Fragile // Sequel to Torn

51. |

// Ethan's point of view //

"Is he still asleep?" Chris asks as I return from upstairs for a third time.

"Yeah, apparently," I shrug, opening the fridge. "do we have blueberries?"

"No. We have to be at the studio in 2 hours." He tells me like I don't already know.

"So we'll let him sleep for another hour and then I'll wake him up." I reply.

"Wait, I think we do have blueberries. Whatever." Chris pushes past and starts digging into the freezer.

"Should I put on more pancakes?" I ask.

"Yeah, I'll have another one. Thanks." He replies, placing down a packet of frozen blueberries on the cupboard next to me.

"Sweet."

Chris and I watch cartoons for the next hour. Why? Because it was the only thing on. We don't really talk, just kind of eat and watch. I feel bad because we're starting to leave Chris out again. Today we're only in the studio for half an hour before Jakob and I have to attend a meeting for Loud and Proud. I'm trying to think of ways that Chris can be involved in that too, but I can't think of anything. He's not LGBTQ+, sick or anything that the charity stands for. He's confident and he loves life as well as himself. I always used to aspire to be like him. He's so confident in everything he does and has this whole self-love thing going that I only dream of having. I would give anything to wake up one morning and actually love myself for what I am.

"Why are you staring at me?" Chris asks, slightly scaring me. I didn't realise I was staring.

"How do you do it?" I ask, deciding to actually ask this question.

"Do what?"

"Love yourself and your life."

"Ethan, I am doing everything I ever dreamed of doing. I am living the life I have secretly wanted ever since I was a little kid. Every week, I get to wake up and go record my songs in a real recording studio. And on top of that, I get to release that music to thousands of people who love me for doing what I love. What's not to love about that?" Chris replies. I take a few seconds and then realise he avoided one of my questions.

"But what about loving yourself? How do you do that?"

"Of course I don't love everything about myself," he starts, pausing for a few seconds. "But I feel like everyone goes on a journey to self love. You'll find a place where you're happy with at least a part of you, and that's what you hold on to. I think I'm at my place, but I've definitely had less obstacles than you. I promise you'll find it one day."

"What don't you love about yourself? You walk around so confident, Chris, it leaves me... I envy to be you some days. I haven't been confident for years." I admit. It's weird how in some moments you can close up completely and then in others, it's like the door was never there.

"I don't even know what I don't like. It's not really anything physical- like, I don't mind how I look- but it's just other things I think I don't have. I'm not even sure if I still want a girlfriend. I mean, do I have time for that? Look what happened last time I got with a girl. It just ends with me upset and I don't want that." He announces. I'm glad we're having this talk; we haven't talked like this in so long.

"You shouldn't feel that way," I object slightly. "You shouldn't be too scared to like someone."

"No, I'm not scared. I'm just saving myself some pain. Look, my priorities right now are with music and I'm okay with that. This won't last forever and when it is over, then I'll go out and find myself a girlfriend. I'm okay, really." Chris assures me. I'm still not very happy that this is what he's actually thinking, but I understand. If Jakob wasn't so close to my music, I probably wouldn't be with him.