Schizo Styles » 1d

Free Death Trial

When I was little and I thought about my death, I thought I would be old and dying because I was old. I'd have a husband who loved me, five kids, and tons of grandchildren, and possibly great grandchildren that would miss me terribly. I never imagined it would be because my father told me to walk into the middle of the road as a car sped over a hill and straight into me.

I had to admit, though, I felt peaceful. I felt like everything in my head had finally left and I was just me. It was just Sydney in there, not Hal and Tuesday and Maxee and Harry and Lola and every other thing I'd ever seen. There were no gunmen that would shoot me in front of an Abercrombie, there were no mega soda bombs made from my mom's plumbing system; just peace. I partly hated myself for openly admitting it, but I loved death.

Everything was white and bright and warm. Not like hot, but just comfortable. I felt like I was floating. I felt like nothing could hurt me or touch me. That is, until I started seeing things again. But I didn't think they were in my head; it was like they were their own persons. My head felt less clustered, so they must've been out.

"You like it here, don't you?" Hal asked with a genuine smile. I didn't know where she came from, but now wasn't the time to question that.

I looked around and nodded to myself. "Yeah," I replied quietly. "I do."

"Don't you want to stay?" she asked as Tuesday made his way over to my leg and rubbed against it.

I looked back at her. "Aren't I?"

"You can come back," Harry said from behind me. I turned and saw him walking towards us. "You're going to leave, but you can come back."

"What are you talking about?" I questioned.

I felt something tugging at my pants. I looked down and saw Maxee standing there, her sewn up mouth turned into a frown. She put her hands in front of her and moved her arms from side to side, telling me to ignore them.

"Sydney," Hal said, pulling my attention to her. I looked up and saw her blue eyes were bright and wide, a smile creeping on her face. "You're free here."

"Free?" I repeated.

"Your head belongs to you, kid," Harry explained. "We're out. You're not seeing things. Well, you still kind of are, but not in the same way."

"You're a special kind of schizophrenic." Hal interrupted.

"What? Special?"

"Now's not the time for questions," Harry said, gripping my shoulders and spinning me to the left so I was looking at him. "Do you want to stay or not?"

"Is this what death looks like?" I inquired.

"Yes," he nodded, a half smile spreading on his face. "You'll be free, Sydney. Isn't that what you've wanted? No people in your mind, no one thinking you're a freak, no Percy, no worries. Sydney, I know you want this."

I looked at the ground, then looked to my left. I noticed a girl walking towards us in a white dress that flowed down to just above her knees. Her brown, wavy hair flowed behind her. As she got closer, I recognized her as Lola. A smile spread across her face as she saw who I was.

"Sydney, what are you doing here?" she investigated, pulling my away from Harry and into a hug.

"I- I don't know," I replied. "I got hit by a car. I'll be leaving soon, I think," I pulled away to look at her. Although I was older, she was still almost my height. The top of her head reached my eyebrows. "Lola, I don't know what to do. Do I come back, or stay there."

Lola looked down with her mouth pressed into a straight line. It took her a moment of humming to herself before she answered. I recognized the song. It was one Louis used to sing to Wendy when she was smaller. I assumed he sang it to Lola, too, when she was alive for those two short days. It was Diana. I'd listened to that song a couple of times when I felt bad about myself. I hated to admit it, but I liked some of my dad's and uncle's music. But that song, I could connect to in some ways.

"For me," Lola began, still looking down. "I didn't have a choice. I do like it here, but I wish I was with my family. I liked sitting with you in the living room that one night because it made me feel like everyone else saw me," Lola looked up at me. "But your situation is different than mine. You have a choice that you can make. You like it here because your mind is free; you're yourself. But that's all you'll have. Down there, you have Theo, your uncles, and the things in your head. I know you don't like seeing things in your head, so it's your choice. I think you should do whatever you think you should do."

"I think..." I began, and then actually stopped to think. I could stay here in the endless white and warmth with no one but myself and the people I see in my head, but have no one actually in my head; or I could go back to the cruel world and have about six people, plus everything in my head, and continue to be considered a freak of nature. I had to say, being alone is the worst thing for me. Plus, I knew Theo and my uncles would be upset, as well as my mom. I was pretty much all she had right now. My decision was made. "I think I'll go back. I can't be alone no matter how terrible my life is. I just can't do it."

The light started getting dimmer as I saw Lola smile and take her steps back towards Harry. Harry, on the other hand, looked incredibly upset. Before he completely faded, I heard him say, "You wouldn't have been alone, Sydney. You'd never be alone."