My Online Diary

Track records of a rollercoaster

2nd July 2016

You know how you are on a rollercoaster and you are at the top and you know its about to drop and your stomach will flip everywhere? Sometimes that is what life is like. You can see that something bad is about to happen but you can't change what is about it happen. It sucks and sometimes you need to fall to realise how far you have slipped away from reality. 

So since the last time i posted i told you how i liked smith 1 who i will now tell you that his name was Campbell and blondie smith 3 is Boaz..... well that is one interesting story. He ended up not being who i thought he was. Also i haven't posted for about 4 months and a lot can happen in 4 months. To sum it up in a short time, Campbell and me weren't being close anymore and he ignored me and never messaged me. I thought if you liked someone you would want to talk to them right? At this point i had made friends with people at church. Hazeldean and Josh. Hazeldean is an adult with 2 young kids, she is a powerhouse. I love how no matter what she gets anything done. I met Josh when i first started coming to youth but i am not sure i have talked about him on here before. Anyway so Courtney and i have made friends with them and so we have spent a lot of time with them. Josh started talking to me about March of April. I would always talk to him about Campbell even though he isn't good at giving advice. He is pretty good at venting to because he doesn't say anything. Anyway so Hazeldean asked me about mid april if i liked Josh. I didn't lie to her i said i didn't. When i first came to youth about 2 years ago i did but he played me a bit and he ended up ignoring so i am pretty surprised him and me started talking again. So that night when i got home i thought about why she would have asked me if i did and i realised that i did have feelings for him. 

I thought this was bad because you can't like 2 guys at once because you obviously didn't like the first one in the first place then. Which in my case was correct. I stepped back and looked at Campbell soon saw that i only wanted him because he is what i thought i was supposed to want. A perfect little christian boy, but in reality we didn't have that much alike in any way so we weren't going to work well together anyway. 

I didn't know how to handle this so i inboxed Campbell asking him if he still liked me and you know what he said? That he never liked me? like what the heck? Did he not remember our multiple conversations we had about him liking me? Anyway that night i had plans with Josh to go shopping with him because he needed a white shirt for his brothers wedding. I told him everything that happened with Campell. I knew he didn't like me. You how you like someone but you know they don't like you so you ignore and suppress your feelings for them, that was me. We went to the shops and had fun, wasn't too interesting. We got back to the car and i didn't want to go home yet so he started driving. I had no clue where we were, we were in the middle of nowhere on some random road but he seemed to know where we were going. 

Next thing  know we have stopped and we are at the top of a secluded mountain, it was absolutely stunning and i wish i had taken photos of it. We laid down on the grass and just looked up at the stars, at that point i was expecting him to try and kiss me or make a move..... but he didn't. I totally thought he was a like repulsed by me or something. It got cold so we sat back in his car, we talked about his previous girlfriends from the church, how he had pretty much played them all..... that didn't scare me at all (Note the sarcasm). Remember Jacob? well he had definetley killed any ounce of trust i had in me so hearing this freaked me out about liking him. On the way home i asked him if he liked anyone at church and he said no so that reconfirmed the fact he did not like me. He dropped me home and he told me when he got home, i once again re asked him if he liked anyone from church and this time he said yes. I can honestly say that my chest was pounding really loudly, so i asked who it was and he said me. This was one of those moments when you think it is a practical joke that your friends were playing on you bu it wasn't. He actually liked me. I was so scared he would do to me what campbell did to me that i screenshotted the messages so i had proof that he said it and that i wasn't crazy. 

A month goes by and he hasn't asked me out or anything, but he messages me everyday and i mean everyday no matter what. Nothing cute it was usually just normal talking so i asked him if he will ever make a move and he said that he might. Another few weeks go by and i needed a ride home from night church because so Josh offered. He drove me to the beach so we sat there for a bit and talked, i swear we just talked. I still have my virginity people. His car has a wagon on the back so we sat in the back just chatting away, then he asks me if he can kiss me. I flat out said no straight away, then he asked would my answer had been different if he was my boyfriend i said yes. Long story short i went home single, but left the house the next day taken. 

We have hit the mini milestone of 1 month now and everything seems to be going great, we had our first argument the day before our 1 month but we sorted that out. Can i just say guys can be really confusing and frustrating, but if you don't have any of that then how do you know if what you have is real or all for show? 

I swear today is blast from my past because in the midst a few hours i have gotten 2 snapchats from 2 guys who i used to have a close thing with. Remember Isaiah? yep, one is from him, i have not spoke to him since 2015..... it is the 2nd of July 2016 and the other is from jay who met at YFC camp where i met Tyler. You may be wondering what they have sent to me but the honest answer is that i don't know because i haven't opened it. I don't want to, i don't want to know what they have got to say because i am happy where i am with Josh and i don't want anything ruining that because i know once i see what they want to say then something bad will happen somehow, it always does. 

It has been a crazy rollercoaster for me, i was kicked off stage for a few weeks because i wasn't being a good role model to the young teenagers and i agree. I needed the kick up the bum to see what i had been doing was wrong, i am back to singing now and it is like i never stopped singing, but i did enjoy looking at the stage from the view o the audience. Stuff with my family hasn't been easy at all lately, i am struggling with mums boyfriend Gabe. He doesn't help be an example to me and my siblings, i am the role model in my family because the adults aren't. 

My life is slowly getting back on track and i am a much more experienced person than i was at the start of the year. What helped me was to reminding myself to be a positive person, it is easier said than done and you reading can agree with me on that. Just remember that no mattter how much you cry or harm yourself that there is tomorrow and you can always stop no matter how hard it is, nothing and no one can control you.

Have an amazing week and i will see you all next time that i update x