“I’m going to kill you.”
Lee TaeMin is a 19 year old boy who is in his first year of college. He loves dancing and loves animals; he also loves his boyfriend, MinHo.
“T-Tae! Stop it!”
But Lee TaeMin has a little-big problem.
“Who the fuck do you think you are? You piece of shit! You’re going to die!”
He has a mental disorder, a very bad one.
“I-It’s me! Ba-babe it’s me! Stop!”
At first it wasn’t that bad, it was controllable. It started when he was 13 years old and his parents noticed something was wrong with their son because one day he exploded and cursed at his parents. The calmed TaeMin never disrespects the ones who gave him life.
With a few pills, TaeMin was calmed again. A little drowsy, but calmed.
“I’m going kill you!” The knife was dangerously close to MinHo’s neck.
But as he had more birthdays, the little problem started to grow. It was as if TaeMin was another person and didn’t recognize anyone. He just wanted someone’s head. He just wanted someone dead.
One time, TaeMin cut MinHo’s finger. It was a small cut, but it still hurt.
Another time, TaeMin’s best friend, JongHyun, got a cut in his left cheek. The knife brushed his face.
There was also a time when KiBum’s arm got a cut too; he had to go to a clinic to get it fixed. It wasn’t really big, but it needed treatment.
And the worst of all, he threw a crystal vase to JinKi. He was unconscious, but woke up a little after TaeMin got his medicine and fell asleep.
It was unpredictable. One moment he’s cuddling with MinHo on the couch, and the other he’s trying to kill him.
But after something bad happens, TaeMin snaps out of it. He get to see the damage he has done, and it hurts MinHo and his best friends to see him desperately apologizing and rushing to his room and lock himself in there.
There are some times that he doesn’t come to real life at all. They have to give him his medicine or his shots because the effect is faster.
“Yah! T-TaeMin! Stop i-it- AH!” The knife touched MinHo’s neck, leaving a red line of blood in a dangerous place.
TaeMin gasped and dropped the knife nervously. His eyes got watery as he mumbled incoherent words.
“No- no, baby. It’s okay. I’m okay. Look- it’s just a small cut. Baby I’m alright.” MinHo tried to approach the trembling boy in front of him, but kicking the knife far away first.
The boy shook his head violently, covering his ears and closing his eyes hard. He hid himself in a corner of the house. His mind was driving him crazy, why it didn’t shut up?
“Tae come here. It’s okay. Let’s go to our room, shall we?” MinHo stood up, but the nervous boy didn’t. TaeMin won’t follow him, he can see the damage.
“Monster… I’m- I’m a monster…” He mumbled. MinHo quickly went to the bathroom to clean his now bloody neck. Thankfully it wasn’t a deep wound, but he still has to hide it so TaeMin can calm down.
He came back to where TaeMin was and saw him in the same corner crying uncontrollably and his body shook violently. It hurts MinHo to see his boyfriend like that. It’s wasn’t his fault after all. It’s not his fault that his mind doesn’t work how it’s supposed to.
“Baby, let’s go. It’s late; let’s go to sleep, okay?” MinHo reached out for him, but he refused. TaeMin is not alright, but he doesn’t need his meds. He isn’t that bad. He has been worse.
“I love you.” MinHo knelt in front of him and looked at him in the eye. TaeMin didn’t look back at him. His eyes were moving really fast, watching different things, thinking different things. Yet, everything he saw, he wanted it to disappear. He knows something is wrong with him because he doesn’t remember. He knows because there are parts of his memories that are blank.
“Did you hear me?” MinHo asks. TaeMin slowly nods; he’s still afraid that horrible nightmare he’s living will come back. “What did I say?”
“Y-You love me.” He mumbled. He hugged his knees tighter, if another episode happened, he doesn’t want to hurt MinHo anymore. But he still knows it won’t work, yet he likes to think it would.
“I love you very much. Do you love me, too?” MinHo asked quietly. When this happens, they have to treat him like a little kid. His mind is too confused.
TaeMin nods. “Very.” This makes him smile.
“Now, will you give me your hand?” MinHo suggests. TaeMin is holding himself too hard, and there are red marks already. But TaeMin was too nervous to let go, he was still scared of what he’ll do.
“Don’t worry, nothing is going to happen. I will take care of you.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
That night was like every other night. It was hard to get TaeMin to sleep without flinching. It was hard to even convince him to close his eyes, because he said those nightmares were in the dark. He was afraid of himself, he’s afraid of his own mind. Because he doesn’t want to hurt the people he loves. He doesn’t want to be hated by the people he loves because of the things he does. It’s not his fault; he doesn’t want to do it. It’s not him who decides.
That night, TaeMin was sleeping on MinHo’s chest. After almost an hour, he fell asleep. Sometimes in his sleep, he would whine or flinch. When that happened, MinHo’s hand covered his ear so he won’t hear anything else, only his heartbeat.
His heartbeat, the best treatment. Because TaeMin knows it only beats for him, at least MinHo reminds him every day. Because MinHo loves him too much. Because MinHo will protect him always. If he has to die because of TaeMin, he would, because TaeMin is his everything. No matter the illness, no matter the disease.
TaeMin is a 19 year old boy with a mental disorder. But he has something bigger and stronger than every disorder in this world. He has MinHo’s heart.
