Convincing You I'm Me

Chapter 46: Four Days

I S L A

My eyes flutter open calmly and casually. My first instinct, as it has always been, is to give out a long stretch and yawn. I crinkle my toes at the end of my bed, pushing myself further up the headboard like a sunbathing lion. 

My second instinct, is to watch the sun's rays beam through my blinds. It isn't as strong at this time of year, so half of my room is still coated in a wavy darkness, but my eyes adjust automatically--as though the light is trying to make a point. 

Only then, do I realize why I'm feeling differently this morning. Every morning, after my stretch, I gaze at that window in sadness, staring at the light for so long that it sends me back to sleep. This time, there is a smile on my face, there is a shiver running down my body, there is a reason to wake up, to roll over, to alert myself further.

Jason is turned away from me, with his shoulders rolling a little as he breathes heavily. I run my fingers along his shoulder, to the edge of his neck, up to his jaw, and back again. I repeat this notion like a compulsion. 

The kiss in the hallway was nothing compared to what happened after it. We lost our minds, we took things to a completely new level, a level that even in our previous lifetime we wouldn't have reached. His body is still strong, still flexed, still everything I'm used to embracing. Our antics were that of animals. Animals that have been confined to cages for twenty years; imprisoned, beaten, tortured, isolated--and then finally set free.

For him, it was everything he had been afraid of facing. It took a lot for him to open his heart to me completely, to trust in what can't in any way be logical, considering he's a logical person. It took even more for him to sleep with me, to jump from infliction to passion. To be able to touch me, kiss me, collide with me, and not see me as the stranger he had pictured in his mind beforehand. 

For me, it was the happiest moment of my entire existence, and the most painful. This body hadn't been touched before, it hadn't been taken, it hadn't been explored like that. Mentally, I was experienced in everything I knew was coming, but physically, it felt as though I was being ripped apart. 

Eventually, I ignored it. And over the night, Jason felt that ignorance at full force.

The movement of my fingers comes to an end as he murmurs something and starts to turn over. He blinks several times, gently looking over my face with a soft expression of tiredness. 

"Good. . . morning." he whimpers, closing his eyes again.

I place my hand at the curve of his jaw. "Morning."

He smiles from my touch, opening his eyes again which remain open this time. "If you're trying to seduce me, you might want to wait a few minutes."

I groan, hitting his shoulder. "Not everything is about seduction."

"Sure it's not."

I drop my eyes, moving my hand to fall onto his arm sadly. 

"What are you thinking about?" he asks.

"How happy I am," I smile, keeping my eyes down. "How lifelike you seem."

"For a doll?" he chuckles.

I bite on my lip. "Mhm. You've always been an image to me, a vision. Just a story in my head. You've never been real."

"I think last night was a bit more than a story," he whispers, provoking a shameful giggle from me. "It was surprisingly real."

"Surprisingly." I mimic, darting my eyes up. "There were a lot of surprises."

He studies my eyes, searching for something he can't find. "What is it? What's wrong?" 

I want to tell him the reason that I'm finding this incredibly heart-breaking, but I just can't do it. I already had to say goodbye to my twin and that broke me apart. I don't think I can survive telling him goodbye, because I've never done it before. I had to leave him, I died, but I wasn't aware of my final moments with him. We never said the words.

I don't even know what the words could possibly be for that, I have no understanding of how to explore the English language for a way to express my final departure. 

With him, every time I breathe, I feel brand new. I feel like I'm discovering this world all over again. I feel cleansed with a hope that can't be there. 

That hope is real--it's the only thing that can be real. It flutters around my stomach like a butterfly, waiting for the right moment to burst through. I want to believe in hope, I want to trust that in five more days, I will wake up to the sun rising and Jason still breathing beside me. That those crimson, hazel eyes will greet me in the same way that they just did. 

But, that is never going to happen. In four days; I don't know how, I don't know when, I don't know where, but I will be wiped from the world once more.

I manage a smile at Jason, pushing the words to the back of my mind. "Nothing. Like I said, I'm happy."

He smiles back. "Happy enough to see our children tonight?"

I take a deep breath, knowing this is my one and only chance. "Okay."

"Okay."

+ + +

The dinner party, as predicted, is being held at the Dog's Bone. I spend the entire day wrapped in anxiety. I bite on my nails as I watch the clock, I pour and devour some shots of rum as I watch it some more. It is like watching the clock of my life, every tick is my heart beat, getting closer and closer to the end. To the final time. 

I choose a black, slim dress that hides my chest but leaves my legs exposed. I touch my face up with make-up, I curl my hair so it shortens it to drop just below my shoulders. I pick out some silver heels that glisten with sparkles, then I change them to black heels that glisten like sparkles. The sparkles give me a headache, so I change them to heels that don't sparkle, they look too bland so I change them back. 

I do this process for around twenty minutes, until I'm so tipsy from the rum that I don't even pay attention to the heels I'm wearing when the door knocks. My body jolts to life, and I break out into a dance as I exit my bedroom. 

I glance at the clock again as I skip to the door, it's just turned six, he's right on time. I open the door with a large, excited smile--expecting to meet Jason's smile in return.

My smile fades.

In my doorway, stands the one person that I never wanted to see again. Especially today, especially now. The groundskeeper lifts his huge, black hood back over his head and stares at me with a blank expression that ignites fear into my bones. He is a fairly old man, with a few strands of grey hair left and small, burrowed brown eyes. 

"Expecting someone?" he says, raising his left eyebrow.

I swallow, my hand becomes sweaty as I fight to keep it around the handle. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to stop you from doing something you're going to regret."