I wish R had never mattered to me. I wish we'd never met. I wish I'd never known what it felt like to have someone understand me on such a deep, personal level. I wish he'd never seen me cry. I wish we'd never met. Why why why why why.
I know what you're thinking. You're probably like, "OMG WHY IS PHOENIX STILL HUNG UP ON RYAN THEY DATED FOR LIKE FOUR DAYS AND IT WASN'T EVEN REAL DATING BECAUSE THEY MET ONLINE AND I BET HE WASN'T EVEN THAT HOT OR NICE WHAT THEY HAD WAS SHIT AND ALSO IT'S LITERALLY BEEN LIKE 5 MONTHS SINCE HEY BROKE UP"
Well, excuse me ladies, gents, queers, agenders, genderfluids, and demigenders, but I actually knew him for a good week and a half. And you know what? That time period was one of the best times periods of my LIFE. I was so fucking happy. I was over the fucking moon. I loved him. The moments I wasn't talking to him, he was on my mind. When I was talking to him, my inner sushine shined brighter than the sun. I was smiling and blushing and giggling and argh I was just on top of the world (except for that one time I came to him crying because I was really upset about none of your business [sorry lol]). He always knew how to make me smile and blush and laugh. Always. He always knew what to say and what to do. He knew me better than most people do. And I knew him so damn well, too. We exchanged so many secrets and memories and basically everything.
Then one night, it was all over. He dumped me (and I really don't want to relive how, so I'm not going to say how). But I felt like my world was crumbling. I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was dying. The one person that understood me like no one else was breaking up with me?! INCONCEIVABLE. UNFATHOMABLE. UNACCEPTABLE. Yet it wasn't. Because there he was, saying it was over. And there I was, sobbing until I fell asleep. What did I do wrong? Why did he suddenly hate me? I loved him. It was horrible. That week was the worst. I was angry. I was irratable. I didn't want to do my homework. Why bother? There would be nothing to look forward after. No one to stay up Skyping with. No one to tell about every aspect of my day and more. No one to rant to. No one to discuss my future with. No one to take me seriously. No one to make me blush like crazy. No one to make me smile or laugh. No one to love me. No one to love.
The week after, I forced myself to put on a brave face. I smiled and laughed and did my school work through the pain. And you know what the worst part is? I still am.
