Alice

15.1

We sat under the large tree, side by side. He was looking out at the scenery. His brown hair blew softly in the wind, but he took no notice. I bit down on my lip, wanting to run my fingers through the mess. I keep my hands on my lap, though, waiting for him to talk.

"Are you cold?" He suddenly asks, turning to look at me.

I am, actually. I should have grabbed a jacket before I left but he looked so upset and I wanted to know why. I nod. He pulls off his jacket and drapes it over my shoulders. I smile.

"Thank you."

He raises his hand and brushes my hair away from my face. "I don't know what I did to make you decide to talk to me. I don't know what you see in me." He presses his forehead against mine. "I'm no one special, Alice. I'm really not. And—"

I hold onto his wrist, halting his movements. "What's wrong, Charlie?"

"I'm selfish."

Furrowing my eyebrows, I pull away to look him in the eyes. "What?"

"You're too good for me."

I shake my head. "I'm not too good for anyone."

"No, Alice." He looks away. "You're too good for me. I know that. But I'm too selfish to let you go. I'm too selfish to leave you alone."

"I don't..." I shake my head, eyebrows furrowing. My fingers loosen from around his wrist and my hand falls in my lap. "Understand."

"I tried, you know? I tried pushing you away, I tried being a dick." He smiled, and it took my breath away. "But that was selfish. I did it, and it hurt you."

"Charlie, what's—"

"But if I don't push you away, that'd be selfish too. I think I'd hurt you more if I was with you than if I wasn't."

"You're not making any sense."

He looked away. "I think I mess everything up. Without really trying to."

"Why did you kiss me, Charlie?"

He looked back at me. For the first time since I met him, he looked at me like he saw me. He didn't look at me like I was annoying or stupid or weird. He looked at me like I was beautiful and it made my heart swell.

"I wanted to."

"What do you want from me?"

Because I had no clue. I didn't know what this meant. I didn't understand what he was saying or why he brought me here.

"I don't know."

It wasn't what I expected, but that's okay. He was being honest.

"Okay. Why are we here?" I gestured around.

He'd driven me to this secluded area almost an hour away from the school. We hadn't really talked much in the car, but I knew he was upset. I knew the second I pulled away from that kiss. I looked around. We were somewhere high up, so I could see the city down below.

"I like it here," he murmured. And then, almost like an afterthought, "and you. I like you, Alice, so you can stop telling your friends I don't."

He smiled to let me know he was just teasing. I didn't know how to respond. It was something I'd ben waiting to hear since I first met him. I like you, Alice... I bit down on my lip to keep the wide grin from spreading across my face. In the end, my facial muscles won out and I was grinning whole-heartedly at him.

"You do?"

"Yeah, stupid." He chuckled and went into his pocket. "So..."

Fuck he's proposing.

It's too soon.

I'll say yes anyway.

I see the box and my heart jumps.

"Yes!" I exclaim without thinking.

He freezes, his hand wrapped around the item. Confusion molds his face. "Yes what?"

My eyes focus on his hand and the rectangular shape in it. Oh my Holy crap.

Fuck Alice, go kill yourself.

He pulls a cigarette and a lighter from the carton and brings it to his lips. "Yes what, Alice?" The cigarette moves as he speaks, trapped between his lips. My eyes widen in embarrassment. His eyes raise until they're locked with mine and his eyebrows furrow as he flicks the lighter. The fire flickers for a moment before remaining steady. He quickly light the end of the cigarette and inhales deeply, before dropping the lighter and exhaling through his nose. The smoke curls around him until it disappears.

"Um...you, uh, said you like me. I was cheering." My face flames. Way to go. Die now please.

He chuckles again. He took another drag of the cigarette. I watched, enchanted by the sight of his cheeks hollowing as he sucked in the toxins. Cigarettes were ugly, deadly little things but he looked flawless with one between his lips.

"You should quit. Smoking," I clarify.

He nods. "I probably should."

"You can start by putting that out and tossing it."

He smiles. "As you wish."

He pressed the cigarette against a tree, snuffing out its light. Then he tosses it away.

"Box too."

"One step at a time, Alice." He murmured, tucking the box back into his pocket. His lips tilt upwards as if something amused him.

"I like your smile," I tell him, because I couldn't think of anything else to say. It was true though. I'd seen it a lot tonight, and I'd committed each one to memory, knowing they were rare occurrences. "It's your best feature, I think."

He tilted his head back. "Hm."

"I think you should smile more often."

"Why do you only see good?" He asks suddenly, his voice taking on a more solemn tone. "The word is filled with bad things. Bad people. Why do you ignore that?"

"I don't."

"Please," he scoffed. "You're perfect, you know? You're nice and cheerful and you see the best in everyone."

I wasn't sure if he meant it as a compliment or not. I didn't like being placed on a pedestal. Especially knowing he couldn't be any more wrong.

"My mom told me she was pregnant," I say, pulling his jacket tighter around me. It smelled like him. "And instead of being happy for her, I found a way to use her pregnancy as another reason to fight with my sister. Instead of being joyful at the thought of having another sibling, I was pissed because they turned my room into a nursery. I'm not perfect. I'm selfish."

HSomething wrapped around my shoulders and it took me a moment to realize it was his arm. He pulled me into him, allowing me to rest my head on his shoulder. I smiled into his jacket.

"I'm selfish too," he said, voice low. Thoughtful. Distant. "Humans are selfish, Alice."

And for some reason, it made me feel better. Because humans are selfish.

I'm only human.