lost and found | gilinsky

8.2

Jack Johnson

    "How've you been?" I ask, placing mine and Hannah's empty plates in the dishwasher as she stands beside me.

With our faces being buried in the meatloaf that Mom made, we hadn't really had time to talk during dinner, which I was thankful for because it gave me a chance to think about what I was going to say - not that thinking about it really helped. I'm still clueless. 

Hannah shrugs, not making eye contact with me. "As good as I can be." 

"I get it," I say, although I'm sure I really don't. 

I can't even remember the last time Hannah and I hung out one and one. I really wish someone was here the break the ice before things get insanely awkward. Maybe if I wasn't such a dumbass and hadn't stopped talking to her in the first place we wouldn't be having this problem.

But then again it's not like I was the only one who wasn't reaching out, she didn't make an effort to contact me either. So technically it's on the both of us. 

"Do you wanna come up to my room?" I suggest.

"Sure," Hannah agrees, following me as I bounce up the stairs, desperate to get out of Mom's hearing range. I don't think the conversation we're about to have is Mom appropriate.

She has no idea what's going on between Hannah and me, mostly because I have no idea myself what's going on, but it'd be weird for her to find out that us ignoring each other was mostly my fault due to the stupid choices I've made. 

Pushing open the door to my room I inwardly cringe. It's a pig sty. I let myself remember how bare it looked after I left, and ashamedly compare it to how it looks now. Nadia and Mom would not be proud.

"Just, uh - take a seat," I say, instinctively tidying up as I walk further into the room. 

There's a couple pairs of boxers laying on my bed, so I quickly whack them onto the floor while attempting to keep my blush at bay. Usually I keep my room neat, but in all honesty I didn't expect to have company today, let alone that company to be a girl. Let alone that girl to be Hannah. Forgive me if I wasn't prepared as I should've been.

"You're being awkward," she observes, not moving from her spot by the door. 

I swivel around to face her, chewing on the inside of my cheek. "Awkward?" 

"We've known each other for how long? There's no need to get crazy over a messy room. It's not like you're trying to impress me." 

I'm not sure how to answer her. She's right, though. I should be comfortable with her presence considering she's best friends with my sister and I did see her as one of my friends way back when. Even as more than a friend for a period of time.

The thing is that things have changed and everything is extremely different from how they used to be. It's hard for me to account for all the lost time.

"Are you and Mallory back together?" She rushes, shifting her weight from one side to the other. 

The question surprises me but I try my best to regain composure before answering. "No." 

She nods slowly, eyes scanning around my room. What was she looking for? Did she spot the condoms on my desk hiding behind my pencil sharpener? Is that why she asked about Mallory? 

"We're never going to date again," I speak up, sounding less confident than I anticipated to. 

Was 'never' the right word to use? I mean, in the car Mal made it pretty obvious that she didn't want to get involved with me again, and I'm almost certain I don't feel that way about her anymore either. Sure I fooled around with her, but that was for a different reason than most would assume.