Alice

15.3

He's still here.

He's standing by my desk, a book in his hand. I knew without looking that it was The Giver. He looked up when I emerged though, and quietly took in my appearance. The pajama shorts now felt shorter than I remember. He doesn't say anything. Neither do I. It wasn't supposed to be so awkward. We'd been fine this whole time and now...now it's awkward.

"Um..." I trail off and look around. I hadn't cleaned up and my floor was littered with textbooks and clothes. "We can share the bed?"

His eyes flicker to the bed. It wasn't very large, but it could fit both of us.

"You don't mind?" His eyes are on me again, watching.

"No."

"Okay."

Awkward. I walk towards the bed and sit down. He sits down next to me.

"You're going to sleep in your jeans? Won't that be uncomfortable?" It took me too long to realize that by saying that, his only other option would be to take the jeans off.

"I didn't want to make you uncomfortable by removing them."

That won't make me uncomfortable at all.

"Do what you want," I decide to say. "I told you to make yourself comfortable so sleep however you want."

What I didn't expect was for him to remove his jeans and shirt. My eyes widened as they trailed over his body. He was fit. Like an athlete. He picked up his jeans and dropped them off to the side. I looked at his back, which was firm and perfect and—

Look away before you combust.

He turned around. Our eyes locked. He started moving towards me. My eyes remained on his, even though I so badly wanted to lower them and stare at his body a little more.

A series of knocks on my door makes me tear my gaze from him. I stand up and answer it.

"Have you not gotten any of my texts? I'm freaking out he—" Parker barges into my room and stops when she sees the half naked guy picking up the book he seemed to be obsessed with. "Um."

He looks up and nods in her direction before refocusing on the pages. Parker's eyes flicker between us.

"Um," she repeats.

"Parker, you remember Charlie," I say, my face turning red as I gesture to him.

"Yeah..." Her eyes narrow. "Alice can I talk to your for a second? Alone?"

"Yeah." I glance at Charlie. "Be right back."

He barely looks up from the book. "Mm."

Rolling my eyes, I follow Parker out into the hall. The moment I close the door, she pounces, her hands gripping my shoulders and shaking me.

"Charlie is standing in your room without any clothes on." She says as if I hadn't realized that.

"He has on boxers," I point out.

"Why is he standing in your room in just boxers?" She sounds incredulous.

I sigh. "It's late. I told him to stay the night."

She blinks. "And he said yes? I thought he hated you. I thought you were over it."

"Well clearly I'm not." I bite my nail and glance behind me, as if half expecting him to be peeking out and listening in on our conversation. "Parker, he told me he likes me. Likes me, likes me."

Her eyes widen. "What? When was this?"

"Earlier. I'm freaking out. He kissed me—twice. And, Parks, it was amazing. Like holy shit, no one has ever kissed me like that before. And I can't think. I can't think. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do or say or feel because he told me he liked me and that was it." I lean against the wall and bang my head. "That was it. He didn't ask me to be his girlfriend. He just told me he liked me, kissed me, and that was it."

"Breathe," Parker snaps. "Just...breathe."

I took a deep breath. "Okay. Okay." I shake my head, clear my thoughts. Breathe some more. "You were freaking out. You said you were freaking out. What happened?"

Parker shakes her head. "I'll tell you tomorrow."

"No, tell me now. Really—"

"Tomorrow," she repeats, a bit more firmly. "I'm going to leave you to your Charlie. Text me tomorrow, okay?"

I nod. "Okay."

I open my door and go back inside. Charlie's on the bed, the book in his hands. When he hears me come in, he looks up.

"I'm tired," I say, walking towards the bed. "Scoot over."

He puts down the book and moves over on the bed to give me space. I climb in next to him and reach over to turn off the light. We're encased in darkness. Silence. It's so quiet. Too quiet. I take in a deep breath. I can feel the heat from his body. I can hear his breathing. I can smell him.

"What's wrong?" His voice is low. Sleepiness is laced between the words. Sexy. I can feel him breathing on the back of my neck.

"Nothing."

"Something's wrong," he replies.

"It's nothing," I try to assure him. What a big, fat lie. It's everything. It's him. It's me.

It's him.

"Not even you believe that," he mutters. He moves. And then his fingers are in my hair. Puling it out of the elastic. Running through it.

Just ask him, Alice. What's the worst thing he could say?

"Are we..." I bite my lip. Try again. "Are you my boyfriend now?"

Silence. The second the words were out, I wished to take them back. My eyes squeeze shut in anticipation.

"Do I have to be?"

My eyebrows furrow. "What?"

"Do we have to do that? Label it? Can't we just...accept the feelings we have and leave it at that?"

That. That's the worst thing he could say.

My lips part but no words come out. His fingers leave my hair.

"I just...I'm not so sure I want to be in a relationship."

With me.

My chest tightens. It feels like there's a lump stuck in my throat. Too big and impossible to swallow. I couldn't speak. Couldn't bother to make a sound, so instead I nod.

"Yeah," I manage after a few more seconds. "I totally understand."

Except I didn't. I was beginning to feel like I'd never understand.

"Goodnight," I say quickly, ending the conversation.

You're not good enough. You never are.