Silver Lining - The Host fanfiction

Chapter 40 The Heartbreaker

My body is a cage that keeps me from dancing with the one I love,
but my mind holds the key.

- Peter Gabriel (Children of Men)

 

Burns

 

Bliss is a great kid, but he knows how to make me feel awkward. A nervous tremble tugs at the corner of my mouth and I feel relieved when Yellow Leaves calls his attention away from us.
Sky turns her head and our eyes meet.
I feel my throat becoming dry. I’m not sure how to solve this situation. A blush is evident in her face and she seems nervous.
My body seems to react on its own and inches closer to her. I’ve known for a while that she likes me. There’s nothing wrong with giving her what she wants. Right?
She’s pretty and she’s good company.

I like her.

I lean closer, so close that I can feel her breath on my lips. Sky’s lips tremble.

No.

Not Sky’s.

Emma’s.

I can’t do this.

I pull back and let out a deep breath. A hurt look is in her eyes.

Sky’s eyes.

Not Emma’s.

This is confusing.
And uncomfortable.
I clear my throat. I have to get out of here. “I err.. I’ll go see if Yellow Leaves needs help.” I can’t get out of the room fast enough.
My head is spinning. I’m looking at Emma with Sky sitting right there. What if Emma is still conscious?
The thought won’t leave me alone. And I have no idea why that thought is so unbearable.

***

Dinner is uncomfortable. It makes me feel guilty.
Yellow Leaves is trying her best to distract everyone, but I’m still receiving curious looks from her husband.
I’m glad when we can retreat to the bedroom, but that creates a new problem. It leaves me alone with Sky.
She moves through the room quietly and avoids my eyes.
I sigh and sit down on the bed. “I’m sorry,” I say.
Sky keeps her back to me. Her hands are playing with an object that I can’t see. Her shoulders are hanging down. “It’s fine,” she whispers, “I understand.”
I frown confused. “What do you mean?”
She looks over her shoulder and gives me a watery smile. “It’s okay. I misunderstood. You just want to be friends. It’s fine.”
I can see the object in her hands now. It’s the prism. I swallow the lump that’s stuck in my throat. “That’s not…” I sigh and look at the ground. I’ve never considered taking a partner. Not before Ocean mentioned it. I know Sky has. She could make someone very happy. But I can’t see her separate from Emma.
“You don’t need to explain,” Sky whispers.
I close my eyes. I can’t bear seeing her so sad. It’s not her fault. If I had never met Emma… but then I would probably never have met Sky either.
I sigh. “I’ve just never had a partner.” I look up at her. “It’s a bit confusing.”
Sky looks at me uncertain. “We don’t have to decide anything now,” she says, “we haven’t known each other that long.” She walks over and sits down next to me. A tentative smile is on her lips. “Friends?”
I look at her, trying to find any trace of Emma, but there’s just Sky.
I let my breath escape. “Friends.”

***

Yellow Leaves smiles when she sees us at breakfast that morning. “What are the two of you going to do today?”
“We plan to take a tour around the city,” Sky says, “and have a picnic in the park later.” She sends me a quick look and I nod.
“That sounds like fun,” Yellow Leaves says.
“Would you mind if we take some food from your cabinet?” Sky asks.
“Of curse not,” Yellow Leaves tells us, “take what you like.” She winks at Sky who lowers her eyes shyly.
I clear my throat. “We should go.”
 “You don’t want breakfast?”
“No,” Sky shakes her head, “we’ll eat in town,” She takes my hand, unaware of the tingle it sends through my body. I am aware however of the momentary tension in hers, but when I look at her, she is smiling.
Did I imagine it? 
“Let’s go,” Sky says and she pulls me towards the door.

She talks a lot as we walk down the sidewalk, but nothing she says seems to register in my mind. I’m occupied with my own thoughts. I feel conflicted. I am too aware of Sky’s hand in mine. I like the feel of it. I remember the first time Emma took my hand. We went shopping. And I’d made a promise to myself to bring her back where she belongs.
With humans.
Look how that turned out.
I bite my lip. I remember something she said that day. She talked about her parents controlling her life. That it felt like someone else being in control over her body without her being able to do anything about it.
Is that what this is like for her now?
I sigh. I suddenly realize that I miss her, miss the way she disagrees with me about almost everything. It’s something I’m not used to. Souls rarely disagree. Disagreements embark arguments.

Souls don’t argue.

Sky smiles all the time. It’s like it’s a second nature for her, but I want to see Emma’s smiles again. They might have been rare, but that only made them more real. I liked that. And I like the way she spoke my name, as if it was a foreign word.
“Burns?”
There’s a tug on my hand and I look up dazed.
“Are you alright?” Sky asks concerned, “you’re spacing out a bit.”
I force out a smile. It’s strange. I’ve never had reason to fake smiles before. “I’m fine. I was just thinking. I’m sorry for worrying you.”
She nods. She has no reason to doubt me. Souls don’t lie. But I feel trapped. How can I be with Sky without betraying Emma?
Carefully I pull my hand out of Sky’s grip. I know I’m hurting her feelings, but I can’t help it.

It wouldn’t be fair to hold her hand, wishing it was someone else.

---

A/N I love this song. It has something so very sad.... I though it fits the story well. 
Picture to the side is the prism Burns gave to Emma.