39. The universe doesn't care

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                I hopped on my motorbike without even knowing my destination. I just kept going faster and faster, with the acceleration overwhelming my body. The smell of rain seemed more bitter now, more intense. It drummed on my back and my helmet and I guess I was supposed to be thrilled and adrenaline was supposed to rush through my body and maybe that's how it was. But I felt nothing. I thought of nothing. All the sounds created a white noise I didn't even try to comprehend. I just rode. I rode past the Marconi square and the church that rang 8 o'clock. I reached the Corso Italia and then I realized –  I knew exactly where I was going.

    I got off the bike and ran down the stairs that lead to the beach. I jumped from one rock to another, wondering if I cared if I suddenly fell. There was one moment when I almost did. My hand slipped from the wet surface of the rock and the rain was so violent and the waves so big. It was dangerous, but somehow I reached that secret spot. The isolated rocky coast. It was so peaceful the first time I came here. Something comforting about lying alone on a beach and listening to the sounds of nature. Or maybe it was comforting simply because Noemi was there. It felt like the whole world crumbled that 1st of November. But I was wrong. That day was today.

    And now it was really scary. Because the sky wasn't lilac. It was fucking grey. It hung upon the world ready to smash it. And it was heavy and it was suffocating. And no, not just in a poetic kind of way. The sky was this tangent, concrete mass that was inches away from squashing us. And I thought, why does the universe hate us so much? But the truth is, the universe just didn't give a shit. It didn't care if boys like Nick could ruin someone's future with a simple click. It didn't care if girls like Gaia grew up without a mother, and boys like Dario had to put up with his parents' shit. And I just stood there in the middle of all of it and I had never felt more powerless. There was nothing I could do to change, to prevent, to undo. To each their own tragedy, to each their own flaws. Maybe mine was to feel too much, feel so much that it hypnotized me from head to toe. 

    So I screamed. I screamed against the violent rain and the grey sky and the raging sea. I screamed so hard my glands hurt and I felt like I was choking. I fell on my knees, and the harsh little stones ripped my jeans. Maybe there was even a piece of glass that scratched my skin. And it was sad and pathetic and stupid. My nose burned and I wasn't even able to distinguish the rain from my tears. And then I just fell. I pressed my head against the rough surface and closed my eyes. I cried and cried until suddenly I didn't.     Everything hurt and I felt nothing at all. I just wanted to lie there for the rest of my life. Away from everyone and everything. It would be okay if the waves took me away, it would be okay if they didn't. Everything would be okay because nothing actually was. And with this thought in my mind, I slipped away from this world.

    I dreamed of her. I dreamed of us. Us screaming against the sea, us eating strawberry ice cream at 2am. I dreamed of our hands locked together, our bodies intertwined. And when I opened my eyes and saw the dark sky full of stars, my heart squeezed and cried and slammed against my ribs. And I thought God, I really miss her. I miss her so much my stomach hurts. And then I realized how stupid that was because she was still here and she was breathing the same air as me. And in that moment all I wanted was to be by her side. I wanted it with all of my body, all of my soul. 

    I tried to move, but I couldn't even feel my legs, only the wet fabric of my clothes clinging to my skin and suffocating it. I grabbed my phone. The battery was at 3%. All I managed to see was that it was past midnight and I had 3 missed phone calls from my mum. So as I lay there, with probable fever and banging head, I replayed the same words in my head. You hurt me too, you know? You're hurting me right now. She was the last person I would ever want to hurt. She was the last person I'd ever walk away from. Selfishness or cowardice, it didn't really matter, I broke her heart with ruthless words. I had to make it right now, I had to change everything. 

    I stood up, I ran, I started the engine. Oh God, what an idiot was. Not even a second, not even a second had to be wasted. No what ifs, no what abouts, no doubts. She loved me and I loved her and the universe was a silly thing, we had to enjoy each other for as long as we could. Because yes, I knew she wasn't the source of all of my agony and universal pain, but somehow she was the start. Somehow I knew that if I made it up to her, the world would be a better place. By a little fragment, an insignificant piece of the human timeline, I knew it mattered, because it mattered to us. Because what is life and what's the point if you turn away from the one you love? And love in itself didn't need a complicated definition. It didn't need eternity and sacrifice and all that 'pure love' crap. Love was her today and maybe someone else tomorrow. Love was dynamic, burning and alive. She might be gone next sunset, she might become a phantom, but all I need to know is that I love her now.

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