So you know how one of my best friends is mad at me? Well, I tried texting her again yesterday. It was like this.
Me: Can we talk?
Her: Why?
Me: Because I'm sorry, and I fucking hate this, and I miss you
Her: I know. I just need some time, okay?
Me: Okay?
This happned during my sixth period yesterday, during the last 5min of class, which was free time. I was sitting in the corner, listening to What A Catch, Donnie, because I was so fucking depressed. I was literally on the verge of tears.
Then it was time to go. Instead of getting on the bus immediately, I went to hug two of my friends, and it did not fucking help. I ended up getting closer to crying.
Then I saw one of my friends (we'll call her C) sitting wih her head down by herself. I knew something was wrong, so I went to go talk to her, only when I tried comforting her, she ended up being the one to try and comfort me. Literally, the moment I tried saying anything, I ended up crying. Then I had to go, because I was going to miss my ride. I cried half the way home, listening to depressing songs that make me cry.
I've only cried three times previously this year. Now I've cried four, and this time, for a really, really stupid reason. Not to mention in front of someone I was trying to be strong for because I knew C had real problems, unlike me. I'm so ashamed of myself.
I'm supposed to be strong, courageous, witty, intelligent, wise, outgoing, and constantly upbeat. Instead, I nearly completely lost my shit yesterday? Why? Because my best friend hates me. My two ex-best friends — no matter how hard I try to make an effort to make amends — still hate me. My best friend has another best friend who hates me for absolutely no reason.
Yesterday, I looked around at everyone in my favourite class, which is all freshman, btw. I couldn't spot a single friend. More than anything, I hate being alone. But that's how I felt, because that's exactly what I was. Alone. I know I always try to put out good vibes, and be upbeat and happy and super sweet, but in all honesty, while I am a fairly happy person, much of it is an act. My smiles hide the pain. I opt for laughter instead of tears. I try to find love where there's hate. In reality, though, I'n a pathetic emo scum with absolutely no friends. And the worst part is that instead of staying strong and holding my head up high, I lost it and cried.
I'm so ashamed.
