. I knew I shouldn't. I was afraid to do it again, knowing how much I had liked it the time before.

But of course, I was already hooked.

It took the next time to get addicted. And the time after that deepened the affair. It was more more, I need more just to feel alright. I need more to function. To feel normal again.

That holds true still. I keep getting away from it, and it trails after me like a dog; the want for it begging for attention, the need crying out in the silence.

I can't shake it. I have anxiety over it, yet I crave it. I can't help myself, and I don't know what to do.

I have an addiction. And I'm laying down my arms.

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•i have an addiction part two•

This addiction makes everything harder.

In moments of weakness, in moments of pain, I always go crawling back.

The scars and the bandaids are a reminder of how weak I can be, and just how far I need to go to be strong.

The bandaids and the wounds make everything harder. I never thought hard enough about my choices, and now those things are on my body forever. I've had close calls before, but how will I keep hiding this?

The stress of keeping it hidden makes it harder.

But at least I have admitted to myself.

I have an addiction.

And somehow, I have to get out.

And I know I can.

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•i have an addiction part three: recovery•

I know that it's not easy.

It's been a few days now. The bandaids came off yesterday and stayed off today and it was alright. They were a little itchy, the skin irritated from the bandaid.

It's not easy. But it's going alright.

I bet it hurt seeing the small plastic piece.

One I know you saw me take home that day,