Written With Hearts

Written With Hearts - Chapter Twenty Six

Yate....

They say that time is a healer, is it fuck?

It has been four weeks, three days and five hours since the night that Abby walked out on me. Yeah, that's right. I'm the sad fuck who is actually counting the weeks and days since she left me, but I miss her. I miss us.

At times, I feel conflicted. At other times, I just feel miserably empty.

She walked out on me, yet it's me who feels guilty. Then I feel angry, because I feel guilty. SHE FUCKING LEFT ME! So why do I feel so bad?

It's because of the last things that you said to her, you stupid bastard! My thoughts bluntly tell me straight, and those thoughts are absolutely right. The things that I said to her are unforgivable. If I could go back, I'd ram those words so far down my stupid throat; I'd be shitting vowels and consonants for the rest of my life!

I cringe when I replay that awful night in my mind. I honestly don't know what I was thinking. I guess that's it, right there, I fucking wasn't thinking at all. I just remember trying to make Abby see sense. She went from being this lost and inconsolable little thing, to someone who emotionally shut up shop. The more I tried to reach her, the more she withdrew from me. She became like a wounded animal, unpredictable and frightened. I knew I had to handle her with care, but I just wasn't getting through to her. My confusion, hurt, and anger eventually took over. I wasn't thinking straight. I just knew that I was losing her, so I wanted to hurt her back. I wanted my words to twist at her conscience and cause havoc to her heart. She had ripped mine out; I wanted her to feel the very fucking same. So in the heat of a hurt moment, I said the unimaginable. I told her that she was just like her father, that her aborted baby was better off without her. How can you unsay such things? How can you erase such hurtful words? That's my problem, I can't. I've caused untold damage; a devastating damage that can't ever be undone.

Wounded pride, and nauseating disgust at myself, prevents me from even trying. I'm trying to live with myself, whilst living without Abby. It's getting harder and harder to do, and it doesn't make it any easier, knowing that Ray gets to see the woman that I love and lost. He's officially in a relationship with KC. Can you fucking believe it? Sir Shagalot has gone and got all serious with my girl's best friend. Fucking ironic, let me tell you. Ray knows how gutted I am over Abby. He says he doesn't really see her, though. He's only twice bumped into her as he's arrived, just as she was leaving KC's. But those are two times that I am insanely jealous of. I want to see her. I want to talk to her. There have been so many times that I've wanted to either call or text, just to initiate some form of contact with her. The only thing that stops me is the bitter reminder of our last conversation. My behaviour, on that night, hit an all time low. There's no coming back from that. As much as I'd like to, the final nail was, without doubt, hammered into our relationship with my verbal slaying of Abby on that night. She trusted me with her truth, and within minutes, I used it against her.

"Daddy! Push me high!" Lily drags me from my thoughts. Her wide-open smile only makes my hurting so much stronger. I'd love nothing more than for Abby to be here too, here with Lily and me, being silly at the local park.

"Okay, Baby Girl." I push the swing harder, pretending to be a shark, trying to bite her feet as they swing towards me.

Lily squeals, kicking her legs around to avoid me catching her feet. "No, Daddy!" The swing starts to sway and judder, the more that her legs kick out.

I laugh, pushing her so that the swing straightens up its askew line through the air. "No more shark. How about a tickling chimp?" As she sways backwards, I run behind the swing and tickle her through her coat.

Lily giggles loudly, with the odd squeal. "No chimp, Daddy!" She tenses up, still laughing.

"How about we go and feed the ducks now?" I watch her swinging, her hair messily falling on and off her little face.