Convincing You I'm Me

Chapter 27: Flash Back

A few days after the accident, the doctors finally brought me out of the coma that they induced me into. It was strange how, even though I had been sleeping for so long, I felt the most exhausted I had ever felt in my life. Like I hadn't been dreaming. My mother was the first person that I saw, she hovered over me with a cry.  

"It's okay," she said. "You're in the hospital, you're going to be okay."

I wanted to speak, but there was something stuck down my throat. I needed to know what the extent of the damage was, I needed to know if Lily was alright, I needed to know why I couldn't feel my legs. I needed to know why their eyes were plagued with sadness and not relief. But I was too tired, so I listened to the beep of the machine and went back into a dreamless sleep.

A few hours later, I woke up again. I was less exhausted than before, but it still took a few tries until I could manage to keep my eyes open. Once again, I saw my parents. My father was asleep in the corner and my mother's head leaned on his shoulder, her face turned away from me, but she was most likely asleep too. 

I peered around the room hastily and then I saw her. Lily stood at the window in the hospital hallway, bouncing up and down slowly with tears streaming down her face. She waved to me but I just stared at her, unable to give a reaction. She stared at my parents for a moment and then creaked the door open, quietly tip-toeing to my bedside.

"Jason," she cried. "Can you understand me?"

I nodded gently, feeling my neck strain.

"Do you know who I am?"

I nodded.

"They didn't know if you'd have any lasting damage," she said, she sat at the edge of my bed and she took my hand, crying as she looked at me. "I'm so sorry. This was all my fault. I'm so sorry."

I managed to push some feeling into my fingers and I tightened them around hers, to try and let her know that it's not. 

"Do you remember what happened?" she asked.

I nodded. There were bits and pieces missing from my memory, but I could remember the overall jist of it all. She stumbled into the road and I pushed her out of the way, I remembered the impact annihilating my body.  I remembered that all clearly, but what was I doing before that?

Me and Lily were broken up, so why was we together? It didn't make sense to me.

"When they brought you into the hospital, they were saying all these words, words that I didn't understand. I ran after them as they pushed you across the hallway, and you were unconscious and. . . I have never been so scared, Jason. Never. We all thought we was going to lose you, they weren't telling us anything. Travis and Matt got your parents and they couldn't even look at me. I was ordered to sober up and we all waited. We waited for so long. And the doctor came into the waiting room and. . ."

She gasped out, wiping so many tears and then she squeezed my hand. "They said that you had a fractured spine and a bleed on your brain. They said that they were taking you into emergency theater and to brace ourselves. We didn't know if you'd make it out alive."

I listened to every word, my breaths becoming spaced. Watching her cry was killing me, I hated seeing her upset. She was never upset, she was always happy. The mask of shame and guilt she wore around her face didn't belong to her. I wanted to melt it away.

"It was all my fault," she broke down. "I shouldn't have got that drunk. You saved my life. You almost died because of me. Why would you do that?" she demanded. "You should have let the car hit me, Jason, it should be me in that bed. I'm so mad at you for doing that! And I'm mad at myself, I'm more mad at myself, but I'm so mad with you," she takes short, aching breaths as though she's having a panic attack. "I'm grateful, don't think I'm not grateful. It's just so hard not to be angry at you, I have all this anger and I can't shake it. It should be me."