Learning to Fall

20: Lightsaber

I told Ben everything.

I told him about how my personality had completely changed once I had gotten to high school and that I wasn't that nice, shy middle school girl he had known so many years ago. I explained to him how I became cheer-leading captain, after only being on the team for one year. I told him about my rise to the top: the most popular girl in the school, the most like person--the girl everyone wanted to know.

And then I told him about how Tyler had asked me out after the freshman homecoming dance and how we had remained a couple until just a few months ago.

I recounted the story of how we won our homecoming football game, of how I planned a celebration for the team and the cheerleaders.

And I told him about the storm.

I told him how irrational and stubborn I had been at the time. I restated all the horrible things I had said to my parents that night. And then I told him about the phone call that began my quick descent from the throne I worked so hard to obtain.

I told him about the funeral. I told him about the custody case. I told him about the party.

When I recounted the story of how Tyler had used me and left me, I saw his cheeks flush with anger.

"He should have been reported," he said. "You should have reported him, Ren," he told me, his eyes angry.

"There wasn't any point," I said.

"He took your virginity without your consent," he said.

"I gave him consent," I replied.

"You were drunk," he fought back.

"I was sober enough to know what I was doing," I said.

"You were vulnerable," he retorted. This time, I had nothing else to say. Because I had been. He was right.

"It doesn't matter now. It happened a while ago," I said quietly, looking down at my lap. My eyes followed the floral patter of my dress. I felt Ben grab my shoulders, forcing me to look at him.

"You should have told me," he said, his voice tender and soft. His gaze locked with mine and I was unable to look away.

"We drifted, Ben..." I replied.

"You told my parents," he said.

"My relatives told your parents," I corrected.

"But you told them not to tell me," he added.

"I didn't want you to know," I said.

"Why, Renee? Why not? I could have helped you--" he started.

"How Ben? How could you have helped me? How can anyone possibly help me?" I asked, my voice getting a little loud. I felt hot tears sting at the corners of my eyes.

"I killed them, Ben. It was me. It was all my fault. Every time I look at Mikey, I feel so guilty, because it's my fault he doesn't have a mother and father anymore; my fault that he cries for his parents; my fault that he wishes to get them back but he won't get them back. They're never coming back. Never. And it's all my fault..." I cried, my voice shaking from emotion.

I didn't know why I was crying now. I hadn't cried when I told Aiden my story. But I guess this was different. Aiden was still somewhat of a stranger to me. Ben was my friend. He was my best friend.

And just like a good friend should do, he pulled me close in a secure embrace. He rubbed the back of my head with a gentle hand and whispered that everything would be all right into my ear. I felt him plant a soft kiss on the side of my head.