The night is waning, daylight just about piercing through the veil of hazy cloud on the horizon. I sit by the ward window, my legs hanging limply over the bedside, listening to the dawn chorus as it becomes evident over the whirring of the extractor fan in the ceiling.
My ear picks out the gentle twittering of a sparrow, the shrill shriek of a black bird and the tuneful trill of a wren. I used to be fascinated with wildlife, yet I haven't been outside for almost two months. Not since the night on the bridge. I miss the light caress of wind on my cheek and the unparalleled feeling of freedom that used to overpower me as I looked out across an open expanse of countryside.
Yet today I have more to think of then mournful reminiscence. Today Lauren and I will be meeting Cole again.
I know that I shouldn't let my hopes get like this, but I almost feel like we are on the verge of something that could change the course of our lives altogether. It is stupid, reckless, yet it is like we are teetering on the edge of a great abyss, and maybe today we will manage to gain enough momentum to finally fall.
People always think of falling as a bad think, as something you do when all other options have failed you. I guess that's true, really- I mean my life up to this point has failed me. Yet now that is the case, the prospect of falling seems full of relief, as if the pain can finally be left behind. I can finally fall into the future, into something better, into something that doesn't involve fear or hatred. Something that doesn't involve my mother.
When I am with Cole it feels like this could all be possible. Like my crazy life might finally be resolved. Lauren, too. She helps me to realise that people are not all like my mother, lives don't all have to be like the one I have been living- if only we can work something out. Together.
And so, as the sun rises in the sky, I feel my spirits rising with it, floating into a place of optimism and hope. I stare down at my battered body, frail and weak, and hope that my strength will return. I gaze around at the confines of the ward and hope that soon I can escape into the world. I focus on the check up rota pinned to the staff notice board and hope that my name will soon be firmly crossed off it.
My whole being is consumed with this hope, as if it is a physical embodiment, circling me in a warm embrace.
It takes all my willpower to stay quiet and reserved, seated at the window. I try not to be too conspicuous yet all I can think about is Cole and it sends my mind into turmoil. The way his gangly frame somehow fits perfectly into an embrace. The way his words roll into one another as he whispers. The way his presence both calms me down and sends my heart racing all at the same time.
My limbs feel wired. Like coiled springs poised for all these lethargic days, ready to spring when Lauren comes to get me. At first, I feel nothing but anticipation. But then the fear starts to kick in again.
No matter how positive I feel inside myself, the anxious darkness always finds a way to surface.
I imagine what would happen if Lauren changed her mind about helping us, or if one of the senior nurses found out what she is doing, and a cold shiver runs through me.
I try to tell myself to stop, that everything is going to be okay. But it's no good. My arms encircle my waist, squeezing my ribs in an effort to bring myself back to reality as I rock from side to side on the bed, feeling the darkness creep inwards. I start to imagine the scenario getting even worse. I picture my mother finding us together, her rage, her blind fury culminating in a vicious act of violence. I see Cole lying in a crimson pool of blood and me crouched over him. Powerless.
As much as I tell myself to end this, my thoughts are met by a steel blockade of panic. Nothing is helping, I am losing control. I begin to rock faster and faster on the bed, my mind whirling in a scarlet haze of blood and nightmares, my breathing sharp and harsh.
The nurses are going to notice. They won't let me go. They will find out. They will tell my mother. She will hurt me. She will hurt Cole. She will come. She will-
"Jasmine! Jasmine! Calm down, it's me- Lauren. I am here, it's okay. Just breath. Slowly. In and out. Come on, Jasmine. Come back, it's okay."
As she speaks, Lauren hurries over to my bed. She places an around my shoulder and gently squeezes me to her, murmuring my name under her breath.
Slowly, I begin to stop rocking and breath in Lauren's sweet scent, my face pressed against her chest.
"I'm sorry," I whisper, my lips muffled by her soft nurse's blouse, "There isn't anything wrong. It just came and I couldn't stop it."
"What came, Jasmine?"
"The darkness."
"Oh Jasmine. It will be okay. You will be okay, you and Cole will both be okay. Come on, let's go and speak to him, we can work something out."
"Do you think we can?" I whisper.
"We can." Lauren states, her voice firm and decisive. "There is nothing to 'think' about."
Author's Note-
So, if anyone reads these notes (I don't even know!!) then I have a couple of announcements.
First of all, as usual, please comment your thoughts about this chapter and don't hold back any feedback- I really love hearing from you!
Secondly, I have decided (with some input from @TheAdictOfBooks ♥) to enter this book into the wattys. I know it hasn't got that many votes, but I thought I might give it a go at least! Your support would really mean a lot!
Love to you all,
AutumnSwift1
♥❤♥❤❤♥❤♥
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The World Is Worth A Smile
RomanceA turbulent past full of violence and fear has meant that Jasmine Hope Barness can't see past the terror around her. But when an attempted suicide fails, and the ghosts from her childhood begin to rise up again, can she be persuaded not to try again...
