Convincing You I'm Me

Chapter 27: Flash Back

I squeezed her hand tighter, trying to show her with my eyes that I didn't blame her. It was my own choice to push her out of the way, it was my own choice to sacrifice myself. And besides, I was alive, wasn't I? She might not had been so lucky. Just the thought of having to watch her small, fragile body slam into the car made my heart accelerate. I don't think I would have done it for anyone else. I'd like to believe I could be that selfless, but when push came to shove, I would have just frozen. She mentioned something about Travis and Matt, and I started to slightly remember them being there. There was a fight of some kind. Were they fighting? Did one of them push her into the road while I tried to break it up?

Lily looked across to the machine aimlessly, she held in a large breath and exhaled it while her lips shook. "I should get a doctor. Let them know you're awake. Your parents want to speak to you. I've done enough damage here. I just want you to know that I've been here everyday, I've sat by your side and talked to you for days. They said that people in comas might be able to recognize the person's voice, so I laid on you all the anger and I told you that you better wake up because I'm not finished with you yet. I feel so guilty. I understand if you never want to speak to me again. I understand if you hate me. But you can't hate me more than I hate myself. I'm talking too much, aren't I? I'm over-whelming you. I'm sorry. 

"I have to go," she continued. "You won't want me here. Honestly, I never thought I'd have the strength to say goodbye to you, but I need to find it. It's just so hard because. . . because I love you so much. I love you so much that it hurts. It hurts and I can't stop it and I hate you for that." She finally looked down to me, biting on her bottom lip that trembled as she spoke. "You were everything to me, everything, and you let us go! You didn't fight for us, you didn't tell me how stupid I was for believing-" She stopped herself, swallowing that down. "I waited for you. I was mad at you but I waited for you and you never came. You never came, Jason."

I watched helplessly as she tore herself apart, replaying what happened all those months ago over in her head. I had no idea she was waiting for me, I had no idea she wanted me to fight. I was too caught up in my own anger issues that I was prepared to lose her for it. And right then, at that moment, I realized I never wanted to lose her again. 

"I know you can't speak to defend yourself, but I can't do it anymore. I can't sit here beside you, knowing that I've ruined everything and be okay with it. You're going to hear something, and I can't be here when that happens. Just know that I'm sorry, I am so sorry. I wish we could go back to how we were."

I wish that too, I thought. 

"But it's too late. Thank you, for loving me. But I have to go. And you have to let me go. I'm so sorry."

My eyes widened in confusion as she lifted herself up from the bed and the tone of her voice made me suddenly afraid. Was she telling me goodbye, for good? 

No. That wasn't happening, it wasn't possible. I demanded my body to work, I fought hard against the tube in my throat to be able to speak, to tell her I forgave her, that I loved her, that I always loved her--that nothing she could ever say or do to me could change that. 

But it was too late. 

Lily opened the door, and she vanished.

+ + +

A few hours after the doctor had observed me and my parents were wide awake, leaning over me with pretense smiles, the tube was finally removed from my throat. It was sore for a while, and I couldn't speak properly for ages, but then I finally managed to bring out a whisper.

"L-Lily."

"She's gone home to get some rest," my mother replied quietly. "She's not slept in days. The police were hanging around and she gave them a statement. She told them it was her fault and she had fell into the road and you pushed her out of the way. They'll be coming back to speak to you."

"You just need to focus on getting better," my father said. "We've called everyone to let them know you've come round. Travis is coming to see you tomorrow if you're up to it."

I nodded. "I-I can't. . . feel my legs."

"That's completely normal for recovery," the female doctor said from the bottom of my bed. She was a tall woman with black skin and frizzy hair. "You suffered a serious fracture to your Lumbar, we've managed to correct the displacement through surgery. It may take a few days, some times it could be a few weeks until the feeling comes back."

"And. . . my head." I muttered. I could feel that it was bandaged, I could feel that they had cut it open to operate on it. Lily said I had a bleed on my brain, had they corrected that too?

My parents' faces told me everything I needed to know in that moment. I glared at them, as the doctor took a large breath.

"I'll leave you to talk," she said. She exited the room and I turned my attention to my parents.

"Mum," I whispered. "Tell me."

"The bleed on your brain wasn't caused from the accident," she said. "It was caused from blunt-force trauma from your boxing match."

I gasped, the boxing match. I suddenly remembered. It was my victory match, I won it. I was into internationals. 

"The doctors said that it was the accident that caused a brain hemorrhage. We gave the consent for them to operate. You are so lucky to be alive. They said to prepare for the worst, because the damage was so bad. The odds of you coming out of theater alive were a million to one," my father told me.

"In a twisted way, the accident saved you," my mother said. "The bleed on your brain would have worsened and it might had been too late."

"What does that mean?" I said quietly. "For me?"

My mother looked away and my father rubbed her shoulder, he said it for her. "It means that any future blows to your head, including a punch, can kill you instantly."

"N-no," I blurted out. "I-I got into internationals."

"We know." My father smiled. "And we are so proud of you."

My mother held her mouth as she cried to herself. My father consoled her, rubbing her shoulder as she trembled. I just glanced at the window, letting the shock run currents through my broken, bruised life form. 

In that moment, I thought everything was over. I thought my life as I knew it was over. 

But it was just the beginning.