Loving You

chapter eight

dedicated to marfathassan for her kind comments that just brighten up my day

Both Yusuf and Durdanah had agreed to the marriage for various reasons.

Yusuf knew he would never love his wife-to-be, but now knowing that it was his bride was to be Durdanah, he couldn't deny that he'd never love her more than an acquaintance. When they were kids, she was like a little sister to him. But now, he could see she wasn't who she was. Life had happened and came in the blink of an eye and whisked her away, taking a part of her forever.

He couldn't bear to look at this Durdanah without feeling sorry. She didn't sparkle and shine like the stars anymore. He recalled fondly calling her Stargirl much to Durdanah's annoyance - she thought he had mocked her unmatched love for the book by Jerry Spinelli but he had been referring to the way she glimmered and made people glitter. She was contagious.

"Where's Rania?" Yusuf asked clutching his basketball under his left arm, seeing Durdanah alone. She was nowhere to be found.

"Oh she didn't come today." Durdanah murmured absently as she intently read her book.

Yusuf peered at the cover. Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli. Yet once again.

"You're crazy!" He shook his head dramatically. Duri was something else.

"Mhm." She refused to look up as she felt tears well up as she continued reading.

"Who reads the same book a gajillion times?" He pondered as he dribbled his basketball.

"Stargirl would."

Yusuf looked down at Durdanah who seemed to be lost in her world. He snatched the book from her, not knowing what overcame him. 

"Who is this Stargirl anyway?" He demanded as he flipped through the pages. "She was elusive. She was today. She was tomorrow. She was the faintest scent of a cactus flower, the flitting shadow of an elf owl." Durdanah recited softly her words flowing in the warm summer breeze.

Yusuf grinned at her, impressed as he watched her brown hair look a little more red than usual, and her eyes sparkle as she talked about Stargirl and before he could stop himself, beamed at her and said,"You're quite the Stargirl yourself, eh?"

She smiled at him delicately, "Maybe we all are," her words lingering in the air much longer than they had intended.

***

He'd agreed to marry her because if there was one woman he could trust to raise Hamsa with love and nurture her into becoming an exceptional woman; it was her. 

She loved children. She absolutely adored the little creatures. Ever since she was a little girl, she would always chase after babies and kids and gush about how tiny and adorable they were. Even a month ago, when he'd been reunited with her, he remembered how she gently carried Hamsa in her arms as she whispered loving words to her as if she was her own child. Durdanah's eyes seemed rather mournful as she smiled at Hamsa.

Rania used to say Durdanah was made of love. She loved anyone and everything. And, when she loved, she loved with a fire and passion. Durdanah was also fiercely loyal to the people and things she loved, too. That's why Rania had loved her so much.

What had happened to turn her into this?

Yusuf wanted to marry her because Hamsa needed love like that. And he needed loyalty like that. He knew he wouldn't be able to give her the love she deserved but he hoped she'd find solace in Hamsa.

He'd said yes to her because something in her eyes at that moment as she apologized compelled him to. Her eyes scared him and yet he saw a piece of Rania and himself in them- if that made sense.

And, oh God he probably sounded crazy right now but she looked desperate. Why else would she - radiant, shining Durdanah choose to marry a  divorced man with a child? It just didn't make sense.

Durdanah on the other hand had chosen to marry Yusuf for her own set of reasons. She simply couldn't all of a sudden reject the proposal 20 minutes after she accepted it. And, her parents were so happy, she couldn't just destroy their happiness like that. Her father had looked relaxed and at ease for the first time in years. He'd actually smiled.

And, there was how Hamsa needed a mother. Something was amiss about Hamsa. From what she'd learned, it looked like Hamsa had Down Syndrome. But, Durdanah didn't want to just ask out of the blue, that would have been remarkably insensitive. Durdanah had always wanted to be a mother and perhaps being one would take her mind off of things she'd rather not think.

Durdanah, however was torn. How could she marry her best friend's ex-husband?

Especially since she had been the one to give that extra long speech at their wedding. She had been the one who'd given them their blessings, who knew that not even a decade later, she'd be the one standing in a place that should only belong to Rania.

Life was strange like that. It had a way about it, it would come between underneath your feet, make you trip and fall and then all of a sudden whisk you away to somewhere you couldn't even forecast. 

She felt guilty for agreeing to the proposal but she had no choice. Rania was nowhere to be found and what else were they to do?

She didn't know why Yusuf had agreed to have a mentally unstable wife and mother for Hamsa. It didn't make sense at all. Durdanah wasn't who she used to be anymore. Her light had been dimmed,  he knew. She knew he knew that she wasn't loud, childish and fun; she wasn't happy Duri anymore. She was now pathetic, emotional and desperate Durdanah.

She didn't know why he'd agreed but she was immensely grateful for him. 

"Ya Allah, please. Just this once, let this not be a mistake." An unassuming prayer left her lips.

Durdanah was terrified of getting married again, more so now that even Rania had left. She was scared to her wits end. She didn't know why she was willing to do this again. She simply did not know. It was for her parents sure but a part of her knew she wanted to be normal; just like all the other women her age who'd settled down, got their dream job and were enjoying their married life. She just wanted to be happy. She was sick of sitting at home all day, like an inanimate object. She was sick of wanting to do something with her life but not quite getting there.

She'd tried going back to her studies but she had become terrified of going outside. Hopefully this time change will bring good, and she won't feel as sorry for herself anymore.

A small itty bitty part of her agreed to get married to Yusuf for her own selfish reasons and for a reason she couldn't fathom, that teeny part of her didn't feel guilty.

Was it such a crime to want to be happy? Or normal...whatever normal was?

She was scared. Durdanah could feel the fear seeping into her bones. With another man, perhaps she wouldn't be feeling this petrified. Because then, she'd be going into the marriage with no expectations.

But, this time. This time, she was marrying Yusuf Faaris. Kind, gentle, sweet Yusuf.

She hated to even think of how Yusuf would be as a husband.

She couldn't even bear the idea of Yusuf turning into another Arham.

The fear of Yusuf becoming a cruel man terrified her. It repulsed her, the very idea. She hated herself for doubting him and for even a moment playing with the possibility that he had been an Arham for Rania but she couldn't stop.

But at the same time, she just couldn't imagine the Yusuf who put bandaids on both her and Rania when they got hurt while playing tag to beat her, to abuse to be the cause of what lay underneath her bandaids.

She prayed Yusuf would remain Yusuf. And that he wouldn't turn into a monster.

Yusuf, please. Don't lose sight of who you are.

Please.