Ashley~
"Okay. Who is hotter? Miranda or Jinx in Die Another Day?" my friend Jeff asked.
"Easy. Miranda." Paige answered while reading a comic book.
"I agree." Jeff said. "Let's see. Can't ask Cal, because he's married... Can't ask Ash, because he'll say Sarah Beth. Just you and me, buddy."
Paige kept reading. "Sure."
I met Jeff after my first few years of school. He had been expelled from an old one for reasons unknown. Nevertheless, we became fast friends. He often was around his girlfriend. His girlfriend often changed every other day. Jeff usually smooths his blond hair back before messing with the tuft on his chin. He says that it makes girls go bonkers.
"Ashley, my friend," Cal said, entering the room with a slice of pizza. "you have been combing your nest for over an hour. Can't we get some practice in?" I met Cal when I first began school. He was brilliant. He was an Internet entrepreneur by the time we were through with college. He made a site for transposing and selling music much faster than any other way.
"Cal, my friend," I said. "Practice makes me sweat. Sweat falls on my shirt, and I have a sweat stain. I cannot mess this up."
"Which king are you visiting?"
"Shut up, Jeff." I laughed. "No. We're going to Tom Aikens. Sarah Beth doesn't know yet.
Paige's eyes widened. "Tom Aikens. So you two are going to be homeless together?"
"Nah, I have money saved up."
"You sure are treating this chick." Jeff said apprehensively. "You don't really even know her."
"Are you one to talk?" Paige asked.
"Hey. I give girls a week to ensure they aren't psycho." Jeff lit up. "Hey, what if this girl's a psycho? She could kill you."
"That's bull."
"Hey. Have you ever seen Misery? Crazy stuff, man. The woman maims herself and others."
"Well, she does have scars on her hands."
Jeff jumped. "Dear. God. Next thing you know, she'll cut your foot off."
"Actually," Paige said. "She breaks his ankles with a sledgehammer in the book.'
"There was a book?"
Paige frowned. "It said 'Based on the novel by Stephen King' at the beginning!"
"Oh. Well, I had to pee during the opening credits. Let me borrow the book sometime.
"Guys! She doesn't have the stomach to kill and maim." I sighed. "She puked from a Wimpy Bender. Besides, the scars look like words."
"Oh. She's probably a witch." Paige said.
There was a long pause. "No. She's really weird. She's not used to everyday things."
"Wiccan. They're close to nature."
Jeff laughed. "You just freak over that one Wiccan you dumped. You dumped her the day after meeting when you found out, so you don't know anything about them."
"She put a curse on me!"
"Like what?"
No answer.
"Huh. She probably shrunk him."
"NO SHE DIDN'T!"
Call stepped in. "I don't think they do that. She probably made his crops fail."
"Uh, same thing."
"Or made his livestock infertile."
"Ha! You're making it too easy now!"
I was aggravated. "Off subject!"
"Oh!" Jeff said. "His foundation weakened, and his structure sank into the earth!"
I smiled. "That one was pretty funny.
"Stop it." Paige said.
"What? Oh, I know." Jeff sneered. "She probably turned you into a girl."
"That's it!" Paige grabbed my comb and flung it at Jeff.
"Paigina!!!" Jeff stood up and dodged the comb. "But yeah, there has to be another reason. Either that or she's ex-Wiccan. Maybe she's American. That would explain her ignorance."
"Or it was aliens!" Paige said. "And they messed up her mind!"
"Did you date one of those, too?" I said.
Jeff answered. "Yeah he did. She dumped him after he refused to let her probe him."
"Can you make a joke that isn't... that?" Paige asked.
"Nope."
My watch beeped. 5:30. "I have to go! Is my hair-"
"Fine." Cal said.
"Clothes?"
"Stainless." Cal answered.
"Stubble?" I felt my chin.
"Magnificent." Paige said. "Now go."
I hurried to my car. Ready to pick up my... possibly American... psycho... alien abductee... that used to be a Wiccan.
I had to ask her some things.
